Supporting friends, while helping yourself

[Anonymous]

Single PP here: Single Mothers By Choice has an active group in this area, with monthly meetings of "thinkers" and "tryers." There's also various message boards for women interested in conceiving, adoption, parents of older kids, younger kids...any group you might think of. I've found it well worth the membership price. You can start here:

http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/

To the OP: I do find myself withdrawing from my friends a little bit on this. Unlike you, I'm not very private at all! I'm totally a blabbermouth. However, I don't want to have to give monthly updates to my buddies (and have to repeatedly say that it's not working) so I find that I'm keeping more to myself on this on topic.

I don't know if that is entirely healthy, but I've only withdrawn from them on issues of conceiving; on other things, we can talk to each other just fine. So if that's your situation -- you'd rather not talk about TTC but you feel like you're still close to your friends in other ways -- maybe there's not so much to worry about.

[Anonymous]

thanks, single pp, for the info about singles support groups!

if you do not mind me asking:
how long have u been ttc?
how old r u?
what procedures/protocols have you had? how many?
re/clinic?

best wishes,
(from another single person here.)

[Anonymous]

15:11 here -- the friends I was able to talk to were friends that I had met through an online forum that had nothing to do with fertility. We just got to know each other over the years and went from semi-anonymous acquaintances to real friends who had met in person. The only "real-life" friend (i.e., someone I hadn't met online first) I ever discussed anything with -- and even then it wasn't a lot of detail -- was a friend who I knew had adopted because of fertility issues. To this day, some of my "closest" friends have no idea what DH and I have been through.

And, yes, when DH and I have been in the midst of trying and a friend announces a pregnancy, it's been like a punch in the gut. I don't think that's particularly uncommon. Different people figure out different coping mechanisms, and you'll figure out yours. But it's ok to have really mixed feelings, at best, about others pregnancy announcements.

[Anonymous]

Single PP here: I'm 39, turning 40 in September, I've been TTC since Feb but I've only had two Clomid IUIs (2 other cycles didn't work get all the way to insemination for various reasons), and I'm seeing Dr. Sacks at CFA.

(sorry to horn in on your thread, OP! Let me reiterate what PP 19:59 said, that mixed feelings are *normal*. Of course you will be happy for your friend if his wife is expecting, but it'll be mixed up with all kinds of other feelings too, and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

Hi recent PPs, OP again. Thanks for writing and the various comments. It's good to hear that I'm not alone in my feelings. Well, as much as I know I'll have to face friends, and keep in touch, I just postponed my chat with that friend I mentioned. I just don't feel up to talking, and probably learning that his wife is expecting. I mean, what can I say in return? Of course I'll congratulate, etc, but I have no good news to reciprocate just now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have so many thoughts/cautions on this topic based on a similar situation we went through with a group of friends. Two were TTC and having major issues; both ultimately had twins through IVF, but the road to getting there was not smooth for either. Three were not TTC, at least not at first. One of the two TTC could talk about nothing but TTC. We knew every detail of every doctor's appointment, test and procedure she had. Being a supportive friend under those circumstances was tough. You wanted to be there for your friend, but there's only so much a person can take on the subject, especially if TTC is not on your radar. The other who was TTC didn't tell anyone for months. Instead she was very withdrawn and at times lashed out for no reason because of what she was going through. This caused much stress in her relationships with the rest of us because she was given space (we all suspected the problem, but she's private, so didn't want to pry) and spiraled completely out of control before she let us in. Once she finally opened up, the two who were TTC could speak only about that. And because they were not only going through their procedures at roughly the same times and using the same doctor, it became almost weirdly competitive between them.

Flash forward a couple of months to one of the three not TTC, at least not at first. She and her husband decided to start a family and got PG fairly easily, which did not go over well with the other two. First they were upset it happened so quickly for the third. Then they found it unfair because both felt their desire to start a family was much stronger than hers. When this friend announced her pregnancy, the other two were not supportive at all. One even got drunk and wallowed in self pity in front of the newly PG friend!? (The other chose to get drunk by herself a few weeks after the reveal.) This was rather shocking and upsetting, as the newly PG friend had supported the other two, but instead of being happy for her, they were anything but.

At lot of bad attitudes and behaviors on behalf of all involved ended up wreaking havoc on our friendships. Some relationships have recovered over time, but some have not and will likely remain forever damaged. It's a shame.

My advice? Tread lightly. There's a fine line here and it really is hard to tell where it's drawn. Agree with a PP that you should find an outlet. You need to talk about this and preferably with someone who is not as emotionally involved as your DH. Try to remember that, while the road to getting PG may not seem outwardly difficult for your friends who now are, you never know the struggles someone else has gone, or is going, through unless they tell you. It's unfair to think your road has been more difficult than theirs without knowing for a fact that is has. And even if it has, that is simply just life -- and biology -- and no one is to blame. Even though it may not seem fair that you don't have great news of your own right now, be happy for your friends. After all, when the good news is finally yours to share, you do want them to be happy for you, right?

[Anonymous]

OP: I am one of the early PPs who wrote a very supportive post. I was really worried about you, saying that you are 'falling apart', need to talk, need counseling, but find that you can't share anything at all with anyone, not via anonymous internet, not even with your friends who are struggling TTC also, and on top are dealing with the tragedy of miscarriage! You hinted that *your* problems are different from all others, that you are struggling in a most unusual way, that would be SHOCKING for your friends or anyone to know! I was worried that you are dealing with the worst kind of trauma or something and are all alone...

Now after your updates, I have to say I feel confused, even taken aback, and wonder why on earth you think that your problems are so different and shocking from everyone else's, why your TTC friends would be so shocked, as you wrote, to hear of your struggles, and why you can't talk to anyone, whether on the internet, with a counselor, or with your friends.

Everyone on this board and other TTC boards has dealt with some form of months and years of lives on hold, every conceivable known (or unknown) male or female factor, strained relationships, hurtful comments or attitudes by friends and or family, even lost friendships and marriages, financial difficulties, painful procedures and surgeries, periods of bitterness and hopelessness, and more... and everyone in the country seeming to be pregnant around them at the same time.
You *can* give *and* receive support, consolation and hope.

You never mentioned whether you are seeing an RE. I wish you the best of luck, and I think you may be surprised at the support you'll get from your TTC friends, (or new 'virtual friends') if you ever do open up to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice? Tread lightly. There's a fine line here and it really is hard to tell where it's drawn. Agree with a PP that you should find an outlet. You need to talk about this and preferably with someone who is not as emotionally involved as your DH. Try to remember that, while the road to getting PG may not seem outwardly difficult for your friends who now are, you never know the struggles someone else has gone, or is going, through unless they tell you. It's unfair to think your road has been more difficult than theirs without knowing for a fact that is has. And even if it has, that is simply just life -- and biology -- and no one is to blame. Even though it may not seem fair that you don't have great news of your own right now, be happy for your friends. After all, when the good news is finally yours to share, you do want them to be happy for you, right?

PP here, I really agree with all aspects of this.