Help, how do I keep the house clean when everyone else messes it up?

[Anonymous]

My house is a mess. Every few months, I will suck it up and do a massive clean up of all the clutter. I work full time and we do lots of activities with the kids so there is not much time to clean up. I used to have a cleaning lady but it was so stressful staying up until 2 in the morning cleaning up the clutter so she could clean. She did a good job the first few times but then started slacking and was not doing a great job. Between the stress of decluttering and the expense, it didn't seem worth it.

My husband is part of the problem. He does the bare minimum, always less than me. If I am sick and take a few days not to stay on top of laundry or dishes he takes it as cue to do nothing himself rather than pick up the slack. If he is sick, I do everything. He has never done anything beyond laundry, usually his, and the dishes. When I scream at him he will reluctantly go do something or when I am doing a massive clean up he will do some things. However, he really accomplishes very little for the amount of time he spends doing it. He piles stuff everywhere. The kitchen island, any counter surface that it convenient, others rooms.

My kids have way too many toys that are scattered everywhere in the house. They have terrible habits in not putting things away. It is always a battle to get them to clean up.

How do I get control of this situation?

[Anonymous]

Do one huge deep clean and then download motivated moms chore planner http://www.motivatedmoms.com/products.html

or follow the Fly Ladys cleaning plan. http://www.flylady.net/

Either way, dont try to do it all at once. Do a little something every day.

And get a new husband!

[Anonymous]

Get rid of half the stuff in your house. It sounds like toys are the biggest issue, but I bet there is also plenty of unused kitchen stuff, clothes, sporting equipment, etc. lying around. Considering you are out of the house so much it sounds like you don't really need a whole lot. Come up with a system that makes it doable for your kids to put their own things away. Just like you, they get overwhelmed when they have to clean up a whole big mess and the whole place is a mess already and there's really no place to put anything anyway. Invest in storage that is usable and accessible for your kids--a lot of people like the Ikea Trofast and/or Expedit units. Use bins and label them with words and/or pictures depending on your kids' ages. Model and insist on putting things away before moving on to the next activity. Help them and work with them to make it manageable, but keep your expectations as high as appropriate for their ages. Don't yell and scream but be ready with swift and direct consequences. E.g. you can't play outside until you put the cars away in the cars bin. If you need to cut down on the activities for a while you have to decide if it's worth it. That's up to you.

The husband is a little harder but the same principles apply. Come up with a way to make it convenient to be organized. A basket for mail, a tray for shoes, etc. Consequences work here too: let him see what happens if you don't pick up the slack. Let his important piece of mail get lost or dinner-splattered; work late a few nights when you know the kids have no clean PJs and the sink is full of dishes.

You may benefit from getting a professional in to help you thin out your belongings and set up systems initially. I highly recommend Tricia Masi from Pristine Living by Patricia. (I don't work for her or anything--I've just used her services and she's awesome. But I'm sure there are lots of great people out there who do this kind of thing too.)

[Anonymous]

12:32 here. I wanted to add that keeping the house clean/organized does take time. You can make it much easier but you can't make it effortless. You may have to spend a little more time at home to get the kind of results you want. I'm not saying one way or the other is better, but I do find that the busier I am the messier my house gets. I'm OK with a little clutter but when things start to get really out of control it makes me anxious and unable to relax at home. So for me it's worth using some of my spare time even if it cuts down on activities. Every other month or so I'll even take a morning off from work and deal with the house. I wouldn't blame you if you'd rather use your rare free time for a pedicure or shopping trip or drinks with the girls--we all do what we need to keep ourselves sane.

Another thing to remember is that cleanliness is a slippery slope. It helps a LOT to do a 5-minute once-over before you go anywhere. Every time. Literally, once you get in a groove you don't need more than a few minutes, but you do have to plan aheady to make sure you have the time.

Sorry to inundate you with advice. These lessons have been VERY hard-learned for us but I finally feel like we're in a good place and I love coming home to a (reasonably) neat/organized house.

[Anonymous]

Start a chore chart for your kids. They need to learn to clean up their toys when they are finished playing with them. If they don't, tell them they will get thrown away (always works for me), but the better idea is the chore chart and they can earn rewards - trip to the ice cream shop, or a movie, etc. As for your husband, sounds like he's lazy and needs a list for himself and/or needs to know what you expect from him and how you/he can share the responsibilities of the house duties.

[Anonymous]

Do some every day. Kids need to help.

And rehire a cleaning service - you'll keep it neater know it has to be tidy enough to clean every two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of shit. Nobody will miss it.

[Anonymous]

_When I scream at him he will reluctantly go do something_

Maybe if you spent less time screaming and more time cleaning your house wouldn't be such a pigsty,

[Anonymous]

Teach your husband some of the jobs and make them his responsibility. Same for your children. Then police all you want but make them do it themselves.

My DH has ADD and no clue how to tidy up. If he's home, he will vacuum or do dishes or laundry, because those are easy: he knows where the plates/clothes/etc are supposed to end up and all he has to do is push a button. But pick things up? Organize? He will get lost spending hours sorting through one meager pile of papers. Aaargh!

So our household is theoretically divide and conquer. But practically I do nearly all of it because he works insane hours and I don't

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in your shoes right now. Only difference is that I stay at home. It's not much easier though because I care for a special needs son as well. I too am ready to ditch the cleaner because it's a huge stress on me to declutter, and I'm the only one doing it.

I have no advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

OP,

Throw shit away. If anyone asks you about it just shrug your shoulders and say, "Who can find anything around here -- we so need to get organized...want a beer?" I routinely throw things away. If you aren't as ruthless as I am, get a packing box and just throw crap into it and stick it in a corner. If no one goes looking for anything in the box for a month, throw it away.

WRT kids' toys -- put a date on your calendar 2 times per year to go through your kids toys. I do it before birthday and Christmas. Now, mine is old enough to do it with me. She evaluates her toys and tells me which ones she isn't using. Before she became so mature, I went through her stuff and eliminated large quantities of it. She never missed anything. I freecycle b/c I know I can get rid of kids toys in under 24 hours.

Examine your trouble spots. One of mine is paper. I hate it. When the mail comes in, I sort it over the trash can. I do not allow my husband to handle mail. He has unopened mail from before we were married. I get all my bank stuff online. I do bills online. Ultimately there is very little mail that I have to keep. Another trap for me is paper from school. Our school sends home news, sign up sheets, etc on one day per week -- I deal with it ALL that day right when I get home from work. I decide which school events we will attend -- I do not consult my husband. I fill out all forms, write checks, pack the backpack, and update my calendar all right then. I keep a small basket with pens, checkbook, envelopes in the kitchen so I am not running to the 4 corners of the earth trying to sign up for the ice cream social.

Art work. I have a display area where I hang stuff up for a while and then I throw it away.

Coming into the house -- coats, shoes, bags. I cleaned out the closet and garage specifically so we would have places to hang up bags and coats. My husband after rescuing his gym bag from the trash a few times knows to put it someplace other than the floor in the kitchen. The 1st time I threw it away I asked him to move it 3 three times and he didn't, so I threw it out. When he got pissed I told him I asked him 3 times to put it away and he did not so I figured he didn't need it anymore and then I asked him how many more times I should have asked him to move it. A couple more rounds of that and he put it away.

I assigned my husband specific tasks. Stuff that is not time sensitive and if he doesn't do it. I don't do it for him. If my daughter tells me she doesn't have clean underwear I tell her to talk to daddy because he puts the laundry away. If we don't have dishes to put dinner on, I don't cook. If you stop rescuing, you can make change, but you have to be willing to fight for it and a lot of women aren't willing to demand parity. I still do WAY more than my husband, but my house is fairly organized and clutter free and he does whatever I need him to do or he tells me he doesn't want to do a particular task and I hire it out. And he knows that when I go on an organizing bender to get out of my way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Throw shit away. If anyone asks you about it just shrug your shoulders and say, "Who can find anything around here -- we so need to get organized...want a beer?" I routinely throw things away. If you aren't as ruthless as I am, get a packing box and just throw crap into it and stick it in a corner. If no one goes looking for anything in the box for a month, throw it away.

WRT kids' toys -- put a date on your calendar 2 times per year to go through your kids toys. I do it before birthday and Christmas. Now, mine is old enough to do it with me. She evaluates her toys and tells me which ones she isn't using. Before she became so mature, I went through her stuff and eliminated large quantities of it. She never missed anything. I freecycle b/c I know I can get rid of kids toys in under 24 hours.

Examine your trouble spots. One of mine is paper. I hate it. When the mail comes in, I sort it over the trash can. I do not allow my husband to handle mail. He has unopened mail from before we were married. I get all my bank stuff online. I do bills online. Ultimately there is very little mail that I have to keep. Another trap for me is paper from school. Our school sends home news, sign up sheets, etc on one day per week -- I deal with it ALL that day right when I get home from work. I decide which school events we will attend -- I do not consult my husband. I fill out all forms, write checks, pack the backpack, and update my calendar all right then. I keep a small basket with pens, checkbook, envelopes in the kitchen so I am not running to the 4 corners of the earth trying to sign up for the ice cream social.

Art work. I have a display area where I hang stuff up for a while and then I throw it away.

Coming into the house -- coats, shoes, bags. I cleaned out the closet and garage specifically so we would have places to hang up bags and coats. My husband after rescuing his gym bag from the trash a few times knows to put it someplace other than the floor in the kitchen. The 1st time I threw it away I asked him to move it 3 three times and he didn't, so I threw it out. When he got pissed I told him I asked him 3 times to put it away and he did not so I figured he didn't need it anymore and then I asked him how many more times I should have asked him to move it. A couple more rounds of that and he put it away.

I assigned my husband specific tasks. Stuff that is not time sensitive and if he doesn't do it. I don't do it for him. If my daughter tells me she doesn't have clean underwear I tell her to talk to daddy because he puts the laundry away. If we don't have dishes to put dinner on, I don't cook. If you stop rescuing, you can make change, but you have to be willing to fight for it and a lot of women aren't willing to demand parity. I still do WAY more than my husband, but my house is fairly organized and clutter free and he does whatever I need him to do or he tells me he doesn't want to do a particular task and I hire it out. And he knows that when I go on an organizing bender to get out of my way.

You go girl! I'm working on my own backbone now.

[Anonymous]

who really cares? Are you going to look back from your deathbed and be proud you haggled and harassed your husband and kids to keep the house clean for visitors who rarely came? I hope not. And if so - LIVE ALONE - LEAVE YOUR KIDS AND HUSBAND - HAVE A CLEAN SOLO APARTMENT - if that is the most important thing to you.

[Anonymous]

I second the advice to get rid of stuff and clutter.

Also, one of my big tips is - smaller house means less to clean. DH was initially concerned that the house wasn't big enough and we needed to move. We're still here in the smallish house - and it is about as much as I can handle to keep up with cleaning/organizing this house.

I recommend the book "Home Comforts," it is a classic on cleaning and organizing. Before I read its suggestions, I was skeptical that spending time reading a book could help keep the house clean. But this book has concrete suggestions that have eased my life. It should be at your local library (don't clutter your house further with books or anything else!!!!_)

[Anonymous]

My husband is no help either and we have toddlers too. DH often comes home and kicks his work boots off, throws his keys down somewhere (and then can't remember where he put them), and will leave his clothes on the bathroom floor after taking a shower. If he gets home before me, the mail will be piled up on the door stoop; if he does get it, it will be piled up on the kitchen counter.

My imperfect solution is to organize the clutter choke points. I have a bunch of baskets I bought cheap at Ikea that I can throw things in to sort later, I have the kids help put their own toys away before we leave or go to bed, I put up a shoe rack right next to the front door, and a small table and key hook for his keys, cell phone and the mail, and a laundry basket right outside the bathroom door (I'd put it inside but the rooms too tiny). I sat DH down and told him I expect the 4 y/o and am teaching the 2 y/o to clean up after themselves, and that it's unfair for him to treat me like his housekeeper. All I expect from him is to take an extra minute to put his things away in the convenient places I set up. It's gotten a lot better since then. Now if I come behind DH and find his crap every where, it's usually because he's had a hell day. Then I can understand a little mess.