Frustrated with friend who is always canceling plans

[Anonymous]

I'm sort of a friend like that - I cancel maybe 25% of the time. None of my friends in this area knows that I've gone through recurrent pregnancy loss over the past year. It has happened that I've cancelled due to feeling sick with first trimester symptoms, or I'm going through a miscarriage, or I'm depressed and recovering emotionally from a miscarriage. I also have work and family commitments that come up.

Been a hell of a year. Although I'm not trying to shut my friends out by not telling them, it's easier to deal with the pain if there are fewer people who know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend like this. I eventually just stopped. Stopped planning, stopped trying, stopped doing anything. If she contacts me to get together, I'm very friendly and am open to the suggestion but am clear that she needs to take the lead. It goes nowhere and I try not to sweat it. She moved pretty far down in my "friend" list.

Me too. I had an entire group of women that I considered really good friends and really wanted their friendship but I got so sick of their drama and cancellations and the 20 - 30 emails it would take to organize one happy hour that I completely stopped calling, emailing or reaching out. It hurts that they haven't reached out to me since I stopped but I guess I learned that it was really a good dynamic/ friendship in the end. That too, hurt.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a good friend some what like this. However she can never commit to even cancel, I also know she suffers from depression and very bad anxiety. I accept this and get out of her what I can. She is a good person and I'm sad we cannot hang out more, but more than that I wish that she one day finds peace. I suspect she has social anxiety,she is great on FB and email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sort of a friend like that - I cancel maybe 25% of the time. None of my friends in this area knows that I've gone through recurrent pregnancy loss over the past year. It has happened that I've cancelled due to feeling sick with first trimester symptoms, or I'm going through a miscarriage, or I'm depressed and recovering emotionally from a miscarriage. I also have work and family commitments that come up.

Been a hell of a year. Although I'm not trying to shut my friends out by not telling them, it's easier to deal with the pain if there are fewer people who know.

I'm sorry for your loss and sending you good vibes.

[Anonymous]

I especially get "socially lazy" w/ night plans!

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have to balance the good you get from her friendship from the bad of her canceling. Once the bad outweighs the good, then the friendship is over.

I'm a frequent canceler, for reasons that are "good", serious chronic illness issues. Still, I don't assume that the so call legit reason is any less annoying to my friends than any other reason. I do my best and hope my friends can put up with it. But when they can't, I have to understand and respect that we don't have compatible friendship needs right now and sadly, maybe we can't be friends. Recently, a friend had a baby and suddenly, all her plans became subject to cancellation. Oddly, we have reconnected, I think, in part, because we both know how hard it is to keep social commitments and have been able to extend to each other a lot of patience with regards to the uncertainty of making plans. Your situation sounds different, still, I thought maybe this perspective might help.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's never good to be frustrated and disappointed by a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP...I'm probably this friend type. I'm just not that into getting together, hanging out, etc. I make plans and then as the date approaches, I'm looking towards it with dread. Not really sure why...I value my friendships...but I'm just not into hanging out.

I was this way when my depression was untreated. Something to think about.