Chores for Elementary School Age Kids?

[Anonymous]

My DH & I have a huge disconnect on this....he thinks the 7 & 9 yr old are "too young" for chores.....so this means:

they have never made a bed
they take off their clothes and they remain on the floor of the bathroom/their bedroom
they don't hang up their clothes or put clean clothes in drawers
no mealtime help - never set a table, don't clear off dishes
they do nothing....


is this the "norm"? At the age of 9 I was doing all these things and also washing a bathroom every Sat - the floor. toliet, sink, mirrors, etc.

I am annoyed by all this......am I expecting too much to have them do the chores listed above?

I am their future stepmom and this is really making me question whether or not I want to be a maid to kids who have nothing expected of them? I am already raising my DS at 4 to put away dirty clothes, pick up his room before bed, etc.

Any suggestions would be appreciated!!

[Anonymous]

I'm confused about your relationship--you're their "future stepmom" but he is your current DH? Are they planning to move in soon? If he's your DH, you're already the stepmom... or is he future DH as well?

Either way, I think the important thing is for you to build your relationship with them as a stepmom first. I think they should be doing some chores, but is that how you really want to start out your relationship? Build the goodwill, then introduce chores by asking them to "help" while you do some chores together--fold laundry, set the table, cook dinner, etc, and make it enjoyable (and thank them profusely). You don't want to be a maid, true, but if they have never done chores--and their dad seems to think they're too young to--then forcing them to work right away may make them feel like the maids.

If they are reluctant to do chores, it's not that they are lazy... it's just never been expected of them. You may have a right to be annoyed--but just not at the children.

[Anonymous]

7 and 9 are NOT too young to do chores. Not sure what your child versus DH versus future step-mom all means (are you married yet? Is this your child together? Are you just gaining custody of your stepkids?) Answers to those questions will help define different scenarios.

I do think this is something that needs to be resolved before all the individuals involved are all in one household, otherwise it could bring lots of stress and unhappiness to the marriage and the blended family.

[Anonymous]

OP here - sorry - he is not my DH yet - we are engaged.

[Anonymous]

Wee FWIW, my 9 year old can not only put her clothes in the hamper, she also does her own laundry, folds and puts them away! Not every time and not always without complaining of course.

7 and 9 are plenty old enough for those chores, but it sounds like you and your fiancee need to have a talk about expectations for your household and how things will go.

[Anonymous]

Oops, should have been "well" not "wee" LOL!!! Darn iPhone!

[Anonymous]

6 year old here. Her chores: makes bed (does her best then we finish it), puts all clothes in hamper, cleans her own bathroom (again, not great but wipes basin and counter, puts away hair brushes, etc), clears table, unloads silverware and glasses from the dishwasher, feeds cats, gets newspaper and mail when asked. They are NOT too young at all. That's ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom with a 9 year old and here are his chores. They don't always get done :/, but this is the list:

Clean your room and help pick up the house on Saturday (clothes all over the floor 'til then is OK with me as long as there's a path...my room looks the same, honestly). Take out trash and recycling. Feed and water the bunny and change her litter pan. Yard work as assigned gets you some extra cash. Table clearing as asked.

You're on the right track to sit down before you blend the household and sort this out.

[Anonymous]

My three year old does all of the stuff you list. Not that she's great at bed making or that her drawers are neat when she puts her clean clothes away, but she does it.

By age 7 and 9, my older kids were taking the trash and recycling out and to the curb. They carried dirty laundry from the second floor to the laundry room and carried the clean clothes back upstairs (which is a two person job at that age because I fold downstairs so they can't tip it over). They helped rake leaves and cleaned up the backyard after the dogs. They feed the dogs. They helped with watering plants and feeding the birds (which might not exactly be a chore). Now that my oldest is 12, we're working on teaching him to mow the lawn. I am also working on teaching them to cook (and to clean up after themselves when they are done).

Good luck, OP. Not only would it drive me crazy to pick up after older kids, but there is so much to teach them about running a house and being independent that I wouldn't want to wait until they get older. Personally, I don't think it's about what chores a kid has, but that they have them and are being taught to be independent. I sort of feel behind about teaching mine to cook, but we're getting there.

[Anonymous]

Ugh OP, how much of the time will they be living with you?

I think the trick, OP, is that YOU not get involved. That means you don't make the rules, you don't enforce them, and you don't step in to clean up after them. Let your DH deal with ALL of this.

[Anonymous]

Our 5 and 6 year olds have it engrained in them to bring their own dishes to the kitchen when finished eating. So much so, that when we've gone out to eat at restaurants, that when they finish eating, they stand up and try to carry their plates someplace. They also are required to pick up their clothes every day, pick up their toys before the cleaning ladies come, and occasionally put away their laundry (when asked).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh OP, how much of the time will they be living with you?

I think the trick, OP, is that YOU not get involved. That means you don't make the rules, you don't enforce them, and you don't step in to clean up after them. Let your DH deal with ALL of this.

I agree except that the challenge will be messes in the common areas. Stepchildren leave crumbs, empty plate and glasses on the coffee table when they're done watching tv and eating after school snack. Does she a. ask them to clean it up; b. do it herself; c. leave the mess there daily until DH gets home.

As a stepmom myself, she definitely doesn't want to immediately step in and become the dreaded evil stepmother. OTOH, she and DH will need to resolve this quickly between the two of them. Making beds, cleaning rooms, totally agree to stay out of it, but it's the stuff that will impact the whole family that will be an issue.

[Anonymous]

OP here, we have all 3 of the kids all of the time - we are all under one roof 100% of the time (long stories there).

I am just now finding out how tough blending a family will be. STB DH thinks the kids are well behaved, smart, kind so the chore stuff does not really matter. I think chores are essential in trying to raise responsible kids who are less spoiled. And I don't really want 2 sets of rules in the house...but I will raise my own biological child with these values even if my step-children are not doing chores. But it is going to be tough. I do have a good relationship with my STB step-children. Just not sure how long that will last once I start asking for some help around the house...

I know this is an adjustment for everyone so I am trying to be patient. I really appreciate hearing from other stepmoms - thank you.

I feel like I have 2 choices - evil step-mom who comes with a chore list or deeply resentful step-mom who will do it all, but will be seething. Starting to wonder if being a single parent may have been easier.

[Anonymous]

Your DH really needs to get on board with making these kids take some responsibility for helping out. You cannot do this without his support, and ultimately it is a disservice to these children to teach them that they are entitled to be waited on by you and/or their father.

IMO, it's totally unacceptable for a 9-yr old never to have cleared his/her place at the dinner table or never to have made a bed. My older kids (10, 9, 6) do all of the things you listed. I am not their servant. They are required to show respect for their home and belongings by taking care of them and to participate in some of the work that goes into mealtimes, laundry, etc. The only person in our house who does nothing to pitch in is my 6-month old!

Working together, even on something as simple as getting dinner on the table and then cleaned up, will make everyone feel more like a team -- and more like a family.

[Anonymous]

11:08 here--I cautioned against blaming the kids for this because, well, *I* had an evil stepmom as a kid, and I always felt like I was blamed for things that were not my fault. And looking back, I totally was--this is just the kind of thing my stepmom would have come down on me about. Maybe I'm projecting a bit...

Of course, at 7 and 9, I would say they should be doing chores. Help DH see that chores are a GOOD thing for kids (there has to be research out there...) Cleaning up after themselves and pitching in helps them gain self-confidence and be part of the family team (as PP said above). It's not about making things easier for you, it's about them learning to take care of themselves. If you explain this to DH, he might agree with you.

Having different rules for the kids should not be an option if they are there 100% of the time. They are all "your" (plural--DH and yourself) kids, even if you are stepmom. Blended families ARE tough, but keep in mind that the kids are the ones that did not ask for any of it, and are the most affected by it.