Supporting friends, while helping yourself

[Anonymous]

I'm in a strange (?) time of my life, when a couple of close friends are actively trying to conceive and are making some progress, but I'm not doing so great. One couple seems to at last have success (still not several months along, though, so they are being ultra cautious before letting everyone know anything), and the other had a m/c and is trying again, regularly. I'm having issues that are causing TTC to be a challenge. All this is very personal, and though I crave support (bottling up feelings isn't ever good), I can't find myself able to talk with these friends. I guess I just can't, because the details are personal, and I know they won't be able to relate (they have not had the same challenges as me, I know this). I guess I'm frustrated because all I can do is support them, and inside I feel like I'm falling apart. I know they'd probably love to counsel me, hear what I have to say. Maybe I need to find another outlet. But, for example, I don't want to pay for counseling or something like this, and part of the trouble is I am a very private person. Anyway, all this rambling. Just curious if others can relate. Are you ever just on the listening/supportive side, but just can't get the help you need?

[Anonymous]

OP again ... I can see maybe my description is probably too specific/unusual for others to be able to relate. Maybe I can ask another way. For ladies on here who are having TTC challenges, do you have an outlet for emotional support, such as friends who also are dealing with issues (perhaps different than yours)? Or are you finding yourself sometimes unable to talk with anybody, even maybe your own mom or husband?

[Anonymous]

I do feel fortunate that I have an support group of other single women who are trying to conceive. It's extremely helpful because there are some unique issues to doing this as a single person compared to a being a couple.

But I think it's important for you to get the help you need, too. You say that you think your friends would love to counsel you and listen to you, yet you also think that they couldn't relate to your particular struggle. I'm not a counselor (at all) but I wonder if you are worried that they might disappoint you by not having the reaction that you're looking for? I can understand your misgivings. But I know that if my close friend were going through a tough time, I'd love to have the opportunity to be a shoulder for her to lean on. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

I could talk to noone really about the whole (in)fertility journey - and it was a long one. Except of course my husband. None of my friends were TTC. One of my best friends whom I had opened up to from the beginning, telling her about the details of what was going on, did not tell me that she herself was pregnant for over 4 months (we don't live in the same state), which was the worst, I was devastated (and after that I told noone anything anymore).

You on the other hand do have friends that are TTC also. You do not write why you feel they would not understand, but you do write they would love to support you, why not just try it? You don't have to immediately go into all the details? Maybe you'll be surprised by the advice they have? If you feel it's too awkward or you're not getting anything out of it, just stop talking about it.

I guess my other outlet was online, there are so many groups and forums and so many other women going through this. It keeps your own journey in perspective.
I also read "Waiting for Daisy" several times

Important is, that you do find some way to share, and something to inspire you and give you hope.

[Anonymous]

Hi Ladies, OP here. I appreciate your posts, thanks for sharing. It's true, maybe I am worried that my friends' reactions might not be what I'm hoping for. Well, I don't feel I can get into details here (though maybe that would help me!), but I know for sure they cannot relate to my circumstance. Their TTC challenges were more standard (though doesn't mean any less difficult -- not at all the case), and I think they would be shocked to hear of some of the ways I am struggling. I think it would be an easier decision to talk with them if it was just me, but I need to consider that I'm sharing personal details that also include my husband. I know he'd not appreciate others hearing about our private matters.
Well, you both are right, that I do need a way to talk/share about what I'm dealing with. I would actually love to talk with my friends because I feel really alone in my struggle, and close friends always support each other. I wish this was easier, but I know we all have our battles, don't we.

[Anonymous]

... OP again. Sorry, I wanted to add something. How I mention that I do wish I could talk with my friends, well, that's true. But there's a part of me that holds some bitterness, and I know it's not fair of me to feel this way. It's not their fault (or anyone else's) that I have the challenges I do, but somehow I find myself privately bitter (jealous?) that they are able to weather this journey better, and I know that some things have come much easier to them. I don't believe I could share my details with them, because it would just spill some very personal details, and then they would probably just feel badly for us. Maybe I do need to seek a more neutral party (counsellor, group, etc), but again going out formally for support isn't appealing to me.

[Anonymous]

PP 21:52 here (yeah, I'm up late)

I have to admit, you have me intrigued! I"m thinking, oh my gosh, what could be happening with that poor woman? But I respect your point that when your infertility journey involves someone else, you have to be a bit more circumspect with the details.

Again, I'm not a counselor, but I wonder if a support group might be an option? RESOLVE is a name that comes up a lot. Not that you would go there and immediately start spilling your guts, but maybe just listening to other people could be helpful. And those groups are a lot less formal than officially going to a therapist. I think you can share as much or as little as you want.

And of course, there's always here, if you don't mind putting up with a few trolls! I am sure that the circumstances you are going through have been experienced by another reader.

As for the bitterness, I think we've all experienced that to some degree. I feel bitter sometimes that I am relatively old and unmarried and I have to try this in a way that I never imagined. Twelve-year-old girls never daydream about the day they'll be knocked up in a doctor's office by an anonymous sperm donor. I have so many friends spawning now and it's not even that I"m jealous of their babies...I'm jealous that they have a whole family unit.

But enough about me. I hope that you can find someone to talk to, because no one should feel alone in all this. It's hard enough as it is.

[Anonymous]

OP - I understand what you are saying. Our fertility issues are entirely in my arena. . .so I feel very comfortable talking ad nauseum with my girlfriends about it. I have one girlfriend who is totally healthy fertility wise, but the issue turned out to be Male Factor (they sent them straight to IVF). She was very evasive about what the issue is (and truthfully I never asked -none of my business - just listened), but her husband offered it up over dinner one night quite openly. She was beyond relieved and the flood gates opened. We were on the phone everyday after that discussing treatments etc which honestly we could have been doing if I had known the reason or not. All of this is to say, yes, certain issues are harder to discuss especially if some of the issues are your husband which he might be taking very personally (amazing how much that sperm count inflates or deflates them isn't it!?). I'd highly highly highly recommend Sharon Covington's therapy practice - she is THE expert in infertility counseling - she's heard it all. I know you say you aren't interested in formal counseling, but perhaps trying it just once would help you decide.

[Anonymous]

One of the PPs here also. Just like the other PP, I'm thinking, what could possibly be going on that prevents you from talking to ANYONE: your good friends who are struggling TTC also, a therapist or 'official' support group, or even the anonymous internet???
I really would like to help, and I'm also a very private person, so I understand that part.
You write that your friends would be shocked and would feel very badly for you, and it's involving your husband, so you feel you shouldn't be the one talking about this with your friends. You also feel that your situation is highly unusual to get the support you are craving.

My question: Do you guys have an RE and are currently going through diagnostics or treatment? Or are you TTC by yourselves??

Also, please don't feel you have to write anything here, but think about this:
Let's say your husband produces no sperm, or that your husband cannot have sex (something anatomical, or ED etc). If you thought that's highly unusual, you'd be wrong. There would hardly be any shock in that, esp for anyone who has gone through the whole RE thing, and knows countless others who have gone through it. Now would you want to 'expose' your husband to your friends : again, I think you don't have to go into all the details immediately, you can see what their reactions are and how you feel, and how does your husband feel, and can you trust your friends to ask them not to tell their husbands etc, is your husband spending lots of time with your friends and their families, etc.
Let's say the anticipated shock reaction, friends feeling sorry for you, and your bitterness that you mentioned are not for any of the above reasons (they really shouldn't!), let's say that there was sexual abuse in your husband's past, I would say, sadly, you'd not be alone in that either. If you are falling apart like you wrote, because he is falling apart, you both need help and support. Here again the question if you have an RE, a urologist, and would get a psychologist or therapist.

You shouldn't feel alone in this because I guarantee you, no matter how unusual you think your situation is, someone else is going through it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't feel alone in this because I guarantee you, no matter how unusual you think your situation is, someone else is going through it!

I talked mainly with friends who had gone through similar (and different) infertility journeys. But I also, at various times, Googled infertility support sites/message boards. There are several of them out there, and I don't remember which ones I looked at now. It was different ones at different times, depending on what issue I was facing at the time and where I was in my infertility journey. The advantage to the message boards, I think, is that they can show you that A) you are not alone and B) there may be someone with an even "worse" problem than you have. For some reason that was encouraging to me -- oh, they have X complications and still were able to get pregnant, maybe we can too.

[Anonymous]

OP if you are dealing with male factor issues, I can totally relate to your situation. My DH is a very strong, athletic guy that just couldn't cope with the fact that he was "shooting blanks" as he put it, and we needed IVF with ICSI to have a baby. Now 3 years later he is more open about the situation with close friends, but I don't think he shares with guys in the locker room. Basically we females process this situation differently from guys, I really needed my friends but when we were in the midst of our first cycle my DH didn't want anyone to know.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone, OP here. I'm touched that you all took the time to write, thanks so much. Despite the various criticisms people make about and on DCUM, I know there are genuinely compassionate people out there, such as all of you.

To offer a bit more information, as far as we know so far, our issues are due to me alone. But still, I think my husband would be sensitive about things if I did openly speak of our challenges with friends. I guess part of it is that when we learned of others' pregnancies, we just heard about it; we knew of no struggle(s) they had (not that we ought to, but it seemed it was clear sailing all the way). Actually, for one friend I was in disbelief to learn of her pregnancy only after an indirect birth announcement (!) That was an atypical case, but essentially, couples kept their troubles, if they had any, private.

The idea of visiting messages boards, and coming online here, I think is offering some comfort, because I can keep some aspects private. I'm sorry for not giving out more details just now here, but I truly appreciate the advice you're all giving. It's fantastic you ladies did have people/friends to talk with, and I can imagine it'll be a huge relief when I can find my outlet as well.

[Anonymous]

Single person here hoping to conceive despite 2+years of ttc.

What is the singles support group? Thanks!

Good luck, OP.. I am rooting for you, and everyone else on the thread!

[Anonymous]

.... Sorry, OP again (I keep having afterthoughts). This is a bit terrible, but because of the state of mind I'm in (because of what I'm going through), I'm actually finding myself not wanting to talk with friends, at all. I know it's not healthy to withdraw oneself like this. I am in touch fairly regularly with those 2 friends I mention earlier, but with other people I know, I'm finding myself wanting to just keep it to e-mail or just brief chats.

For example, I have another friend (my only male friend, actually), with whom I have nice catch-up/keeping in touch chats every few months. This is bad of me, but I have this feeling he wants to share some good news (i.e., his wife is expecting) in our next chat. (We spoke I think just last month, and he asked me in an e-mail if I'm free to talk next week.) I know it's terrible of me to predict things, and then possibly shun him. I'm sure I'll eventually speak with him, but wow, I don't think I'm prepared to hear that news, and then really be unable to reciprocate. (To make things "worse," I'm a year older than him, and 3 years older than his wife; I'm in my later 30s, so time's not truly on my side.) Gosh, sorry everyone. This must make me sound terrible. What can I say, who would not want her own victory to announce, rather than always only hearing about the good things happening to others ...

[Anonymous]

Thank you 16:18, and to everyone else, too. I do wish you all luck as well ...
(OP)