Visiting family and surprise - their child has a cold

[Anonymous]

This is a bit of a vent!

My DD is not quite 3 months. This weekend I went to my brothers for a BBQ only to find out after the visit that his DD (15 months) has a rash all over her torso (they did not mention it to me, I found out from another sibling). The 1st time I took my newborn to his house my DD was not 3 weeks old and his daughter had a cold that did not suddently appear that day.


Am I expecting too much to be notified before visiting (they live an hour away) that their child has a cold so that I can make a decision to go or not......

...and if I am expecting too much - and recommendations on how to phrase the questions without coming off like a total b*tch for the next time we visit?


Thanks for letting me vent - and any tips would be appreciated!

[Anonymous]

It isn't expecting too much, but that being said, there is nothing wrong with asking. Why not call the morning before to confirm details and say, "We are trying to avoid bugs and viruses... I just wanted to make sure that nothing is making is rounds through your house and family right now."

To commiserate, I brought my daughter to a b-day party yesterday, and one parent bought both her daughters, one who had been battling a stomach bug for the previous week. The sick daughter spent the party either playing with the other kids in the pool or around the house, or lying on a couch whimpering in pain. And then the mother had the audacity to tell me that she was pleased that school was out for the summer, so she could better control her daughter's exposure to illnesses and hopefully they wouldn't be under the weather quite as much. I found it a bit hypocritical and am hoping that my daughter doesn't come down with this stomach bug!

[Anonymous]

Hello New Mom!! Not to be flip about it, but when your DD is a little older you'll realize that if you quarantined her for every runny nose you would never see another human being again! Of course you do what you can to limit exposure, but she's also of an age where it's not like she's running around playing with/touching other kids or that they are probably even very close to her. And a rash may or may not be something that's contagious anyway - could be an allergic reaction to something. But in any case, like PP said I think it's fine to ask the day of or before.

[Anonymous]

Hi new mom-

I was the same way when DS was born. We had a cousin show up to meet the week old baby with a cold! We basically isolated the baby but were really upset with ourselves for not asking the cousin to leave. Our baby, born in December, ended up with VIRAL meningitis at 7 weeks--we suspect he caught it after hour wait in a packed room at Children's Hospital for a 2 minute checkup on his circumcision. That resulted in a spinal tap and a 4 night stay at Georgetown Hospital. As such, I have NO problem asking ahead of time if everyone is healthy or forcing purelle on people who come close. It's gotten a bit better now that he's almost 7 months but I've learned to trade being perceived as slightly rude/overprotective for my child's health.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My older SIL is homeschooling and we suspect that she did not vaccinate - many of her comments reflect that mentality.

My younger SIL just delivered 4 weeks ago. She is really anguishing over the impending visit of older SIL and kids because of the vaccination thing. I don't know what to think - my kids are older, vaccinated and so I have no dog in the fight.

She doesn't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

First, I definitely don't think it's unreasonable to ask if everyone is healthy before you visit. I would certainly not be offended if someone asked ME that (and with two kids in day care, the answer will quite often be "NO!").

However, as far as expectations when you don't ask in advance... I think there are lines to be drawn. I don't keep my kids home when they have your basic run of the mill cold--though I wouldn't bring them to see a young infant even with a cold, unless I warned/asked the parents. But rashes (unless confirmed with a doctor not to be contagious) and any kind of fever or stomach bug are a totally different story. Even though my kids are in day care and exposed to anything under the sun, I still don't want to expose them to that (or, if my kids have it would NEVER bring them anywhere other than the doctor's office until they were feeling better/not contagious).

[Anonymous]

For friends with babies under the age of 6 months (or older for those with compromised immune systems, like preemies), I always give a heads up about anything ranging from "my kid sneezed last night" to "he has viral meningitis."

I figure that these parents are already extremely sleep deprived and don't need the hassle of waking up to soothe a sick kid. Your 3 month old would survive a cold, but no one gets to deprive you of your much needed rest at this point.

For friends with kids over the age of 6 months, I'm not nearly so vigilant. As the other poster said, you'd have to quaratine yourself to avoid all germs.

That's for playdates and parties at my house. I believe strongly in not letting kids go to preschool or daycare when sick -- to avoid contaminating the whole city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello New Mom!! Not to be flip about it, but when your DD is a little older you'll realize that if you quarantined her for every runny nose you would never see another human being again!

I think that's the point. Her baby is only 3 months old! I'm sure she'll feel differently when she's older, I think most of us realize the difference between subjecting a three month old to illnesses and subjecting a 2 year old. I don't think you're overreacting, OP. I would have been annoyed. I liked the suggesting of calling the morning of and doing a "virus" check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a bit of a vent!

My DD is not quite 3 months. This weekend I went to my brothers for a BBQ only to find out after the visit that his DD (15 months) has a rash all over her torso (they did not mention it to me, I found out from another sibling). The 1st time I took my newborn to his house my DD was not 3 weeks old and his daughter had a cold that did not suddently appear that day.


Am I expecting too much to be notified before visiting (they live an hour away) that their child has a cold so that I can make a decision to go or not......

...and if I am expecting too much - and recommendations on how to phrase the questions without coming off like a total b*tch for the next time we visit?


Thanks for letting me vent - and any tips would be appreciated!

I'm right there with you. I feel strongly that babies under six months should be extra-protected from illness wherever possible. We had a "no touching" rule for older children until our baby was about 4 months old. I'm sure many people thought I was nuts, but I was not shy about sharing that information with family and friends so they could keep an eye on their kids during visits. I used a bit of self-mocking to ease the social awkwardness ("Yeah, we're the typical over-protective parents who are phobic of germs, so we have a "no touching" policy for when other children visit.") But in the end, I wouldn't have cared if people thought we were nuts. Babies are very vulnerable in the early months -- see the PP re meningitis. (Yikes!)

[Anonymous]

I just have to add some perspective here.

I am a mom of 3 children. One an infant, one in pre-school, and one just finished kindergarden. Runny noses, colds, and rashes are impossible to avoid. My oldest brings everything under the sun home. With my first, I was paranoid just like many new moms, I now realize that there is not much that can be done to avoid germs. My only solution would be to quarantine my 2 oldest children until the baby turns 6months old.

[Anonymous]

Nothing wrong with you calling to check and ask if any bugs are going around before making the drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just have to add some perspective here.

I am a mom of 3 children. One an infant, one in pre-school, and one just finished kindergarden. Runny noses, colds, and rashes are impossible to avoid. My oldest brings everything under the sun home. With my first, I was paranoid just like many new moms, I now realize that there is not much that can be done to avoid germs. My only solution would be to quarantine my 2 oldest children until the baby turns 6months old.

Yeah, but when you have one small infant, you do have the option to not expose them to sick kids until they're older. I would think that OP's brother and his wife would be more considerate about this, but some people just don't care. My cousin and his wife always brought sick kids to my grandparents' house at Christmas Eve. Every year. My son had his first illness at 6 months and that was hard enough--ended up needing breathing treatments, etc.
OP, I would just ask if everyone is healthy before going over there. Don't bring up the past visits, but just say you wanted to be sure before bringing the baby over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just have to add some perspective here.

I am a mom of 3 children. One an infant, one in pre-school, and one just finished kindergarden. Runny noses, colds, and rashes are impossible to avoid. My oldest brings everything under the sun home. With my first, I was paranoid just like many new moms, I now realize that there is not much that can be done to avoid germs. My only solution would be to quarantine my 2 oldest children until the baby turns 6months old.

I'm willing to accept that risk so that we can be a "family." I'm not willing to accept that risk for a playdate or other visitor. We're comparing apples and oranges here, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I agree -- because the OP doesn't have other kids yet, she has the option here to keep her baby healthy and herself slightly less exhausted. People with sick kids should do what they can to keep them away from others' babies.

[Anonymous]

i just arrived at my mothers house with my 4mo old DS only to find the same situation with my visiting niece. IT DRIVES ME NUTS!