How to convince daughter not to follow her boyfriend to college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here w/a quick update. After all the spring drama, D and boyfriend mutually decided to call it quits. Seems like an oft told tale of HS relationships even though they thought they'd be the exception. I think they both found it too difficult to maintain a long distance relationship while being fully engaged with the new experience of college. D says she is heartbroken but at the same time relieved. She loves everything about Amherst so far and has quickly found a supportive friend group. We are grateful for that. She has a 4 day fall break coming up in a few weeks, and she already told us she is staying to be with her new friends. Apparently, they are already planning a weekend excursion to visit friends in Boston. As parents, we're relieved that she seems to be handling the break up as well as can be expected and amazed how quickly she's adapted to life as a college student. So much change in 3 short weeks!

Appreciate the update OP! This is one of the better and more thoughful threads on DCUM and I've enjoyed following along even though I don't know you or your daughter. My son is applying to colleges this fall and has a serious girlfriend who is a year behind him. He is considering staying closer to home for college to be closer to her. I don't think we parents factor in the decision at all. I pray that my son makes a thoughtful and well reasoned decision like your daughter did!

[Anonymous]

I also have a daughter with a fairly serious boyfriend. He's the senior, my daughter is the junior. Added bonus - he is already long distance. He is looking at GMU, and I'm afraid my daughter will give up on one of her possible majors and just try to go there (we are local). He's a sweet kid, but I don't think it is the best path for her.

[Anonymous]

Arghh! i showed this thread to my son to no avail. The child is lovesick and wants to go to George Mason to stay close to to a junior girl who is more an infatuation than girlfriend. She's even told him that she doesn't plan to stay in this area for college. He claims he can then transfer to another school next year (likely to wherever she's going to college). He's got close to straight As with 1500+ SATs and he is refusing to apply anywhere else. This from a boy who has had a UVA banner in his room since he was 5 years old (and where he is a legacy). His guidance counselor agrees that he is aiming low but she refuses to push him to apply elsewhere. With early application deadlines rapidly approaching, my husband and I are at a loss. We've even suggested that he apply elsewhere and then take a gap year. We've also tried to suggest counseling since we believe the boy is losing himself in his unhealthy infatuation with this girl and it is readily apparent to us that she doesn't share the same feelings. The whole situation is painful to watch and we are at our wits end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Arghh! i showed this thread to my son to no avail. The child is lovesick and wants to go to George Mason to stay close to to a junior girl who is more an infatuation than girlfriend. She's even told him that she doesn't plan to stay in this area for college. He claims he can then transfer to another school next year (likely to wherever she's going to college). He's got close to straight As with 1500+ SATs and he is refusing to apply anywhere else. This from a boy who has had a UVA banner in his room since he was 5 years old (and where he is a legacy). His guidance counselor agrees that he is aiming low but she refuses to push him to apply elsewhere. With early application deadlines rapidly approaching, my husband and I are at a loss. We've even suggested that he apply elsewhere and then take a gap year. We've also tried to suggest counseling since we believe the boy is losing himself in his unhealthy infatuation with this girl and it is readily apparent to us that she doesn't share the same feelings. The whole situation is painful to watch and we are at our wits end.

Sounds like uva is your dream, not his.

[Anonymous]

One of my friends did this. Her HS bf dumped her the first week. For a girl he met during orientation. She was devastated. She had to see him regularly for years as they had the same major.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Arghh! i showed this thread to my son to no avail. The child is lovesick and wants to go to George Mason to stay close to to a junior girl who is more an infatuation than girlfriend. She's even told him that she doesn't plan to stay in this area for college. He claims he can then transfer to another school next year (likely to wherever she's going to college). He's got close to straight As with 1500+ SATs and he is refusing to apply anywhere else. This from a boy who has had a UVA banner in his room since he was 5 years old (and where he is a legacy). His guidance counselor agrees that he is aiming low but she refuses to push him to apply elsewhere. With early application deadlines rapidly approaching, my husband and I are at a loss. We've even suggested that he apply elsewhere and then take a gap year. We've also tried to suggest counseling since we believe the boy is losing himself in his unhealthy infatuation with this girl and it is readily apparent to us that she doesn't share the same feelings. The whole situation is painful to watch and we are at our wits end.

oh that is tough. My DS is in college with a long term HS GF but they are five hours apart and it's worked so far (both sophomores). The silver lining with your DS is that George Mason is a fine school and if he keeps his studies up, he CAN transfer. if he truly always wanted to go to UVA, it's probably only about two hours away. He won't be seeing anyone except on the weekend best case anyway, so he can always drive back. And yes i know first years can't technically have cars at UVA but there are alot of exceptions given so if it means he'll apply there, then just try to get an exception, or park his car off grounds. Unfortunately it sounds like your DS is a little immature for college right now anyway. I'd tell probably personally tell him he's required to put in apps to there places but he doesn't have to decide until spring. I'd say if he doesn't I'm not paying for GMU.

[Anonymous]

I'm not the OP but found that OP had posted on another thread back in August 2023 so I thought it might be helpful and/or satisfy the curiousity of the followers of this original thread. The OP's daughter should be graduating this spring:

Ours also wonders what might have been. She was all set to attend Davidson but a surprise acceptance from Amherst had her torn. After much drama that I posted about on a thread here, she chose Amherst. Suffice to say, her college experience has not lived up to her high expectations. She even contemplated applying to transfer to Davidson.

So OP, financial situation permitting, please have your child do careful research beyond the brochures and rankings, do visit the final contending schools for more than a 75 min info session/campus tour and then trust your child to make their choice.



Are you willing to elaborate on why your she was not happy at Amherst ? Thanks in advance.



Clarification: she's not unhappy but is disappointed college life just hasn't lived up to her lofty (and likely unrealistic) expectations. Academically, Amherst has been good to great. She has enjoyed almost all of her classes and finds most professors impressively intelligent and approachable. She did have an issue w/her first year advisor who was a newish professor and was a bit clueless so gave her less than helpful advice on course selection.

Socially, however, she has confided that Amherst is oddly segregated and stilted. For example, many athletes/teams hang out, eat and party separately from their non-athlete classmates. Various identity groups self-segregate socially as well, and the college seems to leave the rest of the kids to themselves to figure things out socially. She told me more than once that she and her Amherst friends are extroverts in a sea of introverts. The college has also clamped down on large student organized parties due to some dorm damage incidents so there haven't been too many opportunities for the students to mix organically outside of class. And there are too many weekend nights where the campus is quiet. She is hopeful that the new administration will focus more on improving student life. She has visited her high school besties at UVA and Duke and sees their grass as greener. Her former HS teammate who is a senior at Davidson has also encouraged her to transfer though she's decided to stay put for now. Those friends seem to enjoy a more lively college scene that Amherst lacks. She is also a warm weather kid so it has taken her awhile to adjust to the longer winters. With all that, she is still very much looking forward to the start of fall semester and is determined to make the most of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the OP but found that OP had posted on another thread back in August 2023 so I thought it might be helpful and/or satisfy the curiousity of the followers of this original thread. The OP's daughter should be graduating this spring:

Ours also wonders what might have been. She was all set to attend Davidson but a surprise acceptance from Amherst had her torn. After much drama that I posted about on a thread here, she chose Amherst. Suffice to say, her college experience has not lived up to her high expectations. She even contemplated applying to transfer to Davidson.

So OP, financial situation permitting, please have your child do careful research beyond the brochures and rankings, do visit the final contending schools for more than a 75 min info session/campus tour and then trust your child to make their choice.



Are you willing to elaborate on why your she was not happy at Amherst ? Thanks in advance.



Clarification: she's not unhappy but is disappointed college life just hasn't lived up to her lofty (and likely unrealistic) expectations. Academically, Amherst has been good to great. She has enjoyed almost all of her classes and finds most professors impressively intelligent and approachable. She did have an issue w/her first year advisor who was a newish professor and was a bit clueless so gave her less than helpful advice on course selection.

Socially, however, she has confided that Amherst is oddly segregated and stilted. For example, many athletes/teams hang out, eat and party separately from their non-athlete classmates. Various identity groups self-segregate socially as well, and the college seems to leave the rest of the kids to themselves to figure things out socially. She told me more than once that she and her Amherst friends are extroverts in a sea of introverts. The college has also clamped down on large student organized parties due to some dorm damage incidents so there haven't been too many opportunities for the students to mix organically outside of class. And there are too many weekend nights where the campus is quiet. She is hopeful that the new administration will focus more on improving student life. She has visited her high school besties at UVA and Duke and sees their grass as greener. Her former HS teammate who is a senior at Davidson has also encouraged her to transfer though she's decided to stay put for now. Those friends seem to enjoy a more lively college scene that Amherst lacks. She is also a warm weather kid so it has taken her awhile to adjust to the longer winters. With all that, she is still very much looking forward to the start of fall semester and is determined to make the most of it.

Why not transfer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the OP but found that OP had posted on another thread back in August 2023 so I thought it might be helpful and/or satisfy the curiousity of the followers of this original thread. The OP's daughter should be graduating this spring:

Ours also wonders what might have been. She was all set to attend Davidson but a surprise acceptance from Amherst had her torn. After much drama that I posted about on a thread here, she chose Amherst. Suffice to say, her college experience has not lived up to her high expectations. She even contemplated applying to transfer to Davidson.

So OP, financial situation permitting, please have your child do careful research beyond the brochures and rankings, do visit the final contending schools for more than a 75 min info session/campus tour and then trust your child to make their choice.



Are you willing to elaborate on why your she was not happy at Amherst ? Thanks in advance.



Clarification: she's not unhappy but is disappointed college life just hasn't lived up to her lofty (and likely unrealistic) expectations. Academically, Amherst has been good to great. She has enjoyed almost all of her classes and finds most professors impressively intelligent and approachable. She did have an issue w/her first year advisor who was a newish professor and was a bit clueless so gave her less than helpful advice on course selection.

Socially, however, she has confided that Amherst is oddly segregated and stilted. For example, many athletes/teams hang out, eat and party separately from their non-athlete classmates. Various identity groups self-segregate socially as well, and the college seems to leave the rest of the kids to themselves to figure things out socially. She told me more than once that she and her Amherst friends are extroverts in a sea of introverts. The college has also clamped down on large student organized parties due to some dorm damage incidents so there haven't been too many opportunities for the students to mix organically outside of class. And there are too many weekend nights where the campus is quiet. She is hopeful that the new administration will focus more on improving student life. She has visited her high school besties at UVA and Duke and sees their grass as greener. Her former HS teammate who is a senior at Davidson has also encouraged her to transfer though she's decided to stay put for now. Those friends seem to enjoy a more lively college scene that Amherst lacks. She is also a warm weather kid so it has taken her awhile to adjust to the longer winters. With all that, she is still very much looking forward to the start of fall semester and is determined to make the most of it.

You bumped a three year old thread with a supposed update, though it doesn't refer to the subject of the thread, following boyfriend to college. WHY?

Most people will not notice that the thread is this old and then start responding to old replies.

[Anonymous]

I was coming here to complain about this zombie post after I realized I have invested so much time in reading something from years ago. Thanks, PP, for giving us the conclusion.