If your spouse's job requires 50% or more of travel--what is it like?

[Anonymous]

My DH is considering accepting a job that requires 50% travel. I am wondering how hard will it be for me and the kids to manage? I work part time a very flexible job and we have small kids. Looking for views if you are in this same situation.

[Anonymous]

This was our life for about 4 years. My husband was on the road for 2-3 days a week, almost every week. It takes some adjusting but we learned how to make it work. My best advice is to resist the urge to hand over the kids and check out when your husband comes home. We fell into this habit, mostly because I was so burned out, but it created a weird dynamic where the kids hardly ever spent time with both of their parents at the same time. Instead we sat down and came up with a few specific activities that would be just Daddy/kids things. That way I got some much-needed alone time but the kids interpreted it as having some special stuff just for the three of them rather than a more general hand-off between parents.

The other important thing you can do is to help your husband stay present in the kids' lives when he's on the road. It's easy to let bedtime phone calls slip by you when you are busy and traveling, but it's really hard on the kids. I used to send my husband a text message about 10 minutes before bed, just to stack the deck in his favor. That way he had time to excuse himself from wherever he was and make the call on time. I'd also send him any special information about the day, like if one of the kids had a hard time at school or a big victory, so that he could be sure to ask about it.

[Anonymous]

PP gave great advice. This has been my life for the last 4+ years as well. He's only home on weekends now, and not every weekend.

Believe me, by Friday night I *want* to hand him the kids and go lock myself in our bedroom so I can be alone for a little while. But I don't. We make it a fun night, and the next day he takes on of the kids out for a special dada day while the other gets special mama time. We try to find time for me to go out for a few hours so I can relax.

Friends "help" a lot too. We'll meet up mid-week so I can have some adult conversations and let our kids play together.

[Anonymous]

It sucks. I just went on zoloft to manage the depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sucks. I just went on zoloft to manage the depression.

lol I'm the 14:27 poster. I'm on prozac to deal with it... and it does suck. But for her sake, please be a little more constructive on how you deal with it besides better living through chemistry.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can cope. Question is do you want to? You won't see your husband and he won't see the kids. You will be functioning like a single parent without getting to hand the kids to dad while you go have a hot date. You will miss sharing the things your kids do. Yes, you can tell him and they can tell him, but it's not the same as all of you being together, especially when spontanious stuff happens What will your husband bennifit from this job? Why does he want to do it? Me, I'd say no unless we were in dire finantial problems or unless he was totally amazing when he came home, i.e. ina good mood, fun a great dad, great in bed, you name it. I'd also look at getting an adult to live with you so you have another adult sentient life form around.

[Anonymous]

This isn't my life now, but I spent several years of my childhood like this! It probably went from when I was 5-6 to 11-12, and I'm the youngest of three. My dad's trips weren't 2-3 days out of every week, but rather 2-3 of weeks of international travel at a time every couple months. I know it was hard on my mom. We laugh about it now, how things would start off hunky dory with routine and structure, but by the end of the third week, she'd be letting us eat Cap'n Crunch for dinner in front of the TV.

This may not work for your kids now, but I remember my mom being pretty clear about needing time to herself. She's a big reader, so in the summer, for an hour or so in the afternoon, she would read and we would have to entertain ourselves. I know that helped her recharge. She went back to work when I was 8, so I think that while that made things logistically harder, she really needed the stimulation and adult interaction.

It's funny, when I think about those times, I remember missing my dad, but not in a traumatic stressful way. International communication was harder back in the stones ages of the late 70s/early 80s, so we didn't talk to him all that often when he was in places like India or Mexico. But, he was (and still is) a GREAT dad, and would jump back in 100% as soon as he got home.

[Anonymous]

My dh was just laid off, and many of the positions he has been looking at do require 50% travel. His last job required travel maybe once a month, before they cut travel expenses a few years back. Anyway, he grew up with a dad who traveled all the time (I do not know the %). From day 1, he has said that he will not accept a job that requires that much travel (50%). He says he remembers it being really hard on his mom, he resented his dad for never being around quite a bit. The other issue for my dh is that he is really involved in Little League/coaching, so travel would make this really hard, and he really loves this. So, for us, for now, we are trying to avoid a job with 50% or more travel. We may have to rethink this a few months down the road if he is still searching, and the severance time is running out.

[Anonymous]

DH is gone 25 days per month. He's home on random days of the week.

I married him that way so when DD came along I was already used to it. When she was just born we talked on the phone on speaker so she could hear his voice. As she started sitting up we started skyping and now, at age 13mo she'll put up a show for him. When the phone rings she grabs whatever (remote, cellphone, toy) and runs to me with the thing on her ear screaming daddy daddy! soooo cute!

The thing that breaks my heart is when he leaves, she wakes up next morning asking where's daddy. When we go to the park or the store she asks again ( because he takes her to those places) but we live one day at a time. I do a PT nanny share so she can get some interaction with kids the same age and I can get stuff done around the house and for myself.

She's sick now for the very first time so this week has been really hard for both of us but somehow we just do it.

When he's home he takes over the childcare part. All the house chores are done so his only task is to throw the trash and play with DD.

[Anonymous]

My dad traveled quite a bit for a few years when we were younger. My mom was a SAHM. honestly, it just wasn't a big deal for us. Dad was off supporting the family, and spending every second he could when he got home. I imagine my mom got stressed but she did a pretty good job of hiding it. Do whatever you have to do to get through; the kids should be ok long-term.

my own perspective: i'm a single mom, dad gets deployed for 4-6 months every 18 months or so. It's really not that bad; we get into a routine, and I don't mind not having to plan around someone else's schedule.

[Anonymous]

I did not sign up for an absentee DH and absentee father to my kids.

[Anonymous]

What is your current division of labor at home? How often is DH home? I know for me this would be really hard because we are used to splitting parenting and house tasks 50/50. But all marriages are different and some families seem better equipped for this kind of arrangement. Would the new job bring in enough income that you could outsource cleaning and maybe get a mother's helper a night or 2 a week?

[Anonymous]

DH took a job like this a year ago. I have a fairly flexible job, and we have small dc. I just learned he has been having an affair with someone he sees at work while away. I am stunned. A year ago this would have been unimaginable. I realize this doesn't happen to everyone, but if you do it, stay connected. We had a good marriage until we started spending most of our time apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not sign up for an absentee DH and absentee father to my kids.

Actually, its what you do sign up for when you marry somebody. None of us go into it thinking our spouse will work long hours, or get cancer, that our children have autism or that we will have PPD. But it is a partnership, and one that you did indeed sign up for.

A decision like this needs to be made jointly with eyes open on the issues that may arise. And if the burden outweighs the benefits, decline the position. But a lot of people don't have that luxery.

[Anonymous]

DH travels 100% of the time - he is gone sunday night to thursday. I have a 22month old and pregnant with #2. How do I cope? I just deal with it. I am fortunate to have 2 sets of grandparents that live close by and are always willing to provide me with a break. I try to plan my week out with lots of stuff to do. It's not that hard, and it is what we have to do for DH to stay employed.