Should I give up tenured professor position to help DH move higher?

[Anonymous]

My father was away for a year and it took a toll on us four kids and my mother. I would certainly not recommend 3-5 years even with visits. Whatever you decide, keep your family together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

It's almost always the woman though, isnt it? OP has a great job. Her husband already makes a ton of money. But he wants to uproot their entire family to move across the ocean because of his career. He is not prioritizing his family! But somehow OP wanting to consider all her options makes her selfish? C'mon now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

It's almost always the woman though, isnt it? OP has a great job. Her husband already makes a ton of money. But he wants to uproot their entire family to move across the ocean because of his career. He is not prioritizing his family! But somehow OP wanting to consider all her options makes her selfish? C'mon now.

I'm the PP - I did not say OP is selfish anywhere in my post. My point is that the opposition and contempt to OP even asking this question "should i give up my job for spouse/family reasons" - THIS attitude is self-centered.

And it is not always the woman.... I know plenty of men who made similar decision/sacrifices, in my circle of well-educated, high earning acquaintances. It IS always the woman who posts about it on internet forums or discusses it thoroughly with friends, colleagues, etc. The men who do it, do it quietly. My husband did this for our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

It's almost always the woman though, isnt it? OP has a great job. Her husband already makes a ton of money. But he wants to uproot their entire family to move across the ocean because of his career. He is not prioritizing his family! But somehow OP wanting to consider all her options makes her selfish? C'mon now.

I'm the PP - I did not say OP is selfish anywhere in my post. My point is that the opposition and contempt to OP even asking this question "should i give up my job for spouse/family reasons" - THIS attitude is self-centered.

And it is not always the woman.... I know plenty of men who made similar decision/sacrifices, in my circle of well-educated, high earning acquaintances. It IS always the woman who posts about it on internet forums or discusses it thoroughly with friends, colleagues, etc. The men who do it, do it quietly. My husband did this for our family.

Will he be able to keep his job if he keeps turning down the overseas positions? Younger colleagues who are willing to relocate for a few years will eventually be promoted over him.

[Anonymous]

A tenured professor with four young children and a 7-figure HHI does sound like a unicorn. When does your DH have to make the decision, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

It's almost always the woman though, isnt it? OP has a great job. Her husband already makes a ton of money. But he wants to uproot their entire family to move across the ocean because of his career. He is not prioritizing his family! But somehow OP wanting to consider all her options makes her selfish? C'mon now.

I'm the PP - I did not say OP is selfish anywhere in my post. My point is that the opposition and contempt to OP even asking this question "should i give up my job for spouse/family reasons" - THIS attitude is self-centered.

And it is not always the woman.... I know plenty of men who made similar decision/sacrifices, in my circle of well-educated, high earning acquaintances. It IS always the woman who posts about it on internet forums or discusses it thoroughly with friends, colleagues, etc. The men who do it, do it quietly. My husband did this for our family.

You said it shows how self-centered to encourage OP to look at her options. You mention giving up something amazing for yourself to prioritize your family. You must see how the use of self centered alludes to calling her selfish.

I said almost always. And yes, a few men do it. But it's mostly women. Women give up their names, their bodies, their jobs. In this case, they already make $1M+/yr. There is absolutely no need for him to rip apart their lives. It is not self-centered for OP to want to keep a job she enjoys. It is not self-centered to think your family is better at home, around family, with $1m+ per year instead of more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is it really unsettling to see OP casually thinking about giving up essentially a dream job that many people are working hard to try to get?

+1

This notion is overblown. There is dream job and dream/ideal family life and setup. I’m not saying OP should do it, but it shows how self-centered we’ve become to find it so inconceivable that a man or a woman may, gasp, give up on something that’s amazing for themself because they prioritized the family….

The other thing I will say it, a lot of “dream jobs” are not what they seem from the outside. I am in academia - not tenured yet - but have many friends who are, and a lot of people would happily quit to pursue passions /early retire if their spouse could make as much as OPs husband.

This. That kind of income could set up a family for life. If you have a solid marriage, I would do it.

You can also tell from OP's original post that her job is just for stability/benefits. She's coasting. She doesn't want to get into management or "be a superstar in her field" - read, she doesn't want to continue on the publication train and compete for prestigious grants, awards, and fellowships. I know colleagues who do this once they are tenured, and that's totally fine, god knows how hard it is to get there, but they do it because they need the income. There is nothing magical about tenured professor. If OP has a solid marriage, do it for your family and free up the department budget to hear one of the many struggling graduate students or early career professors.

I know plenty of professors who do not want to move into admin or chase prestigious grants/awards and yet still enjoy working as a professor. Income may be part of the reason, but a lot of them stay in academia for the intellectual freedom and/or enjoy teaching.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you for all the comments. I do worry about the pressure long distance will put on the family, that's why I find the suggestion that I actually do the international commuting every week when university is in session appealing. Though I imagine it will be a very exhausting experience.

I am reluctant on giving up my job. Even though the job may not contribute much financially to the family, it has become an important part of my self identity that I worry what I will become without it. I also fear that I will grow too wary and resentful being a full time sahm (right now time for research/teaching is my escape/me time).

On the other hand, due to the nature of his role, DH will likely need to move either way if he does not want to transition to the international P/L role (or go back down). Doing the international stint and then come back to US leadership roles (most are based in HQ) is actually one of the more clear ways for long term stability.

We are still in the planning stage with at least a year left in DH's current position. So still have some time for me to plan thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, children are very young (oldest is only 6) so we are not too concerned about disruption to their lives. DH isn't sure either, he will likely need to find another job in another company if he does not want to move into international P/L roles in his company.

Do you want to leave your job, temporarily or permanently? Do you want to go overseas? Would it be hard for your husband to find another job at another company?

What motivates you here?

I have to say, it doesn't sit well that the assumption is your husband's career really matters and yours is expendable.

That the OP would even ask whether she should give up her *vocation* is exactly the kind of thinking that sets women back in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you for all the comments. I do worry about the pressure long distance will put on the family, that's why I find the suggestion that I actually do the international commuting every week when university is in session appealing. Though I imagine it will be a very exhausting experience.

I am reluctant on giving up my job. Even though the job may not contribute much financially to the family, it has become an important part of my self identity that I worry what I will become without it. I also fear that I will grow too wary and resentful being a full time sahm (right now time for research/teaching is my escape/me time).

On the other hand, due to the nature of his role, DH will likely need to move either way if he does not want to transition to the international P/L role (or go back down). Doing the international stint and then come back to US leadership roles (most are based in HQ) is actually one of the more clear ways for long term stability.

We are still in the planning stage with at least a year left in DH's current position. So still have some time for me to plan thankfully.

I would not give up your job for the reasons you stated. Is a sabbatical a possibility? I know a professor couple with children where one took a sabbatical while the other was on a Fulbright abroad.

[Anonymous]

Would you dh do this for you? I personally wouldn't because he wouldn't either

[Anonymous]

your husband will be working 24/7 regardless of where you are. no point in following him around and giving up your job. you will be sitting at home all day long (and alone - when the kids start their school) angry that he has another meeting/trip/late dinner and won't make it to dinner/vacation you planned/school performance etc etc. he won't have any time for you or the kids.

keep you job and make your current home a safe, stable harbor. let your husband fly professionally.