Anyone Pregnant Again and have a Little One Under One Year?

[Anonymous]

So... I just found out I am pregnant. We have a 6 month old and were not planning on another one yet. I was on birth control too. I am so tired, so sore and so annoyed. I really like I do not have the love right now for another little one. I'm angry as this wasn't planned. I'll have a 15 month old and a newborn. The thought makes me want to throw up, from sickness. Is anyone in this boat or been in this boat? I can use any advice you have.

[Anonymous]

Hi - I'm not quite in the same boat, but can still relate. My DS was about 14 mos when I became pregnant w/#2 - we haven't found out due date yet, but I think they will be 23 months apart. So, not quite as close as yours, but there will still be 2 in diapers at the same time. I immediately posted on DCurbanmoms that I was terrified! And received some very helpful and encouraging posts that we could do it. A few people wrote that they had kids close in age and that it was very hard to balance at first but (i) the newborn was easier the 2nd time around and (ii) beginning when #2 reaches 1 year, the older child can begin playing with the younger and that helps to keep them both occupied. I have also heard that if you space them under 2 years apart, it really does minimize the sibling rivalry in the long run. Another way I try to look at this is that yes, it will be tough, but it gets the whole baby stage out of the way in a limited period of time. If we chose instead to space them out 3-4 years apart or so, we'd just need to start w/diapers, potty training, etc all over again and it would be 6-8 years of managing a baby/toddler! That has to be pretty exhausting.

Can you try to arrange some for some help - either a PT babysitter or at least housecleaner - towards the end of your pregancy (so you can rest) and in the first few months (so you can spend time with both children?). That might help plus relieve some of the anxiety/stress about how you are going to manage.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It's really not that bad. It took us a year and a half to get pregnant with #1, so we started trying early the second time around. And, of course I got pregnant first try --#1 was only 10 months old. That makes them about 19 months apart. Now that #2 is a bit older (now 16 months), life has settled into a pretty good routine. Yeah, it was pretty tough in the beginning, but I think it works great now. I think the key is to completely let any notion of "normalcy" go. Just force yourself to stop worrying about the house, your neighbors, social events, dinner on time, etc. etc. In the first six months, don't put any pressure on yourself to do ANYTHING other than take care of your kiddos. If you have to go back to work, take the absolute longest maternity leave you possibly can. And, I agree with the PP that you should get a housekeeper and some sort of regular babysitting, at least for your older child, in the first few months. And, rely on any help from friends and family that they are willing to give. Yes, it is scary but you will be just fine!

[Anonymous]

In our family #1 and #2 are 23 months apart and I am due with #3 next month who will only be 16 months behind #2. Three kids under 3.5 years old, aagghh!!!

We had planned on having a third but didn't plan on it quite so soon but we are happy. We have pretty much resigned ourselves to the first year being completly insane but then it will hopefully settle into a routine. There are plenty of benefits to having them close including childcare (my husband stays home for now but probably won't want to forever so having them close is working for us), getting the baby making out of the way (my pregnancies have been pretty easy but I am ready to get back in shape and toss out the maternity clothes!) and hopefully all our kids will be close.

My only regret is I fell like #2 is getting short-changed and has not had enough one-on-one time with me and DH yet. But life is long and we have many years to get to know all of our children and give them all the love and attention we can.

That sucks that you were on birth control so I do feel for you. You do have options, if you are open to them. You seem to have a lot of anger surrounding this pregnancy so I would seriously consider if you think you will get over it before the baby is born. You don't want to be in a position of resenting #2. That isn't fair to anyone.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Yes, PP, I am angry. I can't pinpoint why but I have several stupid reasons that make me feel selfish. I wanted more time with my 6 month old, I don't want to short change him. I don't want to be pregnant over the summer - again. I don't want to feel sick and tired - which I already do. I am SO tired I can barely play with my baby. I want to drink coffee, I want to exercise and lose mycurrent baby weight. These are all selfish reasons but I still feel the way I do. I would consider other options but that makes me feel bad too. There are so many women who cannot get pregnant so who am I to decide not to have this one? Ugh, I just feel like shit. I do not want 9 more months of being pregnant, tired, large, sick. I'm also worried about my c-section scar. I feel like it hasnt been long enough. Ugh, and to top it off my DH thinks the idea of "Irish Twins" is so fun.

[Anonymous]

Every single reason you said for being upset is absolutely justified and I have a feeling that the vast majority of us with babies would feel the same way in your situation. You are entitled to your anger, you acted responsibly and still ended up in a less than ideal situation, so don't feel selfish. I know this isn't much help now, but in time you'll get adjusted to the idea and love both your babies. People have an uncanny way of dealing with that which we have to. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Not to burst his bubble--but you're not quite in Irish Twins territory--those are two born within 12 months of each other. This I know because they exist among my dad's siblings. He just missed with his sister (they are 12 months and a few days apart), and then a few kids later there are two within 12 months. Eeek!

My two are 19 months apart, so not quite as close as yours. But in case I can offer any reasons to make you feel better:

-- OK, so you haven't lost your pregnancy weight yet. Now you have no reason to starve yourself; just try not to completely overindulge in this pregnancy (regardless of what you did in your first), and it will come off after #2.
-- You are exhausted now, but that's the first trimester. It will be over soon. Plus, you are better off being exhausted with a stationary 6 month old, than being exhausted trying to keep up with a toddler who is a danger to himself and everything around him.
-- Who says you can't drink coffee? I did with pregnancy #2. I didn't suck down a pot a day, but a cup in the morning isn't going to hurt anything.
-- You feel right now (while tired, exhausted and annoyed) that you don't have room to love another baby. But you will once you are over these feelings. By the time little #2 arrives, you will be ready for him/her.
-- The adjustment from 1 to 2 kids is ALWAYS hard, no matter how close or far apart they are in age. Someone with kids the same age span as yours will be told me that the first two or three years (counting from the date the FIRST was born) were really tough with the lack of sleep and figuring everything out. But from that point on, it was a lot EASIER having two kids so close in age than it would be to have them farther part. They can share all the same toys, enjoy the same types of vacations at the same time, and really just GET each other.
--Pregnancy (IMO) is the worst part. I would have had my kids even closer together if it didn't mean being pregnant twice so close together. So yes, you have to get through that and it's no fun. But really, if you planned to have more than one child anyway, you were going to have to go through it again anyway. Might as well get it over with while your maternity clothes are still in style.

Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself. And I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically. But just know that you WILL feel better soon and I can almost guarantee you will be ready to love this baby by the time he/she comes along. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I completely feel with you! I am now almost 20 weeks pregnant with #3, with a 10 month old (who will be almost 15 months at birth) AND a 2.5 year old who has Down Syndrome, meaning he´s developmentally around 15/18 months now and in need of lots of attention. As in your case, this 3rd was wanted but not at all planned for now, as you can imagine. At first I simply could not believe it. I also remember wishing fiercely for a spontaneous 'menstruation´. But here it is again, that big belly. I felt much sicker and more tired than in the other pregnancies, but it does pass you know! (Even though it takes longer than in the first one) I can also very much relate to the PP feeling she is shortchanging her #2. After first knowing I became very demanding of him, wanting him to grow up ASAP. I have now started to pay more attention to him, which is very rewarding.

So, lots of negative emotions but on the other hand, if life with kids has taught me one thing it’s that really nothing can be planned or controlled. And this makes life unexpectedly beautiful as well! Learn to enjoy it as it comes: learning to adapt might even teach you new things about yourself. For example, pregnancies really tend to teach me about priorities! I can suddenly drop things that took a lot of time before. If you feel intuitions like that: do it! Do take some consideration time, of course, in order to establish whether it weren’t just the hormones talking.....

At the same time, parenting (your reactions, feelings etc) can also not be planned – as much as we like to think so - and humans need things, even if these are little things. With regard to the pregnancy, one thing I certainly don’t give up on is coffee: no well-dosed splurge could have any significant effect on your child. This is just an example, but what I mean to say is, even if you have some imposed limitations, you shouldn’t be ridiculously demanding of yourself either: you have enough of a situation as it is and by not attending to your own needs, at least some times, you´re probably a worse mother than when obeying all the ´rules´ (and who writes those anyway).
Also, try to focus on the benefits of your situation when your down: the kids will very soon be great friends to each other - leaving you with more time - and the diaper phase will be over much sooner than for most parents

And I think the hardest and most important lesson I am trying to teach myself is: don´t drown yourself in pity. This may sound harsh, but I´m really struggling with it myself too. I think the key is to accept your emotions, truly vent them - that is, without any guilt complexes afterwards - and then, yes, get on with your life and make the most of it. It´s a very good step you talk about it, I hope you can do that with good friends too. And it is of course important to talk to DH, but also very understandable that being in the same situation with different feelings can increase the problem. So don´t push it there, wait for calm moments to discuss things with him (of course, don´t try to keep your feelings from him entirely, as they are bound to vent out some way later on). All easier said then done, but then again: who said life was easy, and also, who said you aren´t able to cope with it!

Then with regard to your practical questions and worries:
- I don´t think your C section scar should be a problem. I had an all-natural birth 20 months after my C-section and there was really no problem then, and I expect to do it again now.ç
- You have to get help or day care! There´s no two ways about it!
- Create moments for yourself to enjoy during the day, however short: e.g. my cup of coffee, taken with a particularly unhealthy snack and the paper.

Hmm, this message is getting very long, I guess it´s cause you hit home. Hope I could be of some help.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you.

Here's a different perspective, from the point of view of the kid, not the parents: My brother is 15 months younger than I am, and I love that we're so close in age. We knew each other's friends, growing up with a opposite-sex sibling that close in age helped both of us better understand (and have, I believe, better relationships with) the opposite sex, and we didn't have much sibling rivalry. My mom says that I always hugged him, wanted to be with him, and never showed any signs of jealousy (which makes me think I didn't feel short-changed of time/attention from my parents). Now we can talk about turning 30, etc., because we're doing these things at roughly the same time.

I agree with all the previous posters who said that you're justified in feeling angry. I'm not sure if the above will make you feel better or not; I hope so.

[Anonymous]

This is 11:36 poster again. Do not worry about the c-section scar. I have had 2 c-sections and will have my third next month. I was allowed to try for a VBAC with #2 but went to 41 weeks with no signs of labor. My OB won't induce with a previous c-section so I had to have another one. I have had no issues with my scars during pregnancy. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with 3 c-sections (I really wanted a vaginal delivery!) but I am just about there.

I agree with all the PPs - your feelings are justified so don't feel guilty for having them. Also, enjoy whatever indulgences you are comfortable with during your pregnancies. I never avoided caffine (just didn't go crazy with it) and I would have the occasional glass of wine if it didn't make the damn heartburn so much worse!

The first trimester is the hardest because of the sickness and tiredness. It does get better and my second and third pregnancies seemed to go by MUCH faster than my first if that helps!

[Anonymous]

Hi
I have three under three (2 months, 17 months and nearly 3). No 3 - bless her - was quite a surprise given precautions taken. But here's what I think:

- the more kiddies you have the more love and affection you have. It's like each child gives you a burst of love so don't worry shortchanging the kids, they will have enough adoration to go around
- yes it's chaotic and a bulging diaper dekor is sometimes too much to face. But so many giggles and so much activity is exhilerating after you've recovered from the sleeplessness of it all.
- the sooner you complete your family the sooner you can tackle the baby weight thing without having that aweful feeling that it's a bit pointless because the next time you get pregnant it will all be Groundhog Day.
- your current baby will get so much out of having another little person around. I'm sure that one of the reason my kids are quite empathetic is that they all cannot remember a time when they were 'solo.' So we have no 'I'm king of the world' attitudes in our house - it's a case of having to learn to play nice with others. They love being with eachother.
- I think they will be closer for being nearer in age. For what they'll lose in terms of being muddled with each other at the same-age-and-stage they'll gain in having a buddy that is going through the same things.
- don't worry about repeat Cs. I've had three and if anything I've felt that they have got better. Everyone has a different experience but I don't know many people who have found that repeats have a worse effect.

I hope I'm not being too Pollyanna about this but I really did go through what you're thinking when I got pregnant (again). A disaster careerwise and a logistics nightmare. But we're as happy as clams. The key thing is not to fret. Assuming you want to keep the baby (and that's your call) you need to chill - and have a cup or two of coffee. This whole "can't have X Y and Z" has got a bit out of hand. Moderation is the key. And don't forget that you can still work on getting fit - a bit of walking and swimming does wonders to clear your head and help make you feel better about yourself.

All the best..

[Anonymous]

My brother and I are fifteen months apart and I know my mom said that she loved it and I loved it. My brother and I grew up so close together and we are still so close that it's not unusual for us to try and call each other at the same time. We had a lot of the same friends, were in similar activities and I consider him to be one of the people I respect most ..right up there with mom and dad and hubby. Maybe year one is going to be tough but after that you are going to sit back and enjoy the commotion--lots of noise and lots of love!!

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thank you to everyone who posted. I am sitting here crying. Not sure why but I keep looking at my little guy and I feel like I betrayed him. How kooky is that. I feel like I have to tell a boyfriend I cheated on him or something. I'm sure it's my crazy hormones but I feel l like I am going to hurt my 6 month olds feelings. Ugh, hopefully I'll feel better soon. Thanks again for the kind words. They really do help.

[Anonymous]

Hi - I have definitely heard that if you do have kids under 2 years of age apart, there is much much less sibling rivalry down the road! Maybe try to think about it from another perspective - not that you are shortchanging your first, but that you are giving them a gift of a second. I was an only child for 12 years and I very jealous of my friends with brothers and sisters (built in playmates!)

I am sure that it is hard so don't feel bad that you are feeling badly about this. But, do try to believe that there is a good side to this too!

All the best,

[Anonymous]

When I was born my brother--said his first two words--baby crying--it shocked everyone (I was born during a snowstorm and literally delivered by a nurse in hospital hallway i.e. dad and brother werer right there. And right from that point, he looked after me--fast forward almost 40 years later, he still looks after me. Don't worry about shortchanging--you child is going to be beyond lucky to have another partner out there in the world.