Visiting family and surprise - their child has a cold

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older SIL is homeschooling and we suspect that she did not vaccinate - many of her comments reflect that mentality.

My younger SIL just delivered 4 weeks ago. She is really anguishing over the impending visit of older SIL and kids because of the vaccination thing. I don't know what to think - my kids are older, vaccinated and so I have no dog in the fight.

She doesn't know what to do.

Why doesn't your younger SIL just ask whether older SIL vaxed or not? Is it a secret? If the answer is no then she should tell older SIL the truth, that she's a bit uncomfortable with the children visiting her newborn. She should put the health of her baby ahead of her possible fear of coming across as rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just have to add some perspective here.

I am a mom of 3 children. One an infant, one in pre-school, and one just finished kindergarden. Runny noses, colds, and rashes are impossible to avoid. My oldest brings everything under the sun home. With my first, I was paranoid just like many new moms, I now realize that there is not much that can be done to avoid germs. My only solution would be to quarantine my 2 oldest children until the baby turns 6months old.

Yeah, but when you have one small infant, you do have the option to not expose them to sick kids until they're older. I would think that OP's brother and his wife would be more considerate about this, but some people just don't care. My cousin and his wife always brought sick kids to my grandparents' house at Christmas Eve. Every year. My son had his first illness at 6 months and that was hard enough--ended up needing breathing treatments, etc.
OP, I would just ask if everyone is healthy before going over there. Don't bring up the past visits, but just say you wanted to be sure before bringing the baby over.

Yikes. I wouldn't say people just don't care, especially family! I think though that folks with older kids sometimes have forgotten how vigilant new Moms with one infant want to and need to be. But really even if you are a SAHM and don't leave the house for 6 months or allow any visitors at all (and obviously this isn't the case with OP as she took her 3 week old infant to a family gathering an hour away), your husband can bring bugs home, etc. So you can't make yourself crazy trying to avoid germs - it's impossible. But I think it's very reasonable asking if everyone is well before you go. It's on you - not them - to look out for the health of your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree -- because the OP doesn't have other kids yet, she has the option here to keep her baby healthy and herself slightly less exhausted. People with sick kids should do what they can to keep them away from others' babies.

The only way to do this is to stay home. I think it's reasonable to expect people to not visit your house if they are sick. I don't think you should expect them to tell you they have a cold if you are meeting on neutral territory. As other's have mentioned, you will need to take the initiative if you aren't comfortable exposing your infant to minor illness.

[Anonymous]

OP here -thanks for the comments.

I will step up being responsible for my DD by calling before I leave for visits as well as bringing along the purell.

[Anonymous]

I always tell people with young babies if I or my child have a cold before we visit.

Some ask me to reschedule; some don't.

Seems only fair.

I would not take a young baby to a house with unvaccinated children. No way.

[Anonymous]

Just to chime in, OP I think you're not unreasonable to want to know and to ask in advance. I don't think that will make you sound bitchy at all, and I would definitely not mind being asked. But I would not expect other people to think of it and volunteer the information. Although many of the posters have said they would (and I think that's great) I just don't think it's reasonable to expect people to be as aware/vigilant as you are. That's why you're the mom!

[Anonymous]

I just had my second child this spring, and I'm nearly as vigilant about avoiding sick kids with him as I was with his older brother, so I don't think this is simply an issue of "new mom"-dom. Yes, my older child brings home bugs, but to me that's all the more reason to avoid exposing the baby to other sick kids when possible -- the fewer illnesses, the better. Like a number of other posters, I always tell parents of babies (of toddlers, too, actually) when my kids have a cold in case they want to avoid us. I think this is common courtesy. My BIL and SIL, however, don't think this way, so I usually have my husband ask whether their kids are sick before we go to family functions. The one time I didn't ask, when my younger child was 3 mos, both of their kids had colds, which both of my kids then caught, with the baby getting an ear infection, to boot. And the cold turned out to be particularly long and nasty for my older son, so it was a double-whammy of sleeplessness and misery.

So all of this is to say, OP, that I don't think you're wrong to be annoyed, but I also agree with others who say that you need to be vigilant.

[Anonymous]

I hear ya loud and clear OP. I always felt vulnerable on behalf of my DD when exposed to other sickly kids. I won't repeat what the other PPs already said, but I do agree it is frustrating. True, you can't stay confined all the time, but at least you want others to have the decency to cover their mouth when coughing/sneezing, wash their hands, and -as you experienced- give you a heads up if others are recovering from a cold.

Take heart though, the rash could be the final phase to a viral infection especially since you mentioned it was on the torso of your niece (?) - common and not contagious.

It could be that your brother wasn't really thinking "outside the box" and how his DD could be a vector to your newborn. Or it could just be plain old inconsideration. Something like - how is everyone feeling today? It seems like everytime we see Jane Doe (your niece) she is coming down with something...poor thing - and see if you get a response.

[Anonymous]

Family togetherness...isn't it wonderful!! OP, absolutely ask or simply don't attend gatherings of family that are not sympathetic or respectful of your inborn protectiveness. And don't apologize for it there is a reason that the maternal instinct appears in nature, to keep offspring ALIVE. You are the mommy. You are in charge. Feel your power. Think of yourself like Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers movies

We did not go to MIL's for several family gatherings b/c she always had a pack of sneezing, coughing old people who insisted on practically licking my child and laughing at me when I asked them to wash hands before holding. I was totally poo-pooed and told essentially that they had made it through the Great Depression, WWII, blah-blah without washing their hands. No one appreciated it when I pointed out that many complicated and simple advancements have been made in the last 80 YEARS to make child rearing safer and healthier -- umm like the vaccine for POLIO. So, after 2 of those, MIL would call and ask us to come over and I would say sorry we can't make it. If she asked why, I told her flat out why. I made it crystal clear that if she wanted to see her grandchild it would be on my terms, not hers. I told my husband that if he ever wanted to have sex again, he could move to Nevada or back me up, and back me up he did. Amazingly, any sneezing coughing geezerly family members were banished before our daughter went over there as an infant after mommy putting her foot down.

We practice what we preach as well for young and old. We bagged out on a pre-surgery visit to my gfather because our daughter had a sniffly, runny nose. I called my dad and told him her symptoms and said, "better safe than sorry, we are staying home, please tell gpa." My dad appreciated our concern. And frankly we did not allow our daughter to visit my gfather while he was in the early stages of recovery b/c she was 2 and in preschool and bringing home every germ under the sun.

We were invited to celebrate the 1st bday of our friends' son at their place in the mountains. I called and cancelled b/c I was getting over some cold sore throat bug. They were really appreciative. It sucked missing the party, but I also did not want to ruin it by getting their kid sick.

Common courtesy in my view and if in your view your relatives or friends are not extending it, follow your maternal instinct and protect your young