My husband says I am selfish and lack values...

[Anonymous]

I have two issues here. I have been married about 1 1/2 years. I haven't changed my name and he really wants me to and says that we are really not a family until I do.... I would really like to keep my name as my parents had two girls and my Dad is the last one alive in his family so there isn't anyone to carry on the family name. Is that wrong of me? I don't mind taking his name as my middle name.

Second, we have a joint and seperate accounts. One to pay joint bills (as in utilities/mortgage/food) and then seperate accounts to pay for our own stuff. I like the idea of having some of my own money but I don't like the fact of having to buy my own car, pay school loan, pay for my braces myself, etc. Similarly if my husband wants to go back to school, start a business, etc he feels he doesn't have to consult me because it is "his" money. Why is it not our money. I am talking big stuff here not a pair of pumps! He feels like I just want him to pay off my debt but what I am saying is that marriage is about "we" not "me". We were having a phone conversation and I was telling him how I felt about changing my name and I brought up his views on money and this was his response to me.... BTW most of this "debt " he is reffering was incurred AFTER marriage. Help me out ladies, I am really offended by this and don't know how to respond. Don't know what he is talking about "selling" my name.

LOL...So, now your selling your name. Your last name for you debt. Yeah, that sounds fair. I would never ask you to take my debt but that has all to do with values. You made commitments and you need to take care of them. Your school/car/credit is your commitment made without my input and so you need to pay it. It's like me asking you to pay for all of things that I have paid in the past. Your commitment to marry me was also your commitment to change your name. Your selfishness blinds your judgement sometimes. I would NEVER EVER ask someone to pay for my commitments.


How did I suddenly become selfish and what is wrong with my values?? I feel if he wanted to go back to school "we" should pay for it. If we need a new car "we" should have to pay for it, etc. -ugh

[Anonymous]

yikes, to me sounds like HE is the one who is selfish and lacks values. what an awful thing to say to you!

[Anonymous]

I am with on the name. Do not change it if you do not want to, but I also think that you want to have your cake and eat it too. If you want to keep separate accounts then you cannot expect him to pay for your personal expenses on which he had no input. BTW, I do not think that this mean that you lack values, selfish, maybe (at least as the money goes).

Good luck

[Anonymous]

So, you can do things like start a business without consulting each other simply because the money is separate? It isn't the money.

You, two aren't integrated like married folk are supposed to be.

I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

How about a new last name like the mayor of LA (Antonio Villaraigosa - I believe it's a combination of his and her last name). Or he could just take your last name.

[Anonymous]

If you want to keep separate accounts then you cannot expect him to pay for your personal expenses on which he had no input.

I disagree. I think the idea of a joint account to pay household expenses and separate accounts to pay for fun personal things is perfectly fine and makes a lot of sense. The problem comes because it sounds like OP and her husband do not agree on what counts as a household expense and what is personal. Personally -- and it sounds like OP agrees but her husband doesn't -- I'd think that student loans and each person's car payment should be considered as much a household expense as the mortgage and utilities. Yes, student loans are a personal debt, but they are much more significant (and more helpful to the household as a whole) than, say, a new pair of shoes. The car payment especially seems unreasonable -- so if you and your husband have wildly disparate incomes, he could buy himself a new luxury sedan and pay for it while you struggle to afford, say, a used compact? This seems unfair. It does not sound like your husband respects you as his equal, something that is further reflected in his unwillingness to compromise on your last name. I would be livid if my husband told me that he felt like he could make an enormous investment -- such as into grad school or a new business -- without consulting me because it's "his" money. It does not sound like your husband respects you as his equal, nor does it sound like he puts much emphasis on your marriage.

If I were you, I would not want to change my name either, particularly now. These are significant issues for so early on in your marriage and, not to sound too dire, I would be concerned for the future of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

It is 100% okay for you to want to keep your name. It is 100% okay for your husband to have feelings about your decision. It is 100% okay for couples to handle money in whatever way works for them - as long as the understanding is mutual.

The problem here really doesn't sound like it's about money or a name-change. It's about your apparent disdain for one another and mutual lack of respect. And that's a BIG problem. Research has shown that one of the greatest predictors of marital failure is the presence of disdain in the communication patterns of the couple.

[Anonymous]

i think that keeping separate accounts is asking for trouble particularly if you don't agree on what are personal and what are mutual expenses. i personally think everything becomes mutual once you get married and it is symbolic of that total trust and partnership in tackling issues, or bills, together. why keep separate accounts? so you don'th ave to consult your spouse when you want to buy something? why would you have to consult if it wasn't so significant anyway? you could do that with a joint account. if he wants you to pay off your debt all on your own, it doesn't sound like a partnership to me. you shouldn't want to unload it on him, but he shouldn't want nothing to do with it either.

as for the last name, it seems that it is something that is very important to him. whether you want to keep your name or not, you have to at least show understanding for why it's important to him and make sure he knows your keeping your name has nothing to do with your lack of commitment to him. assuming that is the case.

[Anonymous]

I have no clue why it's so important to him that you change YOUR name. I would never change my name - not to Gates, not to Kennedy (when John John was with us!), not to Pitt or Clooney. It's MY name and I will do with it what I please. In fact, I don't even like the tradition of the kids being named after the father, but that's another issue...

Did you talk about money before you got married? Did you talk about the name thing before you got married? I'm just shocked that most of this would be a surprise, especially since you work (I know things can get hairy once moms SAH). Have you been together long?

Money is the #1 cause of divorce - and it's never actually about money. It's about control, power, values, commitment to the family, problem solving and communication. He obviously has issues with you and your intent of marriage (does he have more money than you? does he think you "owe" him something?)

I'd really recommend a counselor ASAP. This will not turn out well on its own.

[Anonymous]

I would certainly not change my name! His argument is ludicrous.

As for separate accounts, I think that is a great idea if divorce might be on the cards. If you are committed till death do us part, however, it may just lead to a lot of unnecessary arguments about what is a household expense vs. what is a personal one. But I certainly agree with a pp who said that whatever works for each couple is the way to go. Unfortunately it seems you need to find some common ground on these issues...money issues can be sorted but lack of respect and communication is a deeper issue.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all your thoughts and advice. I communicated well before we got married that I had no intention of changing my name. It honestly has nothing to do with him. I can respect that it is important to him but I don't feel I should have to give in. As far as the money goes going into the marriage we both had cars that were paid off, I got into and accident and my car was a loss. I naturally assumed that we would pick another car out and it would be ours. He wanted nothing to do with it and said it wasn't his problem and he didn't want a car payment and I was on my own to buy one with my own money. I needed braces, I am paying for those, I pay my car insurance, my own cell phone, etc. These are things I think should be joint. I also believe that we should each get the same amount of "spending money" to do what we want with ie: new pumps. At the end of the day I think the way we are handling finances is hurting our relationship. I can afford to pay for all of these things on my own but that is not the point. I don't think it should be his right to decide he wants to spend 100k on grad school because it is "his" money. It will have an overall impact on the family unit to not have those funds available should something happen. On the same token I would give up things to help fund his ambitions. If he were to go back to school I would expect "we" would pay for it. Bottom line the decision should be ours.

Our communication is definitely lacking and yes I feel like he is controlling and does not respect me in general. I have tried to push counseling but he thinks I am the one with the problems and he doesn't need it. We obviously have deeper issues here. I am not the best communicator so I am at a loss to how to work through this.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. It does sounds like you are seeing things clearly right now, even if you haven't found a path toward a solution.


I suggest you get counseling on your own. You need some help toward sorting things through and learning tools to communicate better.

[Anonymous]

I used to believe that it was best for a woman to have her own acct.-the name thing-personally-a family has a family name and I believe in a name change. Back to the money issue-it's a trust issue also. And it's a chore to take care of finances. Not to mention-if you have a saver and a spender-someone needs to have this "chore" and it should be the saver. In our family-my husband is the saver, I'm the spender-which I'm not very proud of-and I am more than grateful to have him manage the finances. If he weren't the money manager-we'd be in debt, have a mortgage, charge our vacations-charge EVERYTHING. Who wants to live like that? One day-it will catch up with you and it always does. 2 savers might have a power struggle, but at least they have the same relationship with money. 2 spenders=disaster. It's perfectly fine for 2 people to have one acct-and have only one person manage that acct.-if there is trust and knowing oneself. Marriage is all about trust-in all aspects of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Dave Ramsey!

[Anonymous]

I personally think men who want you to change your name are insecure. They somehow think that it is a judgement on their lack of control if you do not change your name. Anyway, I think this is totally separte and in some ways unrelated to the money issue.

My husband and I have separate accounts because that is what we had when we got married. Sure it is a bit ridiculous sometimes, but we both contribute to savings and never think twice about it. I have debt from grad school, we have a mortgage which I paid out of my account until I quit a horrible job just before we had our second. So I guess I see the money thing like this - if you or he had expenses you couldn't manage on your own, would you just let the other fail to make those payments and be reported to a credit agency? Doesn't that impact the two of you together? When you marry someone you marry their debt, too. I'm not saying he MUST pay it, but I am saying that there is an implicit understanding that you will share these responsibilities.

I basically think your husband has some issues. I mean, who cares about this stuff - names, joint accounts? My husband and I just kept the status quo after we got married, in large part because we were too lazy to do anything else, and that is just fine with us.