Overwhelmed by ADHD diagnosis

[Anonymous]

DS just received an ADHD diagnosis, and I find myself completely overwhelmed by it all. The doctor recommended medication, which we agree with, but also wants DH and I to go 2-3x/month for a while to see someone who specializes in parental support/practical tips for parents of ADHD kids. I agree that this sounds great, but realistically, we both work and have another child as well, and I don't see how this is all going to be realistically feasible. Plus there are books to read and all these strategies to implement, and I feel like I just can't do it and want to throw up my hands, give up, and crawl into a corner.

A separate issue is that while I understand the biological roots of ADHD, and intellectually understand that this is nothing to be ashamed of and that lots of kids nowadays have ADHD, nonetheless, on an emotional level, deep down I can't help feeling like this is something shameful and both societally stigmatized and individually stigmatizing. (Advance caveat: It will be entirely unhelpful, not to mention unkind and unnecessary, for anyone to berate me for these feelings, or comment on how this doesn't help our child, yada yada. I certainly am not happy about these involuntary feelings and would love to banish them.)

Any supportive, constructive "BTDT"s from people who have been down this road would be most appreciated; TIA.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Can I ask who the doc recommended that you see for parental support? We could use it!

It seems more overwhelming but in time the diagnosis will make life a lot more manageable and easier to understand. Take things step by step. That will also be less overwhelming to your child. Ask the doc or therapist/coach to help you prioritize.

I have heard that CHAAD does parent to parent education online, maybe Skype. Perhaps something like that might suit your schedule better.

One other thing, once my child was diagnosed, I was too. If it all continues to seem overwhelming after a period to adjust, it might be something to consider. There is a very strong genetic component.

[Anonymous]

No lectures here, just an "I get it." On all counts. My advice is to not put so much immediate burden on yourself. You don't have to do it all at once. Coming to grips with this diagnosis with my son is something that has been a work in progress for me for the past 2.5 years. It IS overwhelming, so just do some triage and decide what really needs to be handled right away, and then sketch out a longer term plan and implement in stages.

What is the most pressing fire that needs to be put out, from your perspective. Are there behavioral issues at home? Is school suffering? Is your son depressed or anxious? Is it the morning routine? Sibling issues? Give us some feedback and the peanut gallery will be most helpful!

[Anonymous]

I would start with some reading. I know you mentioned that it was overwhelming you but it can help with the perspective part. Also keep in mind since this is a lifetime issue, you have a lifetime to figure it ou. A couple of pieces that have helped me grapple with the scope of what I need adjust to and wrap my head around:

We've got issues by Judith Warner
Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder Edward M. Hallowell (Author) (Author), John J. Ratey (Author)
Buzz A Year of Paying Attention by Katherine Ellison

[Anonymous]

I talked to the head of an ADHD NoVa group which really helped. She's very supportive and can help you filter through the huge amount of Things To Do and Learn list. It's also great to just have someone put everything in perspective.

www.adhdnova.org

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the group! I think you'll find it much more supportive and understanding than many other forums here - I don't think anyone here would berate you for having the feelings you have right now. Of all people, we understand what you're going through and what you're feeling is completely normal. Take heart, you won't always feel the way you do right now.

I agree with the PPs that you don't have to do everything at once. This is a learning process for everyone. I liked the advice to identify the biggest challenges you have right now and focus on addressing them first. For me, the first thing I had to learn was to let things go - really let them go and not feel bad about them. My kids don't get bathed every day, my house isn't as clean as I want or as tidy and we could certainly do better on meals. But, everyone is well kept, we're not living in a sty and the kids are healthy. I'm focusing on what our 'needs' are, not my preferences on how things should be.

Probably the most important thing, though, it to make sure you take care of yourself and to nurture your relationship with your DH. You MUST make time for that. It is not a preference, it is not a want, it is a NEED. That includes taking time to recharge, do something for yourself, get yourself to your happy place on a regular basis. Even if you have to let something else go, you MUST take care of yourself first.

I also agree with the PPs that if you tell us what your immediate needs are, we can likely help steer you in the right direction. Let us know your need, your DC's age and your general location. This forum is a fabulous resource and I'm touched by how supportive total strangers are and how willing they are to help. Welcome.

[Anonymous]

I have two boys with ADHD - one diagnosed two years ago and the other diagnosed a few months ago. I have not gone for any parent support or joined any groups. Like you, we both work and oyr ADHD kids are not our only ones. I don't know where I'd fit it in.

What I have found to be helpful is the network of special needs parents at our local public school. I also have a network of friends whose kids have ADHD. It's helpful because when I have questions or problems, people in the same boat can share what worked for them. Withe the school group, we share our knowledge and experience with the resources and accommodations available. Or sometimes we simply commisserate. Also, it's helpful because of the stigma factor - you feel less of a sitgma when you know a lot of people who have the same condition. This forum is also helpful - at least when it's not visited by snarky posters.

As for the stigma, I so get it. I had the hardest time even talking about it for awhile. And, I'm not alone. Often parents will come up to me and quietly ask me what made me decide to go for medication for my kids - like medication is some sort of hush hush issue. But, I think there are good reasons we all feel this way. Just think about how often you see on these forums about the overdiagnosis of ADHD and overmedication of kids, especially boys. I don't happen to believe this, but it is the perception of many and they feel quite free to share their opinions with those of us who have kids who really suffer the effects of this condition.

I agree with the others who say relax and take things slowly. The diagnosis came at a good time because you have the whole summer to work on getting the right medication and the right dosage before the demands of school start.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the advice to take it slow. We had to learn not to try to solve things but just to figure out how to manage them better. I do think counseling would be helpful though - I could have used it, especially in the first year.

On the bright side my ADHD and LD kid is off to college this fall. So the time you put in now really does pay off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the advice to take it slow. We had to learn not to try to solve things but just to figure out how to manage them better. I do think counseling would be helpful though - I could have used it, especially in the first year.

On the bright side my ADHD and LD kid is off to college this fall. So the time you put in now really does pay off.

My DS has ADHD. One thing I always tell myself is that this is the same child that I carried home from the hospital nearly 8 years ago. I just know more about him now. I agree to take this slowly and focus on one thing at a time.

[Anonymous]

OP, the other posters have already provided the great advice of go slow and go easy on yourself. Just wanted to send a hug your way ... not nearly as much has changed in your life as it seems right now. Your child is still your lovely child and you now have a lot more information on how to best support that child. ADHD doesn't just "go away" so you have lots of time to learn and select the best strategies ... that is sort of good news and less-than-good news all rolled into one. Our family is four years into this "adventure" and I still have bad days where I feel exactly the things you express. But those days are fewer and fewer and I recover myself faster than I used to do.

Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

You're not alone and the take a breath and go step by step is helpful. You won't and can't figure it out all at once. Re the doctor's recommendation for therapy for all of you, I can say it can be immensely helpful. We actually did in-home therapy for all of us through the Kellar Center in Ffx (two evenings a week for about 6 months) and it was a very worthwhile investment of time and money. Prior to this, we all felt, well, "out of control" and things were not good. The other worthwhile thing that others have mentioned is CHADD. Did a parent-to-parent training and even though I "knew" a decent amount before (DS had been DX'd about a year-plus at that point), I still learned a ton and got some additional tools and a much better understanding of things. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP - Perhaps work with your doctor on a tailored list of prioritites and strategies. The reality is that everyone has limited time and resources, so you triage things.
Also, kids only tolerate so many interventions at once. Just because you can't do everything all at once does not mean you aren't doing something.

[Anonymous]

OP here--thanks to all, I appreciate it all. I guess our priorities right now would be behavioral issues at home and general impulsivity. (We're in Bethesda, if anyone has any local recs for anything.) DC is 8. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

PP here. OP, with the behavioral issues and impulsivity, I would bet that once you get medication stabilized, it will be much easier to deal with these issues. In fact, they may all but go away.

[Anonymous]

you will NEVER be berated here! unless of course, you're the "be-rater".

My 8 yr old DS has ADHD, along with a learning disability - auditory processing. We fought medication for about a year and it was a bad decision. My son could not learn without it.

All I can say is take it one day at a time. You will get past the shock and sadness, you'll find the right doctor, medication, books, support groups, teachers etc. It does fall into place, I promise. And once it does, you'll look back and wonder why you were so worried and upset.

One bit of advice - do not share with your decision on whether or not to medicate with family and friends who are unsympathetic. Many bozos out there still believe that ADHD is a behavioral problem that is solved with discipline, time out, withholding recess. their comments will hurt your feelings, so just keep it to yourself and share with us.