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My DD Godmother doesn't want to see us anymore....
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Anonymous
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When my DD was born, I asked my best friend to be my DD godmother. She's religous and we're very close. I thought it would be the perfect fit.
Flash forward - she's found out that she is unable to have children. It's been heartbreaking process for her and her DH. They have decided that they do not want to adopt and are moving forward with their lives. Little by little - she seems to be cutting me (and DD) our of her life. I've noticed it slowly - as she's been "very busy lately" and even had a get-together last weekend that I wasn't invited too. When I asked her about it, she said that she thought I'd be busy with mother's day and wouldn't want to come (it was on a Saturday). I've tried to be sensitive, but it's breaking my DD heart "Why doesn't Aunt Jane want to see me?" Not sure what to do from here - I don't want to hurt my friend, but there is a child involved. |
Anonymous
| Give her some space and let her morn the void in her life of not having a child. We ended up adopting but it was a long/hard/expensive & horrible process and not for everyone but all those years of being childless made it really hard to be around others with kids sometimes. Its about her, not you and I'd tell your daughter that Aunt Jane has a few things going on right now and she'd love to see you as soon as she gets through them. Keep it simple. In less you've been where she is, its easy to say you understand, but you don't - you can be empathetic but understanding is very different. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the PP, give your friend some space. I'd try and do something with just her and not talk about kids. Try to reconnect with her on a friend level without children. She'll come around, but you really need to give her some space to grieve and adjust to her new reality. |
Anonymous
| Agree with PP's. And if possible, don't let your DD know that you're trying to get together with Aunt Jane so she won't feel disappointed when it doesn't come to fruition. |
Anonymous
I tried this, several times when she first found out. I don't believe I'm one of those "kids all the time" moms. It's been about a year (not that I believe there to be a time limit on these things) but I've asked her to movies, just the two of us. I've asked her to lunch and she says "she's to busy" - but she'll go out with other friends of ours that do not have kids. I understand her need to be around people that do not have kids, but I feel like I'm being punished for things outside of my control. |
Anonymous
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Hugs to your friend, you and your daughter.
I hope you friend is able to work thru her grief and maintain your friendship and the relationship with your child. She is too deep in her own pain to see that she is hurting a child -- when taking care of children is the main point of being a parent. Hopefully she has some folks around her who she can reach out to...and who can give her loving guidance. Otherwise, she is going to end up being alone...what is she going to do when other friends have kids...will she dissolve those friendships too? |
Anonymous
| PPs are giving the friend too much credit; the friend is letting her TTC quest consume her to the point where she is becoming an asshole. |
Anonymous
I agree with this too. I realize things are tough for her, but really at some point you need to just move on and in this case she's punishing people who have done nothing wrong. Unless there is more to this story. |
Anonymous
| i have a single friend who finds every excuse in the book not to hang out with me - i get the feeling she doesn't even want to hear about my kids. and it kind of hurts my feelsing. i posted on here a long time ago and people said to just let it - and her - go. |
Anonymous
She's "becoming an asshole?" She should "just move on?" Clearly, neither of you heartless bithces have any real understanding of what the friend is going through. |
Anonymous
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I went through infertility and it took me over 16 years to figure out how to deal with it but under any circumstance I'd ever imagine being rude or inconsiderate to someone so close to me with such a meaningful relationship.
Being infertile doesn't give you the right to cross people out of your life like this. Honestly, I never really got the "I can't have kids so I won't ever go to a place with children ever again" kind of approach. When I found out tome infertility clinics had that stupid policy against parents bringing their children there I thought it was an absurd! Life goes on and we must learn to cope. Crawling under a rock is not healthy. |
Anonymous
Too many just like her. |
Anonymous
NP here. People go through all kinds of horrible things in life....including people who lose their children. While it's their right to cut everyone out and go live in a hole, it's not healthy and I would hope my friends and family would try to pull me out of it. Like someone said, she will eventually have to cut everyone with kids out of her life. She really should honor the godparent thing. And yeah, at some point she needs to move on. Not being heartless, or a bitch, but facing reality - healthy reality. |
Anonymous
| Maybe she can't fulfill her GM duties bc the IF has shattered her belief in God. Why don't you ask her what's going on, OP, without mentioning your concern for your DD but with concern about her? |
Anonymous
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17:10 Nailed it.
I have had to deal with some horrible health issues this last year - things I wouldn't wish on any of you, even the heartless. It taught me a few things, one of which is that none of us have a monopoly on suffering, and more of us have horrible crap going on than the lucky realize. It is really sad that the friend is infertile and struggling to come to terms with it. I get it. However, you are always accountable for how you treat the people around you, and you should never shun a child because of your own #$%^. |