Am I a stark raving #itch or is my husband insane?

[Anonymous]

Need a reality check here. My husband and I have been TTC for two years (failed adoption attempt to start, a year+ of timed intercourse and acupuncture, two IUIs so far). I am waiting on my period to start our first IVF. I've been thrilled about the IVF - sounds weird but the success rates are so much better than our other attempts and I know a lot of people who have gotten pregnant on their first IVF try, so I'm more hopeful about this than I have been in a very long time. My husband has also been really excited and looking forward to this next step (or so I thought).

My period is literally a day or two away, and last night DH tells me that he has a big work conference in late May and so he wants me to postpone the IVF for another month because it may conflict with the due date for this IVF. I am FURIOUS. I really can't believe he would even ask - it just seems crazy to me to wait a month when (despite my optimism) there's still only a 50% chance it will work and it will even be an issue. It feels like he's putting work ahead of our family. It doesn't even make all that much sense because - what if I'm on bedrest, what if I get pregnant with twins, what if the baby is premature?? Then he still wouldn't be able to go on the trip. There are so many questions - who knows if the month would make any difference at ALL - even IF I do manage to get knocked up!

But, maybe I'm being overly sensitive? Maybe this is a benefit of ART - you can time it around other events of importance? The work conflict is legitimately a big deal - if his boss knows we are going to have a baby, it could mean that she would limit his participation in the planning of this event. Maybe I'm being overly emotional - PMS has definitely been doing its deed and my 35th birthday is days away so I'm pretty emotional about hitting that dreaded AMA deadline.

That being said, doesn't that mean even more that every month counts???

Need the benefit of some rational thinking since clearly I'm not capable of sorting this through based only on the facts - I think it's just too emotional for me. My response so far has been to yell and cry and tell him no f'ing way. But maybe I should reconsider?

What do you all think?

[Anonymous]

I don't think a month matters at age 35. However, it may matter to you emotionally. With ART and also pregnancy, it is so unpredictable that it is virtually impossible to plan around it. If the work trip is just a week's time, I'd go ahead as scheduled with the IVF and see what happens and deal with it then. Take a deep breath and acknowledge you have no idea of the timing of things and what hiccups (delays) will happen along the way and, if things do go where May is critical, you and your husband can revisit this closer to that time.

[Anonymous]

Man...it's hard for me to offer any clarity because I would be feeling just the same as you are. I mean, I have a friend whose husband was just deployed overseas until next year sometime, and she has a toddler and a bun in the oven. I'm not even sure he'll be here for the birth. Sometimes you just have to deal with the variables that life sends you.

Get your husband on here and let us talk to him! No, seriously: I'm on your side on this, BUT, marriage is a partnership blah blah, and you have to be a team as you enter into this process. A month doesn't really matter too much.

(But I do think this is a dumb reason to postpone.)

[Anonymous]

I am 100% in agreement with you. I don't mean to be a downer but the odds of you delivering a child/children in late May 2012 are way lower than the odds of you not doing so. That is just fact. And to put off a cycle for the reason that your husband has stated is lunacy. It is not about your age (at this point) or another month but plain old emotional investment. I would have smacked my husband around had he suggested this, plus I hope he would have been a lot more educated on statistics that he would not even have considered this. If only the odds of success were 50%. I would lower his expectations NOW.

Sorry if this seems pesimistic and harsh before you begin a cycle but it is really for your dh.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're a bitch and I don't think he's insane.

Both of you have reasonable opinions.

[Anonymous]

Being single, ttc for2+ years myself, I cannot relate to the husband aspect, but, I do think 1 month delay is not a big deal in the scheme of things. You may also soon realize that it may take several ivf's (and your husband's job/$$$, are an integral part of the process.) That said, I hope this is not the case, and wish you the best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Sigh - life isn't convenient and there is ALWAYS something that would make IVF more convenient - I mean you could postpone, but next month there could be some BIG meeting he needs to attend the morning of your retrieval etc etc etc - I think this would have to be the most important conference of his career with a major chance of him being fired for missing before I'd postpone . . .

[Anonymous]

If he has a "big work conference" maybe he has a big work conference to attend that may be necessary to further his career that certainly will be necessary to pay your bills. Could a compromise be possible? You stay at the hotel with him? He sees if he really needs to go to this conference or if he "thinks" he needs to. At the very least, cut him some slack and talk using your inside voices.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure offering to stay at the hotel will address the issue. He's saying that he doesn't want to try and conceive now because he's afraid his wife will give birth around the time of the conference in 2012. That just seems awfully optimistic. It's a big work conference, yes, but it's nine months from now. There will be many times in their lives, God willing, where they'll have to adjust their plans because of their children. Time to learn now.

[Anonymous]

Single poster here again. I totally misread your post, op. I thought conference would have interfered wthe the procedure itself, not the baby's due date.first, "life" will always get in the way, and you have VERY little control of "things" that may potentially interfere. This is unfortunate, but true. Also, you have to face the very real possibility that IVF may not work this time around. Yes, the odds are better than iui, however, there are NO guarantees, and it takes many people multiple tries before success, if ever.I feel you are being overly confident and naive about "everthing going exactly as planned." Trust me, I feel your pain, I really do. And I wish you the very best.of luck that you are one of the blessed ones that get a BFP and hh9m the first ivf try. But I just caution you to be realistic.

[Anonymous]

Pp here again. I meant I caution your husband to be more realistic.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I also misread OP. You couldn't plan to deliver during his conference if you tried. You could conceive next month and deliver a few weeks early and he'd have to miss the conference. There are too many variable involved. I say go ahead with the procedure. But give DH a break -- he seems to be taking an analytical more often male-type approach. It's not his fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I also misread OP. You couldn't plan to deliver during his conference if you tried. You could conceive next month and deliver a few weeks early and he'd have to miss the conference. There are too many variable involved. I say go ahead with the procedure. But give DH a break -- he seems to be taking an analytical more often male-type approach. It's not his fault.

I was just going to say this - what if he doesn't even have this job in May, what if you don't get pregnant with a fresh IVF but you have frozen that you use in a month or two and that works, what if this is the last month for several that you get good quality eggs? Shoot, I'm racing the clock and I just had the conversation with my husband about all the freaking time we wasted. I personally wouldn't let one more month be robbed from me, but that's because I just watched the last 30 months fly by "waiting." Waiting for doctors, waiting for money to come in, waiting to be ready, waiting to get trips out of the way. I'm really mad at myself. Dont' be me. Please.

[Anonymous]

Pp, do not 2nd guess yourself, although I know it is human nature to do that. Agreed with your advice. Pretty much said same thing earlier on this thread.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the feedback - in the end, as one poster said, I think we both have reasonable opinions. I guess this is why marriage and having children is so difficult, right?

I told him yesterday that I would work with our doctors to prolong the beginning of the cycle as long as possible to give him a bit more time, but that I wasn't willing to put it off for another entire cycle. With the way my periods come and go, that could be another 5-6 weeks. I'm just not willing to wait that long. So, we'll see what happens and make it work. We always have done pretty well with that, and I think we'll have to continue to compromise on scheduling when we have kids - so why should this be different?

To the PP who regrets letting all the time go by, I totally empathize. I think we all have that anger. I waited for almost a year before I went to the doctor, because surely I "just need to let my body readjust to being off the BCPs." That's probably one reason why I am so ready to just get on with it!

Thanks again. GL to all.