Is your second marriage better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My second marriage is amazing. I was married for 3 years the first time (together for 5 before) and my second marriage just hit the 4 year mark and it was incredibly meaningful to me. It's his first marriage.

I sometimes miss my first husband. He was my high school sweetheart and the first real love of my life - I think there's always something so special about that. But my second husband and I, while maybe not quite so passionate, have a beautiful and harmonious life. We are truly a team. I respect him and he works just as hard for this family as I do, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for my first husband.

I actually don't regret my first marriage. I went into it with love and an open heart. But I made huge mistakes and I think my second marriage will last because I made sure that those mistakes would not be repeated. My husband is a great guy - I'm proud of him and I love him and I think we are way stronger than my first marriage.

So basically, I think 2nd marriages can be great because you learn from your mistakes. If you learn, that is.

This. I am older, wiser, more sure of myself and more forgiving of others. I've learned and grown a lot over the years, and still care deeply for my first husband (we are raising a lovely well-adjusted child together). I am a better partner to my second husband, who respects and loves me greatly.

[Anonymous]

For those who say that they picked better the 2nd time around - what qualities/characteristics did the 1st spouse have that made him/her a bad pick ultimately and what did the 2nd spouse have that made him/her a better, more successful pick this time?

I tend to think it's far more complex than this (it also presumes that your perspective or experience of the spouse is who that spouse is), but am wondering the responses still and what I might be able to learn from them.

[Anonymous]

From what I have seen, I wonder how many second marriages force it to try work so they will not be seen as a failure a second time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From what I have seen, I wonder how many second marriages force it to try work so they will not be seen as a failure a second time?

Well, I'm the older wiser poster above, and honestly, it was a terrible match the first time. Really terrible. I picked a bossy domineering insecure man who thought of me as damaged and fragile, and treated me as such. I chose him (in retrospect) because it felt "like home." My family growing up had issues. ANYWAY, like I said, I grew and changed and learned to be more secure in myself, and to see others with a clearer lens. I had to spend a lot of time figuring out WHY I married the way I did before I was ready to jump again. That said, I'm sure that what you suggest is a factor in some pairings.

[Anonymous]

Also want to add that this sort of work on myself has a lot to do with being able to successfully co-parent with my first husband.

[Anonymous]

Yes, because I didn't make the same mistakes twice. During and after my divorce, I got some much needed therapy and was able to identify my relationship patterns. I made the necessary changes to my behavior and didn't marry the same man all over again.

[Anonymous]

I don't have personal experience, by my father and mother were married for 18 yrs. I have never seen 2 people so poorly suited for one another. They divorced, and my dad remarried to the woman he was screwing while he was married to my mom. (who, interestingly is 18 yrs younger than my dad). They have been married for over 25 yrs now and have a really great marriage. My mom, on the other hand, got remarried and divorced again shortly thereafter.

I don't think 2d marriages are doomed, but I think some people are just better at being married than others.

[Anonymous]

I'm not married but I've seen enough friends (and my dad) getting married twice (or 3 times) to answer this. 2nd marriages don't have to be doomed IF you (a) know yourself well, (b) know your partner well - including taking more time before marriage if need be, (c) know why the first one failed so you don't inadvertently make the same mistakes again and (d) and don't go for the exact opposite of the first spouse, as an overreaction.

My father was widowed and remarried too quickly. 2nd marriage was a disaster. 3rd marriage has been wonderful. My friend C has been married and divorced twice. I pointed out that her 2nd husband was the exact opposite of everything she disliked about the 1st husband, and she agreed. She's currently with potential Husband #3 and I think he's a lot more "right" for her and have told her so. (they've also been together 4 years, which means lots of getting-to-know-you time.)

What do your friends and family think? We're grown-ups, so we need to trust our own guts, but if everyone you know thinks you're good together, then you probably are. (unless you are fabulously Stepford.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My second marriage was worse, but the third time's the charm.

Hope number 4 is even better.

You are a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My second marriage was worse, but the third time's the charm.

Hope number 4 is even better.

You are a bitch.

Now, that was not very nice. Just for that I am going to curse you. In the next two weeks #3 will get very bad, #4 will not be much better, neither will #5. You will not be able to have a happy marriage until you do a good deed for someone that you think is undeserving.

Two weeks ... starting today, mark your calendar.

[Anonymous]

"I think some people are just better at being married than others."

I think this is true. Sometimes you can know someone really well, but if a crisis hits or the unexpected happens they don't deal with things the way you'd expect. And some people don't have staying power in terms of the commitment - and I'm not talking about being monogamous, I'm talking about maintaining a commitment to keep the relationship going no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who say that they picked better the 2nd time around - what qualities/characteristics did the 1st spouse have that made him/her a bad pick ultimately and what did the 2nd spouse have that made him/her a better, more successful pick this time?

This is 10:18. The first time I fell madly in love and thought that the love could carry us through everything. My husband totally flaked on me and our marriage and we were young and didn't have the skills. I was not forgiving enough and he was not trying hard enough. We were in intensive therapy for a year (3 xs per week). Ultimately, it did not work out, but we had come to terms and made peace and are still on amiable terms. We also learned a lot about what we both wanted in our lives and it turned out to be different. There were a lot of assumptions made and not enough communication.

With my second husband, I was extremely open about what I wanted, what I expected, and what I could give and my shortcomings. We talked a LOT about expectations and where we were flexible and where we were not. I knew exactly what had gone wrong the first time and waited to see if the same mistakes would be made. After living together for 2 years, we felt that we made a really good team and could make it work. When we got married, there were no surprises. The problems that wrecked my first marriage were not issues this time. For example, I know that I can be controlling so I worked extremely hard to accept that there is more than one way to do things. Similarly, my husband kept us his side of the bargain so that I didn't have to swoop in and do things for him, thereby creating a nagging/controlling/enabling circle. We talk things out exactly like that: "hon, I feel frustrated when you didn't pick up the dog food three days in a row when you said you would, and so I had to go get it. When you do that, it makes me feel like I have to nag you or else like I can't rely on you. What can we do to make that stop happening?" and then we come up with a plan and he tries hard to live up to it. My last husband just would have lied or left the house. So it's a mix between marrying someone who is just, frankly, a better spouse. And also my growth and change of approach.

[Anonymous]

Hell yes it is. First marriage lasted 4 years, but was in the Army at the time, so we were only together probably one hellish year. I married her because I got her pregnant and then enlisted. I loved the Army far more than her. She is still a crazy woman and calls my mother to tell her how much she still loves me (it has been 17 years since divorce), she tells my wife how awesome I was in bed with her, and the best part is that all the time I was married to her, we had sex four times. The rest of the time she denied me that. Then she cheated on me with a guy in another unit.

I met my present wife as a "rebound" while we both were in the Army. I only wanted some easy access to a special part of her, but we ended up clicking. She said I was her first big O she had ever had with a guy, and she probably has a 90% success rate to this day. The sex kept us together when everything else sucked. There have been a lot of sucky things in our marriage too. I think all marriages have their sucky parts. Still, I trust her completely and explicitly and hopefully she trusts me as well. I still find her naked body incredibly hot even after two kids. Other than that, we have little in common. No common hobbies, interests or friends, and we don't much like the same kinds of food. It is the damndest thing that we still are married, but it keeps getting better. If I could only spend the rest of my life with one human being and I had to pick right now, it would be her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell yes it is. First marriage lasted 4 years, but was in the Army at the time, so we were only together probably one hellish year. I married her because I got her pregnant and then enlisted. I loved the Army far more than her. She is still a crazy woman and calls my mother to tell her how much she still loves me (it has been 17 years since divorce), she tells my wife how awesome I was in bed with her, and the best part is that all the time I was married to her, we had sex four times. The rest of the time she denied me that. Then she cheated on me with a guy in another unit.

I met my present wife as a "rebound" while we both were in the Army. I only wanted some easy access to a special part of her, but we ended up clicking. She said I was her first big O she had ever had with a guy, and she probably has a 90% success rate to this day. The sex kept us together when everything else sucked. There have been a lot of sucky things in our marriage too. I think all marriages have their sucky parts. Still, I trust her completely and explicitly and hopefully she trusts me as well. I still find her naked body incredibly hot even after two kids. Other than that, we have little in common. No common hobbies, interests or friends, and we don't much like the same kinds of food. It is the damndest thing that we still are married, but it keeps getting better. If I could only spend the rest of my life with one human being and I had to pick right now, it would be her.

Are you 19?

[Anonymous]

No. I am 41.