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Is there a hierarchy in death?
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Anonymous
| I ask because my SIL (DH's older) died unexpectedly this past week; she was mid-fourties. There are (were) four children in the family and a mom plus all the in-laws... BIL lost his wife, DH lost his sister, MIL lost her daughter...the family isn't quite united to begin with but I wonder if there are others out there who have lost a sibling early on and how you handled the death, burial, service, location of grave, etc...? thanks. |
Anonymous
|
I think the spouse has priority on all decisions regarding the memorial, funeral and burial, unless determined otherwise in advance. My understanding is the spouse is the one who receives all assets in the even there is no will (correct me if I am wrong).
I think this is important especially if there are children of the deceased. The remaining parent needs to make decisions that are in the best interest of the surviving children and their newly definied family, even if this contradicts what siblings and parents want. Hopefully the results will be amicable, especially for the children and for the memory of the deceased. |
Anonymous
| 12:40 here, I am sorry for your family's loss. |
Anonymous
If there is no will, assets go according to state law. Varies from state to state. In some states, half to spouse and half equally divided among children, if there are children. Problem with this is that when kids are > 18, or if they are already at time of death, they control a portion of assets. Get a will! |
Anonymous
| Thanks, 12:44! We have one, but that is good info to know. |
Anonymous
| Are there any laws regarding funeral planning, or is that just dictated by ettiquite? |
Anonymous
| OP here -- thanks for the replies so far. I ask because this family emigrated from Asia 20 years ago but is still deeply rooted in their culture despite all the kids marrying outside their culture. I am getting texts from my DH asking how much we can afford to help with the funeral and IMO I don't think it's my responsibility to pay for BIL's spouses' burial. That's why you have savings and life insurance. Please, tell me if I'm wrong. |
Anonymous
You don't have an obligation to help. However, there's nothing that precludes your helping. If your DH wants to aid in this time of grief, and you can afford it, do you really want to be the one who says no? (Caveat - this does NOT give your DH a say in how the services are conducted. Financial support does not buy him a vote in this situaton.) |
Anonymous
If I'm reading correctly, the family is Asian and you are not from the same culture? Voice Of Experience here, so listen up: Do not, under any circumstances, try to contravene the family's tradition at a time like this. It doesn't matter if you think it's your responsibility. This is your husband's sister, and he has two surviving siblings and his mother. His family (and maybe he himself) will make your life a living hell if you can't muster a little respect right now. So think about it seriously. How much can you afford to contribute? If you're worried about setting a precedent with a monetary contribution, just remind yourself that there are only so many family members who can die, right? This is important. This may be (depending on the culture) on of the most important tests of your multi-cultural marriage. You knew that you were marrying someone with different values, and now those chickens have come home to roost. A few thousand dollars (or whatever) towards funeral expenses is a small price to pay here. Again: Trust Me On This. |
Anonymous
| 100% agree with 14:36 |
Anonymous
You're wrong. Do what you can, no more. But if you can, do it. |
Anonymous
Me too. I'm from a different culture too and I couldn't agree more. |
Anonymous
+1 The very last thing my friend's ex did was to cause a problem over his father's funeral. That was the last straw. |
Anonymous
| OP again -- thanks for the input. If it helps DH has been unemployed for 18 months and is currently home with our DD; I am also five months preggo with another child. |
Anonymous
|
14:36 - agree. Weddings and funerals, while they bring out the best in some, unfortunately bring out the *worst in others* - IL's especially! You get to see people's true colors, for better or worse, which comes in handy later!
OP, you need to ask your question straight out: are you saying you can't or don't want to help financially? Are there other family members who can? Are they looking to you because you have been "in America" the longest (after all, aren't the streets paved with gold - NOT!)? Are the IL's looking to pocket their life insurance proceeds? Maybe you have reason not to trust certain family members (as do most)? We need more details in order to help you. |