Unintended pregnancy + consequences?

[Anonymous]

This doesn't seem to be as common here as it is in other regions of the country, but have any of you experienced an unintended pregnancy? What did you do, and how did your life turn out?

I got pregnant my senior year at GW; I was communications program and had nearly a full ride to the school (through its Presidential Academic Scholars program and very generous grants from the school). I stupidly dropped out of school with only two semesters left and didn't try to return until I was in my mid-20s. The school understandably refused to reinstate my scholarship, so I gave up again and went to work full-time to support DC. I've done pretty well for myself. I crawled my way up from temporary receptionist to senior account executive at a wonderful advertising agency (they didn't care about my lack of education, oddly enough). Basically, I have the career I always planned on having even before getting pregnant and dropping out of school. Still, when I see my coworkers talk about their college degrees and experiences, I question the choices I've made.

Have any of you been in similar situations? What did you do? Do you have any regrets?

[Anonymous]

I got pregnant my sophomore year of college at an Ivy. I kept the baby, married my high school sweetheart, finished college. My husband joined the Marine Corps, got his JD. I returned to my faith while he was in law school. Now we have 8 children, whom I homeschool, and tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary.

I regret many things, because I see the consequences even seemingly small sins have. But I thank God for the many graces He has shown me, for forgiveness and love and redemption.

OP, I am so proud of you. I have several friends who dropped out of college due to unintended pregnancies, and they are brilliant, well-read, fascinating, STRONG women. Everything you are today is a gift, every experience an essential part of you. Think of all you gained by going the way you did.

And that is not just your child, who has a whole life to live. I mean YOU. You gained so much. Think about it.

I could ramble on, but I need to sneak in my exercise before all the kids wake up. God bless you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think everyone questions their choices at some point in life, but you ended up doing wonderfully and have set an example of high achievement and persistence for your child.

My stepsister, who had finished high school and was just working in a low paying, low skill job, had an unexpected pregnancy at 19. Kept the baby, ditched the father, returned in early 20s to community college while living with her dad (who was dating my mom at the time), transferred to a university of california school, finished top of her class, got into a phd program in molecular biology with a full ride at the same school, met an astronomy professor while she was finishing her degree, they got married and had two more children in her late 30s and she works part time teaching and doing research. Part of her success came from family support--her dad helped her tremendously with raising her firstborn, both financially and babysitting, etc, so she could be in school, but a lot came from within. All her children are lovely, well adjusted, successful kids and the oldest is a fabulous older brother/uncle to the younger ones. They have a great life--two academics with flexible schedules and a wide variety of interests. Like you she defied the stereotype of the pregnant young mom. She said that she never once regretted having her first, but she was aware at times of the price that she paid (very little dating, experimentation, travel, etc in her 20s). At the same time, she says that without a baby to care for, she probably would have floated around for a long time, instead of getting serious like she did.

[Anonymous]

OP, congrats, you did the right thing.
I only wish that we could find a way to support women through college WITH the pregnancy and child.
We aren't as supportive of women as we think.
You got promoted because you are a good worker.

[Anonymous]

My unintended pregnancy is definitely different from yours! I got pregnant at 35. Had always wanted kids, but never met the right guy at the right time. The kicker was that the guy who got me pregnant probably would have fit that description (right guy, right time), but the pregnancy broke us up - it was just too much of a shock too early in the relationship. I ended up having the baby, feeling like I'd regret it if I gave up my chance to have a kid. I love my daughter like crazy and I love being her mom. I do miss my old life, though. My life has changed a lot. I don't really date anymore (no time/energy) and my social life has taken an enormous hit, and my career is pretty stalled out. It's annoying to build a career (including getting a masters) and have to just put it all on hold for a kid, not knowing if you'll ever get back on track. My confidence is definitely shaken - it's hard to have a certain image of yourself and a certain lifestyle and then have to completely recreate and rethink everything. (and let's face it, most people wouldn't choose "single mom" over "married mom." there are a lot of disadvantages.)

I don't regret having my daughter, but if someone offered me the do-over of never getting pregnant at all, I'm not sure I'd refuse it.

[Anonymous]

Please do not flame, but I once read that young women who have children out of wdlock actually have HIGHER than average lifetime earnings. It seems that the child kicks them into maturity that they would never have expected. They leave their pers behind and grow up, start working, take jobs seriously, perform well and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do not flame, but I once read that young women who have children out of wdlock actually have HIGHER than average lifetime earnings. It seems that the child kicks them into maturity that they would never have expected. They leave their pers behind and grow up, start working, take jobs seriously, perform well and so on.

I would like to see a reference for this one. I seriously doubt that this is true.

[Anonymous]

To the OP,

I think it's great that you've turned a tough situation into a successful life. I bet there were a lot of times where you could have gone down a bad path. So good for you!

I think you should try (at some point) to get those last classes done and get the degree. It's not that you need it for your job, but you need it for yourself. It's something you wanted and clearly, you were/are pretty smart. You valued education back then and you still value it... that's why it bugs you that you don't have the degree.

I had a friend who was one of the top homicide detectives in DC (still is, probably). He was a hard worker, but never went to college b/c he was not an academic kind of kid in high school. Even though he had a great job, respect of lawyers/judges/other cops, he always said he wished he had a degree and when he retired he wanted to get a history degree.

I think you should look into the possibility of finishing that degree for your own sense of accomplishment. you go girl!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please do not flame, but I once read that young women who have children out of wdlock actually have HIGHER than average lifetime earnings. It seems that the child kicks them into maturity that they would never have expected. They leave their pers behind and grow up, start working, take jobs seriously, perform well and so on.

I would like to see a reference for this one. I seriously doubt that this is true.

I'd be curious to see where you read that since all the research indicates poverty rates are higher for kids born out of wedlock - in fact, it's even something conservatives and liberals agree on. Try googling 'poverty and out of wedlock' and see what comes up.

[Anonymous]

I find that statistic sketchy as well. You'd think it would cause MORE poverty, not less.

I was pregnant ten years ago at an "elite" residential liberal arts college. Honestly, it was out of pure irresponsibility. I was given the prescription for the pill but I would take two at a time, or a whole day. I think I was in the middle of my junior year. I didn't drop out of school, but I was essentially forced out. The residence life department kicked me out of housing and the financial aid office took away my funding due to not living on-campus. The father disappeared before my son was even born.

I took a $27,000 "coordinator" job at Boston University and finished my degree over the next five years. BU was very supportive and allowed me to take classes during my lunchtime. Childcare costs were horrible in Boston, and I graduated at the embarrassingly old age of 27. I think my coworkers were a bit mystified by my decision. Privately, my work-study students told me that they would have had an abortion if they had been in my situation.

I still feel a bit envious when I see people from my former college, but given the circumstances, I'm also grateful for the opportunities I did have despite my poor decision-making. I've learned to be a more responsible person, far more than my 21 year old irresponsible self. The pregnancy itself is tough to say - I do not regret my son, I just wish I had him AFTER graduating!

[Anonymous]

I think out-of-wedlock mothers in their 30s may make more money than younger married mothers, but this is definitely not true for the younger set.

An observation: my friends who got pregnant at my college seemed to do fine. Most married their boyfriends, though one stayed a single mom and married another man later on in life. All found steady employment sooner or later.

My high school friends who got pregnant in their early late teens or 20s are not doing well. Most work in fast food/retail and cannot pay their bills. Some are onto their fourth or fifth children with several different men. No judgment here, I was just surprised to see the difference between them and my college friends who got pregnant at the same age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that statistic sketchy as well. You'd think it would cause MORE poverty, not less.

I was pregnant ten years ago at an "elite" residential liberal arts college. Honestly, it was out of pure irresponsibility. I was given the prescription for the pill but I would take two at a time, or a whole day. I think I was in the middle of my junior year. I didn't drop out of school, but I was essentially forced out. The residence life department kicked me out of housing and the financial aid office took away my funding due to not living on-campus. The father disappeared before my son was even born.

I took a $27,000 "coordinator" job at Boston University and finished my degree over the next five years. BU was very supportive and allowed me to take classes during my lunchtime. Childcare costs were horrible in Boston, and I graduated at the embarrassingly old age of 27. I think my coworkers were a bit mystified by my decision. Privately, my work-study students told me that they would have had an abortion if they had been in my situation.

I still feel a bit envious when I see people from my former college, but given the circumstances, I'm also grateful for the opportunities I did have despite my poor decision-making. I've learned to be a more responsible person, far more than my 21 year old irresponsible self. The pregnancy itself is tough to say - I do not regret my son, I just wish I had him AFTER graduating!

Go Terriers! My Alma Mater. Love them.

[Anonymous]

PP here - loved BU as well! My DS and I were eligible for fabulous staff housing in one of their beautiful brownstones for around $1000 a month. I would have been in serious trouble without BU.

[Anonymous]

surprise honeymoon baby here against all odds (diagnosed with infertility since teen years).

there's no way on earth I'd change what we did.

I was 30 in the middle of a career change (from education to health care) and I dropped school in the last semester.

I never questioned my decision. I was raised by a WOH mom and dad. both were going to grad school while me and my brother were in elementary school.

I love them to pieces, I know they believe they did what was best for us (we went to private schools all the way till college - top 5 in our country) and I'm so proud of them for that.

Buuuuuuuut, that's not what I have in mind for my LO. DH keeps asking me when I'm going back to school (his family is very education oriented) and I told them as soon as our LO is ready to attend school full time.

If DC is home I want to be there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Privately, my work-study students told me that they would have had an abortion if they had been in my situation.

The same thing happened to me. They would touch my tummy, even rub it, and say "I would have aborted that."

Some of my classmates complained to the dean that they should not have to go to class with a pregnant classmate, and after she was born, with a nursing mother. The whole "I'm not paying $40K to see that in my classes.". And one of my TAs gave me a B for the course when I aced the exam (objectively so), because it "wasn't fair" that I got to take the exam late (I missed finals because of my shotgun wedding).

But some of my professors, God bless them, were wonderfully kind, even though they thought I was nuts.

I went in to write a 700 page senior thesis and graduate at the top of my class, but I wish I had just spent that time with my daughter. I just wanted to prove I was still smart, I guess, and that was really dumb . Youth is wasted on the young...