How do you handle totally wack-o relatives?

[Anonymous]

I can't be the only one with this problem, so I seek help here... We don't live nearby NOW (but could in the future) So we're talking about holiday visits only - my eldest sister married an ethnic political extremist. He's lived in this country for 40 years, but you'd think he was still fighting in their army. Sis has fully taken on the battle as well. I am quite liberal minded, but in family, i keep it to myself and talk about the kids, the weather, home repair issues, the dog, NICE FAMILY STUFF, right? But my dear sis and bro-in-law will play nice for about 10 minutes and then at 11:00 pm SHARP on goes Glen Beck and up go the emotions! They turn it on full blast loud (he has a hearing problem from the 1973 war) and start yelling at me, a KNOWN liberal, about how Obama is muslim and has screwed up the country and how, because I have only one child, I am not doing my part to populate the world with, uh, good guys (i guess).

I am not trying to start a political discussion, I am trying to figure out how to handle this situation. I am not willing to argue back at them. I don't know if they treat everyone this way, or just family. The only emails she sends me are those political mass-mailings - never a friendly hello how are you. Should I just eschew the visit? I'm in the area to visit our mum, and to be polite, i visit sis, as well. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH WACK-O FAMILY during obligatory visits? Holidays are approaching and I am getting nervous. Thank you - signed, the youngest. PS i've tried to avoid the 11 o'clock hour but alas, TIVO (i am not kidding)

[TheManWithAUsername]

Life's too short to spend time with assholes, whatever their relationship to you.

If you value the relationship w/o the political stuff, then tell her that you can only see her if there's a moratorium on it, and be prepared to leave if they violate it. Frankly, though, it doesn't sound like there's much to the relationship period.

I don't think there's such a thing as an obligatory visit. If there's a question about your mother on a holiday, explain the problem to her and make alternative arrangements.

Think of the pleasant and/or productive things you could be doing instead of that.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried saying things like:
"we don't agree on politics, you know that, so lets enjoy our visit and not discuss it. We are not going to change each other's mind."

I have said this on nearly every visit with my in-laws and they respect it. Now, they might not officially qualify as wack-os b/c they respect the wish.

But I do have some wacky ones so I will share:
I have this one in-law who writes crazy letters in crayon, different color and sized pens, and the notes don't even really make a coherent whole. Add to that the fact that she doesn't eat and says things like "we" did x, y, and z when it is her child and child's wife who did those things...

there's this other one who has some no-named mysterious disease that makes her take a fentnyl pop at family gatherings but not at other times and she cleans the bathroom 5 times during one thanksgiving...those two are sisters.

and then there is my MIL who says she's going to come and then doesn't show.

this is why we have friends.

[Anonymous]

"WHAT DO YOU DO WITH WACK-O FAMILY during obligatory visits?"

There's no such thing as an obligatory visit. Unless you've been served a warrant of some sort.

Is this the case?

[Anonymous]

TheManWithAUsername wrote:Life's too short to spend time with assholes, whatever their relationship to you.

If you value the relationship w/o the political stuff, then tell her that you can only see her if there's a moratorium on it, and be prepared to leave if they violate it. Frankly, though, it doesn't sound like there's much to the relationship period.

I don't think there's such a thing as an obligatory visit. If there's a question about your mother on a holiday, explain the problem to her and make alternative arrangements.

Think of the pleasant and/or productive things you could be doing instead of that.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

I've got an Arab Muslim husband and a Fox News worshipping family. Actually, Fox is probably too liberal for them.

All I can say is PUT UP BOUNDARIES.

I have left their houses several times after they have (intentionally or not) insulted my husband and/or my children. And they are no longer welcome in mine. I am polite about it. I don't stoop to their level. But I stay firm. They keep it in check pretty well these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But my dear sis and bro-in-law will play nice for about 10 minutes and then at 11:00 pm SHARP on goes Glen Beck and up go the emotions! They turn it on full blast loud (he has a hearing problem from the 1973 war) and start yelling at me, a KNOWN liberal, about how Obama is muslim and has screwed up the country and how, because I have only one child, I am not doing my part to populate the world with, uh, good guys (i guess).

Simple. Go to bed at 10:55 p.m. And if they start up the politics talk other times, say, "we're going to have to agree to disagree on this." If they continue, leave the room or the leave the house. Don't engage.

[Anonymous]

I'm on vacation with my wacky ILs right now. We could not possibly be more different. Differen religion, different politics, different socioeconomics, different family sizes, different goals in life, different ethnic backgrounds. It is a certain form of torture. My anxiety leading up to this week was considerable.

Family gatherings ARE obligatory. I understand that, OP. What you do have a choice over is love. You can choose to love your family unconditionally. See them as unique human beings who helped give you your husband and your kids. I try repeating that to myself over and over while reducing my ILs racism, classism, elitism, sexism, arrogance, and rudeness to a background hum.

All that being said, I have to go on long walks and laugh a lot with my husband after the kids are in bed. Irony runs thick here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on vacation with my wacky ILs right now. We could not possibly be more different. Differen religion, different politics, different socioeconomics, different family sizes, different goals in life, different ethnic backgrounds. It is a certain form of torture. My anxiety leading up to this week was considerable.

Family gatherings ARE obligatory. I understand that, OP. What you do have a choice over is love. You can choose to love your family unconditionally. See them as unique human beings who helped give you your husband and your kids. I try repeating that to myself over and over while reducing my ILs racism, classism, elitism, sexism, arrogance, and rudeness to a background hum.

All that being said, I have to go on long walks and laugh a lot with my husband after the kids are in bed. Irony runs thick here.

Um she didn't say her sister was a surogate or worse that she had sex with the BIL to conceive. This is nonsense. Another limit contact with assholes is in order here.

[Anonymous]

I have just the other situation-I have wacko liberals in the family who are constantly praising a president that I believe is just awful. So you see everyone has a varying opinion on what is is "wacko"--thought it was interesting that a pp used the term "asshole" I am assuming to refer to a conservative. The bottom line is that I sort of suck it up because it's important to me to have a relationship even when I am listening to someone go on and on that I should pay more taxes when said person barely pays any because they choose to go into a career that doesn't make a lot and is now mad about it. Whatever.. but I do think having family is important and sometimes I just smile and say okay.we have covered poitics today..let's go on to something else. As for the person who lost their hearing in the 1973 war..if that is true and I read it correct--I don't think I would ever let my guard down..be grateful you have hearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on vacation with my wacky ILs right now. We could not possibly be more different. Differen religion, different politics, different socioeconomics, different family sizes, different goals in life, different ethnic backgrounds. It is a certain form of torture. My anxiety leading up to this week was considerable.

Family gatherings ARE obligatory. I understand that, OP. What you do have a choice over is love. You can choose to love your family unconditionally. See them as unique human beings who helped give you your husband and your kids. I try repeating that to myself over and over while reducing my ILs racism, classism, elitism, sexism, arrogance, and rudeness to a background hum.

All that being said, I have to go on long walks and laugh a lot with my husband after the kids are in bed. Irony runs thick here.

Um she didn't say her sister was a surogate or worse that she had sex with the BIL to conceive. This is nonsense. Another limit contact with assholes is in order here.

.


Now, now, you know I did not mean that literally. Your husband's family formed who he is, and you love him. It may have been negative formation, but it still brought your husband to you. Trying to be positive!

[Anonymous]

"As for the person who lost their hearing in the 1973 war..if that is true and I read it correct--I don't think I would ever let my guard down..be grateful you have hearing. "

Why do you say this? I don't understand. I just wikied the 1973 war (b/c I didn't know anything about it..) and so learned about it but still don't understand that statement.

[Anonymous]

Based on OP's post, I'm guessing the ethnic wacko is an American Republican who fought in Vietnam (probably not by choice) and OP is an English Socialist?

I agree with the PP who said the definition of wacko can drastically change depending on your views. I think anyone who supports Obama is pretty wacko. I don't think watching Glenn Beck is particularly wacky though I don't choose to watch that show (or any TV) myself.

Yelling at people at 11pm is wacko though.

[Anonymous]

OP here -

1973 war = Yom kippur war

I also have extremely liberal political activist friends who can go too far in the "if only I can convince YOU of my opinions, my life will be complete" category. Either way is boorish.

I like the advice about stating boundaries, putting limits on political discourse, like "o.k., we talked about politics for 10 minutes, now we'll agree to disagree and move on" (although the "we" is a stretch). Perhaps I will just tell them that I love them b/c they are FAMILY and if they can't get beyond the inflammatory political goading, then I'll just excuse myself from the relationship. I'm nearly 47 and it's time to set some limits for myself. Thanks for all the support- i knew I wasn't the only one.

[TheManWithAUsername]

Anonymous wrote:thought it was interesting that a pp used the term "asshole" I am assuming to refer to a conservative.

No. I use equally pejorative but more precise terms for Glenn Beck watchers in general, but that wasn't the topic. They're assholes b/c they can't discuss things civilly, and blame her personally for very large social and political issues, which is just impolite.

Anonymous wrote:I have just the other situation-I have wacko liberals in the family who are constantly praising a president that I believe is just awful. So you see everyone has a varying opinion on what is is "wacko"

Nope - different. If they were praising Beck or Bachman or something, there's nothing very rude about that, though it might be boorish. (I would find constant praise for just about anyone pretty tedious, and especially so for Bachman or Obama.) It sounds like they're well beyond that.

Anonymous wrote:someone go on and on that I should pay more taxes when said person barely pays any because they choose to go into a career that doesn't make a lot and is now mad about it.

I suspect that they're not actually getting personal with you as you suggest, but if so, I'd give you the same advice.