Would you intervene if you adult son is an alcoholic and DIL is seeking your help?

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation recently as the DIL. I did reach out to my MIL and she did take the time to call me, which I appreciate. And she did not betray our conversation to my DH. She was honest and advised he has to want to do this himself or it won't work, and she is right. My MIL has other family members who were alcoholics so it is not her first rodeo. She did tell me Al Anon is very helpful.

I reached out to her at a very low point and I am glad we had that conversation.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My DH almost died due to his alcoholism. I’m glad his parents supported his sobriety. He’s still here and sober, and proud. You can’t do it alone.

[Anonymous]

Of course you help.

My friend whose husband was an addict and suffered a mental breakdown while she was pregnant with her second child. The husband went on a manic spending spree and spent all their money and went into debt buying an expensive car.

My friend asked her in laws for help and they turned their back on her and him. They cut him off and they had to sell their house they could no longer afford. At some point after the baby was born, the parents finally helped get him to rehab and blamed my friend for not being a better wife. They basically blamed the DIL for stressing out their son and causing him to have a breakdown.

[Anonymous]

DIL’s feelings are less relevant in my opinion.

I cannot believe OP is not stepping in to help her son. It is the same as if a friend or girlfriend was telling you that your child is an addict.

Assuming that the son has always had problems and OP feels it is now DIL’s problem.

My BIL has a lot of problems and I’m so glad he never married and never had kids. He is only our family’s problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, My brother died at age 50 from alcoholism.

OP here. Our son is very successful in everything he does, I don’t think he’s that bad of an alcoholic to be honest, I think DIL is blaming everything on his drinking but in reality there must be other marriage issues. Of course I want our son to be healthy.

OP. I was the equivalent of your daughter. What you’re saying is what his parents said when I reached out to them for years. Your son and my ex appear high-functioning to the outside world. He can fool you, his employer (for a time), and the world, but only for a time. Meanwhile he is messing up the family. Are you aware how alcohol affects the drinker, the wife, and the kids? Sure, there are probably other minor issues in the marriage, but most boil down to the drinking (finances, lack of intimacy, household duties, helping with kids). Sadly, he is likely an ‘absent’ but a physically present dad and husband who likely contributes little to his family but emotional unpredictability and poor role modelling when it comes to alcohol. His wife isn’t the problem. She wishes this weren’t the case, and she wouldn’t come to you unless she was concerned about your son and grandkids. She has likely done all that is within her power to help your son and to keep the family functioning.

Stop making excuses. Stop blaming her. Believe her. Approach your son, let him know that you love him and don’t listen to his excuses. Support him if he is ready for professional help. But don’t throw the blame on his wife/mother of your grandkids. Admit that you’re a part of what created this issue, and do something so the damage doesn’t continue into the next generation.

Please, wake up. Do what you can. And get your butt to Al Anon. If he continues to go down this route, his wife will (hopefully, for the kids’ well-being) leave, he will eventually mess up at his job, and then he will become your problem again. Hopefully he will hit rock bottom, get help, and maintain a life of sobriety for himself and his kids. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DIL’s feelings are less relevant in my opinion.

I cannot believe OP is not stepping in to help her son. It is the same as if a friend or girlfriend was telling you that your child is an addict.

Assuming that the son has always had problems and OP feels it is now DIL’s problem.

My BIL has a lot of problems and I’m so glad he never married and never had kids. He is only our family’s problem.

My brother is bipolar and has had substance abuse problems. He has been hospitalized and in rehab. I’m glad he is only our problem and he has no wife and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

lol. Always believe an addict Op. way to go.

Op you really suck. If I were your DIL, I would cut you off completely. She asked for help and you couldn't even respond to her text. Wow, you're just a real special person aren't you.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who was the DIL. She had a toddler and was pregnant with her second child and her husband went on a manic drug spree. He was in and out of rehab before he married my friend. He lost his job, went through all their savings and bought a brand new car. My friend reached out to his parents and they actually blamed her! They thought she was spending too much. The parents ignored them and they eventually had to sell their house to pay for the $150k he bought and the hundreds of thousands he spent in a short few months. He eventually agreed to go to therapy, family counseling and went to rehab. I think the parents paid for it. They seem stable now but it took the birth of a baby. The parents realized they had to help for the baby.