Dooce /Heather Armstrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 58, so about 10 years older than Dooce, and I remember reading her posts many years ago when my children were little. What some of you young uns might not realize is what a pathbreaker she was when she started her blog. In the mid-2000's, there was no tradition of women even talking publicly about how hard parenting can be, how it affects your identity and self esteem, your marriage.

No wine moms. The term 'sanctimommy' hadn't been coined yet. There was no word to describe the ways that some women managed to make you feel bad about yourself when they competed with you on the parenting front.

I got married at age 29 and came of age when those terrible articles were everywhere about infertility and 'if you aren't married by the time you are thirty you are more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to have a child.' We were grateful that our husbands 'let us' work, and didn't dare ask for any sort of equal parenting. My girlfriends and I used to joke about our 'stealth jobs' that we did while our kids were in school but never letting on to our kids' teachers that we actually had jobs. We watched that trial on TV of the nanny who killed her charge and watched that scandal where the day care center was accused of conducting ritualized satanic abuse.

We were encouraged to believe that we could do it all and have it all. Being a mom was referred to as 'the toughest job you'll ever love.'

In short, there was NOWHERE to go to find a voice like hers -- that said things like "some days I wonder if I've made a mistake. it's scary being responsible for these little people, their psyches, etc." or 'I wonder who I am or if I'm ever going to find myself again.' These are sentiments that some of you may have encountered routinely when you had little kids, but at the time Heather was writing, these things were not said. And she said them. and helped us all to feel less alone. To be okay with our imperfections, with being imperfect, with being scared.

Her writing meant a lot to a lot of people of my generation. She paved the way for a lot of what you see routinely today on Tik Tok and elsewhere -- the one upping mom (she's awful!), the wealthy lady who doesn't understand what your problem is, etc. Probably this site. Anyway, I'll miss her.

It would have been so much better if she simply wrote about it all more anonymously and left out photos of her girls and their names. She could have simply gone by Dooce and had an avatar or something. She did something useful and also incredibly destructive. She helped people feel less alone and also helped inspire more moms to exploit their children for fame and fortune.

She was both a fresh voice that made you laugh through new-mother tears, and a woman who exploited her family (inexcusably her kids) for too long. She didn't stay in one lane. Looking back, the lack of filters was responsible for her duality.

Sadly, once her young family started coming apart so did she, and she never recovered. If anything she doubled down on the Heather Show. Very open, very flawed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 58, so about 10 years older than Dooce, and I remember reading her posts many years ago when my children were little. What some of you young uns might not realize is what a pathbreaker she was when she started her blog. In the mid-2000's, there was no tradition of women even talking publicly about how hard parenting can be, how it affects your identity and self esteem, your marriage.

No wine moms. The term 'sanctimommy' hadn't been coined yet. There was no word to describe the ways that some women managed to make you feel bad about yourself when they competed with you on the parenting front.

I got married at age 29 and came of age when those terrible articles were everywhere about infertility and 'if you aren't married by the time you are thirty you are more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to have a child.' We were grateful that our husbands 'let us' work, and didn't dare ask for any sort of equal parenting. My girlfriends and I used to joke about our 'stealth jobs' that we did while our kids were in school but never letting on to our kids' teachers that we actually had jobs. We watched that trial on TV of the nanny who killed her charge and watched that scandal where the day care center was accused of conducting ritualized satanic abuse.

We were encouraged to believe that we could do it all and have it all. Being a mom was referred to as 'the toughest job you'll ever love.'

In short, there was NOWHERE to go to find a voice like hers -- that said things like "some days I wonder if I've made a mistake. it's scary being responsible for these little people, their psyches, etc." or 'I wonder who I am or if I'm ever going to find myself again.' These are sentiments that some of you may have encountered routinely when you had little kids, but at the time Heather was writing, these things were not said. And she said them. and helped us all to feel less alone. To be okay with our imperfections, with being imperfect, with being scared.

Her writing meant a lot to a lot of people of my generation. She paved the way for a lot of what you see routinely today on Tik Tok and elsewhere -- the one upping mom (she's awful!), the wealthy lady who doesn't understand what your problem is, etc. Probably this site. Anyway, I'll miss her.

It would have been so much better if she simply wrote about it all more anonymously and left out photos of her girls and their names. She could have simply gone by Dooce and had an avatar or something. She did something useful and also incredibly destructive. She helped people feel less alone and also helped inspire more moms to exploit their children for fame and fortune.

People talk about her posting pictures of her kids like it is a massive moral infraction. Good grief. People who post white supremacist stuff online get more grace from some of you.

A lot of us posted pictures of our kids on our blogs and wrote about their lives. For me and the vast majority of us the content wasn’t, “here is a personal problem Larla is having,” but things like “Larla tried solids for the first time today.” Having a blog was a wonderful way to not just keep in touch with family and friends but to connect to them more deeply, because I could tell stories about my life. It was a vital creative outlet at a time when I was a new SAHM mom feeling incredibly isolated. Once I heard about people misusing images of children I took them down, and I do think it would have been better had I never put them up. But as for the stories of my kids? I loved those and so do they. They have a great record of their earliest years.

Would all this be worse if I found a way to monetize it? I would never do that for all sorts of reasons, but the content would still be there. Lots of us were guilty. One person who comes to mind is a vlogger (and can we just agree that family vlogs are way worse than mommy blogs?) who did a whole episode on her daughter shaving her legs for the first time. And I am sure that some people who loathe Dooce also post pictures of their own kids online. Dooce made big mistakes with her kids really didn’t deserve all the hate.

Note: I was not inspired to write by Dooce. I don’t know about her until after I had already started blogging (and yes for the first few years I loved and was very inspired her content). Dooce may have been the first but I don’t think she ultimately made that big of a difference when it comes to how many moms share photos of their kids online.

[Anonymous]

I had a blog and wrote about my kids. I never posted pics of their faces - only from the back/top, and used the names we almost chose for them but didn't ultimately use. So Monica was called Michelle on the blog, Jeremy was called Jason, etc.

I also didn't publish anything embarrassing about them. I may have written it out to process it on my end, but didn't want Jeremy to grow up and have his friends say "Hey found your mom's blog - can't believe you shat yourself when you were four, at a WEDDING right when they were saying the vows! Want to see the pictures?"

This didn't feel radical or disingenuous to me at all - my kids were my priority, not my readers or the advertisers, and I always tried to keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

So now we may not criticize this bloggers body of work because she died? She shall forever be a vaunted example of female empowerment and a true literary genius?

I also had PPD. Twice. I didn’t turn to a blogger to help me in the moments of despair; I had real life interactions and contact with my therapist, my physicians, my sisters, a trusted colleague.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So now we may not criticize this bloggers body of work because she died? She shall forever be a vaunted example of female empowerment and a true literary genius?

I also had PPD. Twice. I didn’t turn to a blogger to help me in the moments of despair; I had real life interactions and contact with my therapist, my physicians, my sisters, a trusted colleague.

DCUM has a 24 hour rule following someone's death. That's not too onerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 58, so about 10 years older than Dooce, and I remember reading her posts many years ago when my children were little. What some of you young uns might not realize is what a pathbreaker she was when she started her blog. In the mid-2000's, there was no tradition of women even talking publicly about how hard parenting can be, how it affects your identity and self esteem, your marriage.

No wine moms. The term 'sanctimommy' hadn't been coined yet. There was no word to describe the ways that some women managed to make you feel bad about yourself when they competed with you on the parenting front.

I got married at age 29 and came of age when those terrible articles were everywhere about infertility and 'if you aren't married by the time you are thirty you are more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to have a child.' We were grateful that our husbands 'let us' work, and didn't dare ask for any sort of equal parenting. My girlfriends and I used to joke about our 'stealth jobs' that we did while our kids were in school but never letting on to our kids' teachers that we actually had jobs. We watched that trial on TV of the nanny who killed her charge and watched that scandal where the day care center was accused of conducting ritualized satanic abuse.

We were encouraged to believe that we could do it all and have it all. Being a mom was referred to as 'the toughest job you'll ever love.'

In short, there was NOWHERE to go to find a voice like hers -- that said things like "some days I wonder if I've made a mistake. it's scary being responsible for these little people, their psyches, etc." or 'I wonder who I am or if I'm ever going to find myself again.' These are sentiments that some of you may have encountered routinely when you had little kids, but at the time Heather was writing, these things were not said. And she said them. and helped us all to feel less alone. To be okay with our imperfections, with being imperfect, with being scared.

Her writing meant a lot to a lot of people of my generation. She paved the way for a lot of what you see routinely today on Tik Tok and elsewhere -- the one upping mom (she's awful!), the wealthy lady who doesn't understand what your problem is, etc. Probably this site. Anyway, I'll miss her.

Very well said.

I'm not sure there is any help for it, but the very fact that she got famous and made a fair amount of money blogging made her no longer "of" the women she had been writing about. Whereas in the early days, she was writing about the same life that millions of women were living; after fame and fortune, she wasn't grinding through the same day-to-day as her audience.

[Anonymous]

My wife & I had a family blog back in the mid-2000s. There was absolutely no money. It was a combination journal - so we could remember as time passed; and resource for our extended family and friends to check in with us if they were interested.

At a certain point, we stopped. I think it was a combination of the Internet moving on, maybe Facebook taking over as well as the kids hitting an age where talking about them, even kindly, seemed like a bit of an invasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So now we may not criticize this bloggers body of work because she died? She shall forever be a vaunted example of female empowerment and a true literary genius?

I also had PPD. Twice. I didn’t turn to a blogger to help me in the moments of despair; I had real life interactions and contact with my therapist, my physicians, my sisters, a trusted colleague.

Are you criticizing her body of work? I was something of a fan of her writing and the rambling, incoherent posts of the last five years are nothing like her earlier stuff - either her hilarious screeds on constipation or her beautiful letters to her daughter.

I am happy that you made it through your moments of despair; sadly, not everyone who struggles with suicidal depression and/or addiction does. Even those, like Heather (Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, Prince, Kurt Cobain), who have all those supports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So now we may not criticize this bloggers body of work because she died? She shall forever be a vaunted example of female empowerment and a true literary genius?

I also had PPD. Twice. I didn’t turn to a blogger to help me in the moments of despair; I had real life interactions and contact with my therapist, my physicians, my sisters, a trusted colleague.

Not everyone has that kind of access you did to resources/family/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So now we may not criticize this bloggers body of work because she died? She shall forever be a vaunted example of female empowerment and a true literary genius?

I also had PPD. Twice. I didn’t turn to a blogger to help me in the moments of despair; I had real life interactions and contact with my therapist, my physicians, my sisters, a trusted colleague.

Not everyone has that kind of access you did to resources/family/etc.

Well no, but Dooce did have access to those things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So now we may not criticize this bloggers body of work because she died? She shall forever be a vaunted example of female empowerment and a true literary genius?

I also had PPD. Twice. I didn’t turn to a blogger to help me in the moments of despair; I had real life interactions and contact with my therapist, my physicians, my sisters, a trusted colleague.

Are you criticizing her body of work? I was something of a fan of her writing and the rambling, incoherent posts of the last five years are nothing like her earlier stuff - either her hilarious screeds on constipation or her beautiful letters to her daughter.

I am happy that you made it through your moments of despair; sadly, not everyone who struggles with suicidal depression and/or addiction does. Even those, like Heather (Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, Prince, Kurt Cobain), who have all those supports.

Not to derail, but Prince's death seemed to be more of an accidental overdose of fentanyl, not suicide.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone remember Melissa from Suburban Bliss? Another very funny blogger who went off the rails when her marriage ended. I hope she is okay now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone remember Melissa from Suburban Bliss? Another very funny blogger who went off the rails when her marriage ended. I hope she is okay now.

That rings sort of a bell. Did she have a grudge against a grout company?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It would have been so much better if she simply wrote about it all more anonymously and left out photos of her girls and their names. She could have simply gone by Dooce and had an avatar or something. She did something useful and also incredibly destructive. She helped people feel less alone and also helped inspire more moms to exploit their children for fame and fortune.

Sure, that would have been better. But back in 2003, the internet was completely different. There was no model for this kind of writing— she created the model. I’m sure she would have kept her kids anonymous if she’d started her blog in 2023. In 2003, nobody could really see what the internet was about to become. I don’t think anyone worried about their privacy the way we do today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there summary links for those of us who are new to GOMI/Dooce?

www.google.com

NP. Oh come on. This is like a decades old mommy blog war that took place in niche compartments of the internet. I have been googling it and went to GOMI to see what you all were talking about and didn't even understand the website. I saw no one named Alice, it seemed like just...like a place where anyone can post something? I came back hoping someone had responded to PP with some TLDR summary.

Same. I'd never heard of that site or this person and I've been on several other mom sites for years.