Vent/Rant: Unhappy about TTC again after a break

[Anonymous]

So, just need to vent a little. We're CD1 again after a year-long break from TTC and frankly, I'm a little bitter about having to go back to being a slave to my biology. Even though I was 40 at the time we stopped TTC, it had been two rough years of trying and four miscarriages. Last time I got pg was three months in to a new job (surprise!) and it was just the wrong time to be pg. Of course, I miscarried. So, I just needed a break. And the break was GLORIOUS! No counting, no more 2WW, and no more miscarriages. And it took the full year, but I'm almost back into the clothes I wore before we started down this road. I finally feel normal again.

But, I'm 41 now and it's now or never. My numbers are still decent and my RE got rid of some uterine scarring that could have been a source of the problems. DH is desperate to try again. I feel better about it knowing that there actually was a diagnosable and correctable problem that's been taken care of, but I'm still just dreading this whole TTC process. I don't want to have another miscarriage. And I don't want to go back to counting and OPK'ing and trips to the doctor every three days. This time it's going to include shots too! (DH wants to do Clomid for reasons I can't fathom since we've never had a problem getting pregnant, it's staying pg that's the issue. WTF?) And it's only CD1 and already this whole TTC thing is messing with us - we had to cancel a trip this weekend so we could be here for CD3 testing on Sunday b/c AF came late this month. I know it is what it is, but I just don't want to go back to our whole lives revolving around my period again, and I don't want to get fat again, and I know none of this is going to work and we'll have shot my body to hell for nothing and I'll have to endure another miscarriage and it will be another two years before I feel normal again. F**********CK.

OK. Vent/Rant over. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

So sorry you have to go through this nightmare again. But listen to yourself, your body and your intuition. Back in March we decided to do one last IVF and like you, I could not bring myself to making that first call and going to baseline monitoring. I just felt it was useless and it's not going to work. I was right - the IVF did not work, the FET did not work and we are emotionally and financially drained. And by the way, there's nothing wrong with me, my husband's sperm is great now, the cycle went perfectly, the embryos looked great, but it didn't work. Therefore, I am a true believer that is something doesn't feel right, don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Consider yourself lucky that you can actually get pregnant on your own at age 40. Many of us women have no option other than IVF which is several shots everyday for 2 weeks, getting up at 5am to rush to the clinic to wait for an ultrasound and then worry about every single thing that the nurse or RE says. Not to mention that it costs a years worth of salary. And the chance of success isn't that great. So I hear ya, TTC sucks big time. But either you are committed to having a baby or you aren't. I think you are lucky that you can roll the dice by just BDing. I would love to be in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider yourself lucky that you can actually get pregnant on your own at age 40. Many of us women have no option other than IVF which is several shots everyday for 2 weeks, getting up at 5am to rush to the clinic to wait for an ultrasound and then worry about every single thing that the nurse or RE says. Not to mention that it costs a years worth of salary. And the chance of success isn't that great. So I hear ya, TTC sucks big time. But either you are committed to having a baby or you aren't. I think you are lucky that you can roll the dice by just BDing. I would love to be in your shoes.

Um, wow. NP here. The woman has had FOUR miscarriages. I have done 7 IVFs in my lifetime (some cancelled, some miscarriages, some BFN), and I still wouldn't have gone for the jugular on this one. Wow, so she can roll the dice and have a miscarriage. I think that's horrific -I think my shoes suck, but so do hers.

Something is seriously wrong with your thinking. When you are no longer empathetic, please don't come to a board for TTC support, and do that to another poster.

[Anonymous]

Clomid is a pill, not necessarily a shot.

[Anonymous]

Hi- just wanted to tell OP that if your husband wants to do clomid then there are no shots involved except for your trigger shot - clomid is oral. . .hope that eases the pain a little bit . ..

[Anonymous]

Amen, PP 13:38. I swear, I think sometimes people who reply to these threads don't even read the post. I would never make some kind of blithe comment like "consider yourself lucky!" to a woman who has had FOUR MISCARRIAGES. Can we not just extend a little sympathy before immediately making a person feel bad about themselves?

OP, I know you're probably just working some things out of your system. You said that your husband is desperate to try again but, it seems like you've really fought hard for some equilibrium. Maybe you can put a time limit on it all -- just say that you will try for another three months or 6 months, and leave it at that. Don't let yourself get sucked into doing more and more if you dn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Most of the over 40 successes I've seen are those women who are able to get pregnant but miscarried. The odds don't seem as good for those who have never been pregnant.

To be honest, I think your chances are just as good if you just try naturally every month, really making sure you have lots of sex in the days before you ovulate.

[Anonymous]

I love it when people compare their misery level. So sorry OP. IF sucks balls. The sacrifices we make for it with absolutely no guarantee of success and a high chance of emotional suffering make it all the more miserable. I feel your pain. Please feel free to vent anytime. There are at least a few of us that don't feel the need to compete on the pain-o-meter.

[Anonymous]

I have a counter to the earlier poster that said she felt really negatively about IVF and her FET and neither worked.

I felt TERRIBLE going into IVF trying for #2. #1 was not easy, but in retrospect, not necessarily hard because it only took one cycle of IVF. Conceiving #2 has been MUCH, MUCH harder and I freaking HATED it every step of the way. I had to do five cycles of IVF to get pregnant with #2 (in addition to 3 clomid cycles and 1 IUI and I was only 31-32 years old during all of this). I hated that it sucked my life away. I hated the needles. I hated the fear. I hated the not knowing.

But, I knew that I hated the idea of NOT having any more children more.

You have to decided when continuing to try and get pregnant SUCKS more than stopping. And, if you get to that point when continuing is worse, then maybe it is time to think about living child-free or adoption. I will say though, that adoption is not an easy path either, but at least you would regain control of your body.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a counter to the earlier poster that said she felt really negatively about IVF and her FET and neither worked.

I felt TERRIBLE going into IVF trying for #2. #1 was not easy, but in retrospect, not necessarily hard because it only took one cycle of IVF. Conceiving #2 has been MUCH, MUCH harder and I freaking HATED it every step of the way. I had to do five cycles of IVF to get pregnant with #2 (in addition to 3 clomid cycles and 1 IUI and I was only 31-32 years old during all of this). I hated that it sucked my life away. I hated the needles. I hated the fear. I hated the not knowing.

Of course, it was easier for you to keep trying because you already had one successful IVF under your belt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a counter to the earlier poster that said she felt really negatively about IVF and her FET and neither worked.

I felt TERRIBLE going into IVF trying for #2. #1 was not easy, but in retrospect, not necessarily hard because it only took one cycle of IVF. Conceiving #2 has been MUCH, MUCH harder and I freaking HATED it every step of the way. I had to do five cycles of IVF to get pregnant with #2 (in addition to 3 clomid cycles and 1 IUI and I was only 31-32 years old during all of this). I hated that it sucked my life away. I hated the needles. I hated the fear. I hated the not knowing.

Of course, it was easier for you to keep trying because you already had one successful IVF under your belt.

What is up with this nonsense? Yes, she had one IVF that worked. I believe her point was that she went into #2 feeling very pessimistic, and that it colored the process more so than the first one. She actually said #2 was harder for HER. She wasn't talking about statistics or previous successes -she was saying that #2 dragged on through many cycles and it wore on her. She's entitled to feel however she does about HER OWN EXPERIENCE.

Give up on the bitterness and give some support. That's what this board is supposed to be about.

[Anonymous]

I was just about to say the same thing. I think that sadness and anger is coloring the way we read posts. PP 14:19 said nothing about how this is "easy" or that the OP should "keep trying." She was clearly offering her understanding that ART is a hard road, and that it's okay to get to a point where you decide to step away and consider another path.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you OP. You're in a shitty place, no doubt. Perhaps the poster who suggested a time limit is onto something? But, ymmv. wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. You guys are awesome. It means a lot. So few people have any clue what this is like.

And for the record, I've actually had five miscarriages all together. The four in two years (starting at 38) and a blighted ovum 13 years ago when I was 28. No live births ever. And honestly, I don't think the odds are really with me considering how far back this miscarriage stuff goes.

I'd really like to step away and adopt. But, DH can't face adoption until we've tried the clomid. It's been very hard for him to let go of the dream of a bio child b/c we can get pg. He feels like we're "quitting" if we don't pursue ART. Whereas, if we could not get pg at all, then it wouldn't be as much of a choice to stop - if that makes sense. It wouldn't be me saying "I don't feel like it," which is kind of how he sees it now. He always thinks the next pg will stick so stopping really feels to him like giving up on something that could work. He's promised he'll be able to move on after we've done the clomid, but he also believes it will work so it's been an easy thing to say so far.