This whole trip on divorced and divorcing parents that pops up.

[Anonymous]

Hi. Perhaps some folks are not reading the forum title carefully, or don't remember when single parents had their own forum.

Here is a public serivce announcement:
Divorce is generally not something taken lightly. If a couple has decided to do so, they have already likely gone to counseling, thought it through, considered staying together "for the kids," etc. etc.

You're welcome. That was free.

Now, many of us post here for commiseration and a sense of community and actual, practical advice from other people who have gone through or are going through the same thing. We do not need your shaming, shadenfreude, guilt trips, or baggage. Have something constructive to add based on your actual, real-world experience? Please chime in. Still mad that you're stuck in your own crappy marriage? Just want to judge? Interested in talking trash about how divorced moms dress slutty and their kids are all doomed to be alcoholic rodeo clowns? There are several other forums available to you.

Have a nice day.

[Anonymous]

Love your post, OP. (single mom, never married, but totally can sympathize with the divorced folks, as we have a lot of the same issues.)

[Anonymous]

Right there with you. I'm divorced, but post here more because I'm now remarried and a step-mom. I think we get a similar knee-jerk reaction (stay out of it, your opinions don't count, and, my favorite, you knew what you were getting into)

[Anonymous]

12:27 The relationship between stepmother and mother of the first child/children is fraught, I agree. What I never get from stepmothers is any sense that they appreciate how much their arrival on the scene altered the post-divorce relationship between the first set of parents. My ex was much more communicative, much more involved with our child before his new partner arrived on the scene. (In fact, I always know when she travels for business because his old self resurfaces.) This partner has walked around in her underpants in front of our child, a boy, and not a toddler, in a hotel room! Our pediatrician was so appalled, she sent my ex a letter. She also connives to get my ex to take tons of vacations with her, as in several weeks a year, which means he drops overnights left and right. They do not care if that inconveniences me. This isn't knee-jerk. This is experience!
What really bothers me is stepmothers wanting the entire estate if their husband dies before them. In some circumstances, that is just wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:27 The relationship between stepmother and mother of the first child/children is fraught, I agree. What I never get from stepmothers is any sense that they appreciate how much their arrival on the scene altered the post-divorce relationship between the first set of parents. quote]
I get what you are saying, but this is your experience. I guess I don't feel its right to generalize from your experience to what all step-moms need to do. My husband is just as much involved with his son as before we married (50% custody) and takes a minimum of one week father/son vacation a year. (often the same amount of time we vacation as an entire family) If anything, I think he's more reasonable with his ex since I came along. If only because whenever he asks my opinion, I try to be fair, and I've often told him he's being unreasonable (turning down schedule change requests that we really could accomodate with just a little trouble, things like that) My step-son is also nuts about his half-sister.

I'm not saying its a bed of roses, but, this forum is also now for blended families too. Just like my marriage is not like someone elses, and, unless they ask, I shouldn't be popping in with trips for people heading towards divorce. My blended family situation isn't like someone elses. I've never been a single mom, and I'd never make assumptions about it. But, I often get the sense that people want me to acknowledge that my very existence is a negative that has to be compensated for.

I'm not sure why you brought in the estate thing, but surely that's very case dependant? THere's a huge difference between an Anna Nicole Smith and someone who remarries young and actually builds an estate as a copartner (or even primary earner) with their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right there with you. I'm divorced, but post here more because I'm now remarried and a step-mom. I think we get a similar knee-jerk reaction (stay out of it, your opinions don't count, and, my favorite, you knew what you were getting into)

ITA. Even when I post something that will actually benefit the former spouse, I get jumped on.

[Anonymous]

I think we're going off topic here, but I'll bite. I'm a stepmom and I think everyone's situation is difficult, and different. When I came into the picture, things between my husband and his ex improved. DH married at 22, baby at 25, divorced at 26. For years he struggled with his ex divorcing him. I entered the picture a few years after the divorced was finalized. I encouraged him to go to therapy, and has helped him be less-reactive in his communication with her. He has also become a more consistent father. Him and his ex have a better relationship, and I'll give myself partial credit.

I get really upset at the stepmom bashing. Yes, I knew what I was getting into. Yes, I also consider most issues with DH/his ex/step to be my business. My household is affected when they are in conflict. My income is not calculated into child support payments, but I make more than DH and my income goes to pay for family vacations, wonderful camps, airfare for holidays, and yes, the retainer fee. This is not a complaint. I consider being a step mom a responsiblity, and I treat it as one. I love my step son, and he loves me. He feels safe in our house, he does not see (we hope) the conflict that at times arise between his dad and his mom. When my DH and I have our own children, we will do everything we can to help him not feel excluded from our family unit, especially since he is only with us on the weekends. When he gets older and lashes out at me that "I'm not his mom" - I know it will come some day - well, it is my responsiblity to let him be angry and figure out what he needs and how I can help. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying and learning all the time and I know DH/his ex are, too.

There seems to be a lot of anger, in general, on this board. Someone's ex is awful, or someone's step is inappropriate, someone isn't thinking of the best interest of the child. MYOB, what are you doing to your family, "you knew what you were getting into", etc. But I think most of us feel like we're doing the best we can, or we come here to find other solutions. I feel isolated sometimes - I don't know anyone else who is a stepmom and I don't have any friends with a 9yr old. I often have questions on playground ettiquite or normal 9yr old boy behavior or how to deal in an ex-wife situation. I come to this board and this forum looking for help, but I'm usually too afraid to post because I'm afraid of the backlash of the generalizations that will be made of me because I'm a stepmom.

[Anonymous]

Good post OP - I've been divorced (and a stepmom) now remarried....it's hard to imagine that anyone thinks people just jump into divorce.

[Anonymous]

13:41 sounds like a real piece of work. Not surprised her ex went for an upgrade. Gross.

[Anonymous]

14:37 Here we go again. Anytime anyone criticizes a stepmother, not with sweeping stereotypes, but with real anecdotes about a real situation, we get the below-the-belt first-mom bashing. And then stepmothers complain about the wicked stepmother rap!

14:07 I brought up the estate matter because there have in the past year or so been two maybe three threads from stepmothers in this forum about estate planning, and they were rather divisive.

I am not going to get into specifics, and I know many stepmothers are wonderful, but the woman in my son's life does not have his best interest at heart. That's the reality. We don't discuss it, but he knows it. He's dealing. I'm being as positive as I can. In fact, cover lots for the two of them!

[Anonymous]

P.S. As I've noted before, this is a complicated relationship, I just wish both sides would step and consider what it's like for the other side. And I ask stepmothers: Who'd YOU rather be, the ex, or you?

[Anonymous]

would STOP is what I meant to type!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:37 Here we go again. Anytime anyone criticizes a stepmother, not with sweeping stereotypes, but with real anecdotes about a real situation, we get the below-the-belt first-mom bashing. And then stepmothers complain about the wicked stepmother rap!

14:07 I brought up the estate matter because there have in the past year or so been two maybe three threads from stepmothers in this forum about estate planning, and they were rather divisive.

I am not going to get into specifics, and I know many stepmothers are wonderful, but the woman in my son's life does not have his best interest at heart. That's the reality. We don't discuss it, but he knows it. He's dealing. I'm being as positive as I can. In fact, cover lots for the two of them!

I am the ex, and not a PP. I agree with the previous poster--you sound really angry and a bit off.

[Anonymous]

14:29 Your income will go into financial aid decisions for college. Something to consider in your long term financial planning.

As a first mom, I am so tired of the bashing from the stepmoms! (Not surprised her ex went for an upgrade? That is VICIOUS.)

[Anonymous]

OP here. Also gonna be a step parent someday and likely someday going to be the bio mom in a step relationship as well. PSA still stands. Please let's get a grip and not treat each other like crap.