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Piggybacking friends
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Anonymous
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I have an unusual question. I have a friend who will piggyback on things we do with our kids. Which would be fine, except often she and HER friends often "cut in". That is, if there are X number of spaces, she and her friends will take the spots for themselves. Often times, there are no more spots for me - for example, if I try to register for a class just minutes later. To top it off, she actually acts surprised when I don't get into the class (for example)!!! WHAT???? I kind of feel like she's really just saying "f*ck you" to me and elbowing me and my kids out of the way. Another aspect of this: if it is a class, it is not even close to her house, but she does it anyway. WTF?
It has happened a few times. The first few times a gave her the benefit of the doubt. Now, I don't bother telling her. Has anyone ever seen this? It just seemed amazing to me as an adult to see this behavior so many times. I'm genuinely curious what would make someone do this? Is she spoiled? For now, I have learned the hard way to NOT tell her. Is she just using me? Am I being too nice? I thought friends were supposed to be nice? I'm confused. Thanks for any constructive input. |
Anonymous
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Okay, I'm trying to understand. You tell your friend "I'm signing up for swimming lessons at the JCC," and then the next day you call the JCC to sign up, only to find that the class is full -- and you determine that your friend (and all her friends) have signed up for all the spots. And this happens multiple times.
This seems somewhat farfetched to me. Are you all in 7th grade? |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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Instead of saying "I'm thinking of signing up Jackson for the 9 AM swim class at the Rec Center" you say "I SIGNED Jackson up for the 9 AM swim class" (AFTER you have signed up) or "I'm thinking of signing Jackson up for a class, but haven't decided what time yet. What time are you going for?" And then sign up for a different time than her.
Really, if there are limited sizes for a class that you absolutely want, don't tell anyone until you've gotten a spot. Because once you tell someone, its not like they are going to call you and say "have you signed up yet? I was about to, but was making sure you got a spot before I did." They'll pretty much ASSUME you either signed up already or decided not to do it. |
Anonymous
I suppose she is seeking recommended classes or activities, even if they are far from her house. And the minute you tell her of your plans, she hurries to sign up too, without thinking she could be "taking your spot" (which she isn't, you don't have dibs on any of them!). I would be surprised if she was doing this intentionally to spite you. She is just quicker than you 
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Anonymous
| Yea, quit bragging about all the stuff you put your kid in. Wait until after you have actually done it. That is how you work it. |
Anonymous
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Nope. Not bragging. Actually upset because we don't have the funds for many classes, maximum three per year. But thanks for the helpful post.
So she has the wherewith all (sp?) to tell everyone else to sign up but not the wherewith all to be considerate? It sounds nasty to me, is all. |
Anonymous
Not bragging, I agree. Just stop telling her stuff - easy fix. If you cant stop yourself from sharing the info tell her after you've had the first class. |
Anonymous
| OP, I get why that would bug you, but I don't get what you expect your friend to do. If you tell her about some activity that sounds good to her, and she wants to share it with some other friends, that's not really an act of aggression towards you. It's copying your good idea. I agree with PPs that you should just keep your plans secret until you're sure you've got a spot. |
Anonymous
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I'm confused. Why are you waiting to sign up so that she always beats you? I don't mean that in a snarky way -I mean the classes around here fill up quickly, why not sign up right away? Or is it that you are thinking about it, mention it to her, and then she and her friend sign up? Or do you mean you literally go in to sign up 5 minutes after it opens up and it is full?
If this bothers you, stop telling her what you are doing until after you've signed up. For example, she asks, you say "I don't know, i'm still deciding." THen you wait until sign up day, you sign up and then immediately send her an e-mail with the info. I have done this and had other moms send me e-mails with the info (not to beat other moms, but because attempting to coordinate with other moms before sign-up usually means none of us end up in the class). Or - if you want your kids to be in a class with hers - maybe you can arrange a class WITH Them. Some swim lessons are like this (so I have heard). Some sports seem to allow parents to form teams. Too much work for me, but maybe your friend would be great at organizing something like this - so you can all be included. |
Anonymous
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This has happened over and over?
Ditch so-called friend. Sounds like a user. |
Anonymous
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Have you complained about this on dcum before? there is something so familiar about your post. Is this the same poster whose friend always piggybacks onto her vacations as well?
This situation is easily remedied, just don't tell your friend about the class, or at least wait until you have already registered. I'm not sure how she is supposed to know that she is taking your spot, wouldn't she assume that if you were telling her about the class that you yourself had already signed up? I don't see how she is "cutting in," but if you see it that way then just keep your mouth shut about the classes. |
Anonymous
| This has happened to me enough that I don't tell my friends what I"m going to do until I've already secured my spot...unless I don't want to do it alone and I'm actually recruiting people to do it with me. This is a competitive area. One must think ahead. |
Anonymous
Thanks PPs. No I have not posted this before. I agree with PPs that this happens a lot because of lack of spaces! I have to learn to not say anything, I do feel used. I really have to not say anything until after the registration date starts. The part I find hurtful is that she thinks to invite others without regard for me, without me she wouldn't even know about it. As if she is trying to gain some sort of points with her other friends (who I don't know) at my expense. Which is what I mean when I say it's like a big f*ck you to me. Thank you for your support and advice. I was puzzled by the blatant disregard by someone who is supposed to be my friend. If someone told me about something (a class for example), I don't think I would have the guts to cut in front of them, with a few others in tow, and then expect them not to care or expect me (yup, it gets better) to be excited for them - WTF? It seems twisted to me. Competitive is one thing. Yes, not much different than 7th grade perhaps, PP. I guess I'm the only one, so maybe its me 
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Anonymous
| A PP here. I still don't get why you are taking it so personally. Is the problem really that she is inviting other friends, so you feel that somehow she likes them better than you? You can't consider it "cutting in front of you" because for these kinds of registration, there isn't really a clear "line" for people to stand on in the hopes of a spot. It would be nice if she expressed sympathy that you didn't get in while she did, and it would be tactful of her not to expect you to be excited for her when you were shut out. But if it happens over and over, then you have to change your approach, and maybe she's not as good a friend as you thought and you should put your energy elsewhere. |