Is your second marriage better?

[Anonymous]

I've been divorced about two years. Have one child. Amicable relationship with the ex. Have been seeing someone for about a year. Also recently divorced. We obviously talked a lot about what went wrong in our first marriages and we are very much in love and have talked about getting married. But I've seen discouraging stats on the divorce rates for second marriages. And a co worker just told me her father, who is on no. 3, is about to get divorced. Again. The same day another friend who is divorced and remarried ominously said to me, "Don't get married again." I think she is having trouble in her marriage but we don't have the kind of relationship where I thought it was my place to pry. Then today, a close guy friend pointed out "you bring yourself to the next relationship." I tried to protest a little, arguing that the dynamics aren't always the same. My marriage lasted 12 years which is longer than any relationship I had had before that! So even though we didn't make it "until death do us part," it was different than previous longterm relationships I had. But after all these recent incidents, I am feeling spooked.

I'm not interested in getting divorced again. And I liked being married. Just not to my former husband. But are second marriages really so doomed? I was hoping to hear from other folks who have remarried. Be brutally honest!

[Anonymous]

Still in my first (and hopefully my last) marriage so cannot say from personal experience, but based on the lives of my friends I think that it depends on the reason the first marriage ended/went bad.

I think you are going to take a long hard look at yourself and your personality traits to see if there is anything about you that contributed to the end of the marriage and whether that is something that you have transcended. Also you need to examine your past partner and assess whether you picked correctly the first time around - my DH likes to say that the secret to a great marriage is picking the right partner.

I have two friends with multiple marriage. One left her first hubby bc he lost all their money day trading. Her second husband is great (and she now handles all the finances) and so far ther relationship seems to be going well.
ITs not completly clear why the other couple broke-up. The H claims his wife is "high-maintenance and the W claims that the H is secretive and a liar and was fooling around (never proved). Anyway, she called me last week to say that she think that marriage #2 is probably goign to end bc husbbnad has been lyinging - in her case I think she was been making bad choices.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your reply! I do have to mull that over. We would both say we chose badly, no. 1, but we also made mistakes such as not understanding how bad things were until it was too late. You know, not taking seriously total breakdowns in communication, not addressing them quickly enough. And in both cases, our partners were even less inclined to initiate important changes such as going to therapy or even having a discussion about what was going on. So we are very honest with each other about everything, which is one reason why we are together. Neither of us was even interested in dating. We started as friends and it progressed from there. It feels right, but boy, I've heard that one before! I'm glad to hear at least one of your remarried friends is doing well.

[Anonymous]

I am a second wife (but its my first marriage). Dh tells me constantly how happy he is with me, our life together, our family together. It is a very, very different relationship. BUT, he was married very young (23), and divorced for quite some time (over 8 years) when we met and he had grown and learned a lot in the interim. I think his first marriage failed because they weren't right for each other but did't now better since they were so young, and didn't have the emotional tools and self-knowledge to work through conflict and figure out why they weren't getting along.

[TheManWithAUsername]

By a long shot.

By the stats, though, I believe that 2nd marriages are less likely to last than 1st marriages, presumably because people bad at marriage are more likely to have more than one.

[Anonymous]

My second marriage was worse, but the third time's the charm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My second marriage was worse, but the third time's the charm.

Hope number 4 is even better.

[Anonymous]

Yes! So much happier. I was able to look back at my first marriage and realize all of the reasons that I shouldn't have married my ex. At first I was anti-marriage because I was afraid of divorce again. Now, 5 years later I'm so happy I took the plunge.

[Anonymous]

My second marriage is amazing. I was married for 3 years the first time (together for 5 before) and my second marriage just hit the 4 year mark and it was incredibly meaningful to me. It's his first marriage.

I sometimes miss my first husband. He was my high school sweetheart and the first real love of my life - I think there's always something so special about that. But my second husband and I, while maybe not quite so passionate, have a beautiful and harmonious life. We are truly a team. I respect him and he works just as hard for this family as I do, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for my first husband.

I actually don't regret my first marriage. I went into it with love and an open heart. But I made huge mistakes and I think my second marriage will last because I made sure that those mistakes would not be repeated. My husband is a great guy - I'm proud of him and I love him and I think we are way stronger than my first marriage.

So basically, I think 2nd marriages can be great because you learn from your mistakes. If you learn, that is.

[Anonymous]

Widow here. I will NEVER get married again.

[Anonymous]

After I divorced I swore I would not marry again but then I met someone special and it bloomed - only a 10 month courtship. I am so glad I married him and didn't let my first marriage jade me. It almost did. Needless to say my second marriage still entails work but my gosh what a difference, my second husband gave meaning and reality to the words - soul mate.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents remarried....very unhappily...my Dad passed away, my stepmom was lovely to him, but if he had lived who knows...my Mom can find Nothing to like in my stepDad....I am hoping for one msrriage only (14 years on).....

[Anonymous]

TheManWithAUsername wrote:By a long shot.

By the stats, though, I believe that 2nd marriages are less likely to last than 1st marriages, presumably because people bad at marriage are more likely to have more than one.

This is true.

There are tons of subconscious factors at play when we are attracted to and choose a mate. Often times divorced people end up in relationships with the same type of person they divorced the first time around. The details are different, but the underlying characteristics are the same. Dr. Harville Hendrix is the founder of Imago Relationship Therapy and he proposes that we each have an internal homing device that attracts us to a particular type of person based on how we developed throughout our childhood and the experiences in our family of origin. He has written a couple of books on the subject that ask the reader to take a good hard look at themselves, their relationships, etc.

Anecdotally, I have one friend who divorced and remarried and is decidedly happier in her second marriage.

[Anonymous]

I married 2 totally different men - and made the right decision the second time around. I had been divorced for many years before marriage #2, and had time evaluate why my marriage failed - for many many reasons - and knew what I didn't want in someone.

#2 marriage has been good to us. We work at the marriage but it doesn't feel like work. We're best friends, which ironically we were before we became romantically involved, and get along with no bullshit.

First time you marry for love, the second time you marry for love and money

[TheManWithAUsername]

This reminded me of the Rick Miller theory of women:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108521/quotes