If you left Big Law…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH has been a Big Law partner for five years now (one of the top grossing firms in the country). He makes 7 figures including his bonus. And he hates it. He’s miserable. He wants to take a government job for a few years and test it out- says he doesn’t want at the end of his life to say he never tried something else. He’s in a pretty specialized law section and has been successful so he’s pretty confident he would get hired by the government and go back to private if/when he needs.

My question is for anyone who did this- what was your financial cushion? We have about $800,000 equity in our $1.6 M house, with a $4500 monthly mortage. Three kids, one in private preschool and two in public schools in bethesda. Two cars paid for. No debt. Close to $2M in savings not counting house equity. Close to $700,000 in 529’s for the kids (also not counted toward savings). DH feels comfortable living below our means for a few years and draining some of our savings so he can have a job that brings him happiness for some time, knowing he could go back to private if need be. It makes me more anxious. (And I do stay at home, it was a choice we both made when our oldest child was born. I was a preschool teacher and the cost of a nanny or daycare would have been more than I made.). We don’t live extravagant lives- no country clubs, not much expensive travel, no second homes, only once a month cleaners, etc. I want him to be happy more than anything but I worry about whether we can afford to live off of one government salary, even for a few years.

I did something similar, but only had about $1M in savings (not counting retirement - not sure if you are counting that or not). what helped me was to go through my credit card statements for a few months and figure out what from those expenses we could cut and what we would need to keep. We made a budget and talked to our financial planner. I made the change and it was fine from a financial perspective. I think you could do it and I think you should encourage your husband to do it if he really is miserable. Life is too short and you already have a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t he go in house? That seems like a better middle ground. You can live a good life on 500k. On 200k with three kids in a HCOL an area, not so much (particularly coming from seven figures.)

And/or you can get back into the workforce.

Yeah, it’s this. OP, I agree you should ignore the rude PP who was insulting for no reason. But you really shouldn’t ignore people who are saying you need to go back to work. I understand your desire to stay home with your youngest. Lots of people have that desire. For most it is not a possibility. That will very likely be your family if your husband goes to government. And he should do that if he’s truly miserable. Biglaw is the worst, and he didn’t get to 7 figures without putting in many years of grueling firm work. Let him take a break (and to be clear, his “break” will still involve a full time job). It’s your turn to do your part for the family. Figure out how to get back into the workforce in the most lucrative way possible, and put your youngest in full time daycare. It’s what literally almost every American family does. You can too.

I don’t understand all the posters telling OP to go back to work. She clearly doesn’t want to and won’t. If I were her I would pressure DH to stay in big law longer and then move to in house.

Well, why is she entitled to stay home if her husband is miserable? My DH makes around 300/350 and I work for precisely that reason… he doesn’t want to be stressed to death at work. In some ways it’s a sacrifice for our family as our kids don’t have a stay at home parent, but doesn’t seem totally fair for his wife to stay home if he’s miserable. That or they need to figure out how to live on a much lower income.

That is the first time I've heard that reason for working. Usually it's ambition, need for money, need for office culture, doesn't like staying home, ingrained link to work and self worth, to keep brain busy, use degree, get away from kids, just in case of divorce, to model working for kids.. I've never heard to be fair to a partner who is miserable working but its not a bad reason either!

You're kidding right? You've never heard of someone working in order to share in the burden of earning money? You live in a sheltered world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go back to work. This isn't that complicated. Your family is going to have an incredibly difficult time going from $1M+ to $160K. You need to get a job.

It's almost impossible in this area.

To find a job in early childhood education? OP would be fine. I'm not sure why OP can't find a job teaching preschool (either 3,4, or 5 days a week) AND then send her daughter to that preschool for the next two years before her youngest DC goes to public K.

Almost impossible for a family of 5 to live in Bethesda with a mortgage on 160K without digging into savings. I am agreeing with you that they probably need that job to make this work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t he go in house? That seems like a better middle ground. You can live a good life on 500k. On 200k with three kids in a HCOL an area, not so much (particularly coming from seven figures.)

And/or you can get back into the workforce.

Yeah, it’s this. OP, I agree you should ignore the rude PP who was insulting for no reason. But you really shouldn’t ignore people who are saying you need to go back to work. I understand your desire to stay home with your youngest. Lots of people have that desire. For most it is not a possibility. That will very likely be your family if your husband goes to government. And he should do that if he’s truly miserable. Biglaw is the worst, and he didn’t get to 7 figures without putting in many years of grueling firm work. Let him take a break (and to be clear, his “break” will still involve a full time job). It’s your turn to do your part for the family. Figure out how to get back into the workforce in the most lucrative way possible, and put your youngest in full time daycare. It’s what literally almost every American family does. You can too.

I don’t understand all the posters telling OP to go back to work. She clearly doesn’t want to and won’t. If I were her I would pressure DH to stay in big law longer and then move to in house.

She’s not going to. The poster suggesting she work and send her kid to daycare? Daycare is 20k a year minimum. She’d basically be working to pay for daycare. Cmon.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow. Your husband is going to ruin your family’s life. He needs to own it and be willing to relocate to a different part of the country or support you going back to school to earn a degree to support the family and fund retirement.

This is why it’s dangerous to rely on a man. He’s about to mess up everything. He should go in house. A government job is silly. To be fair it could take an entire year to move.

I’d mess with him and start studying for the GMAT instead of having sex at night or doing anything fun. Act very serious about returning to school and tell him you have to in order to get a high enough paying of a job. A preschool teacher won’t cut it. Also go visit daycares with him. Cancel any upcoming vacations this summer under the auspice of changing your lifestyle to prepare for losing most of your income.

[Anonymous]

You can easily do this. I have a 1.7m house half paid off and am a gov lawyer. Only diff is I only have one kid. You should go back to work when your kid is out of preschool. Your DH will make 183k. I left a firm too. Quality of life enormously better. My dh and I have separate finances though our total net worth is in the few million, and I can easily swing this life. Nothing fancy and live a pretty non flashy life.

[Anonymous]

Also not to hijack the thread but why is everyone acting like it’s super easy to go in house in the dmv. There aren’t that many in house jobs in this area. Believe me every senior attorney I know is fighting for them.

[Anonymous]

my partner did this. Went into debt to do it, too. That was during Obama years. It was hard for a bit but worked out ok because he went back to a law firm afterward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. Your husband is going to ruin your family’s life. He needs to own it and be willing to relocate to a different part of the country or support you going back to school to earn a degree to support the family and fund retirement.

This is why it’s dangerous to rely on a man. He’s about to mess up everything. He should go in house. A government job is silly. To be fair it could take an entire year to move.

I’d mess with him and start studying for the GMAT instead of having sex at night or doing anything fun. Act very serious about returning to school and tell him you have to in order to get a high enough paying of a job. A preschool teacher won’t cut it. Also go visit daycares with him. Cancel any upcoming vacations this summer under the auspice of changing your lifestyle to prepare for losing most of your income.

How about you refrain from giving advice? You sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. Your husband is going to ruin your family’s life. He needs to own it and be willing to relocate to a different part of the country or support you going back to school to earn a degree to support the family and fund retirement.

This is why it’s dangerous to rely on a man. He’s about to mess up everything. He should go in house. A government job is silly. To be fair it could take an entire year to move.

I’d mess with him and start studying for the GMAT instead of having sex at night or doing anything fun. Act very serious about returning to school and tell him you have to in order to get a high enough paying of a job. A preschool teacher won’t cut it. Also go visit daycares with him. Cancel any upcoming vacations this summer under the auspice of changing your lifestyle to prepare for losing most of your income.

How about you refrain from giving advice? You sound awful.

I think this PP is calling out the OP - this is satire.

[Anonymous]

Husband sounds irresponsible. I wonder if this is about having an affair/ wants easy job to allow him to get fit and indulge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband sounds irresponsible. I wonder if this is about having an affair/ wants easy job to allow him to get fit and indulge.

WTF? There are a lot of nutcases posting here. Wanting to leave big law is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. Your husband is going to ruin your family’s life. He needs to own it and be willing to relocate to a different part of the country or support you going back to school to earn a degree to support the family and fund retirement.

This is why it’s dangerous to rely on a man. He’s about to mess up everything. He should go in house. A government job is silly. To be fair it could take an entire year to move.

I’d mess with him and start studying for the GMAT instead of having sex at night or doing anything fun. Act very serious about returning to school and tell him you have to in order to get a high enough paying of a job. A preschool teacher won’t cut it. Also go visit daycares with him. Cancel any upcoming vacations this summer under the auspice of changing your lifestyle to prepare for losing most of your income.

How about you refrain from giving advice? You sound awful.

I think this PP is calling out the OP - this is satire.

Nope. I’d go crazy on a DH who tried to pull this crap on me as a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. Your husband is going to ruin your family’s life. He needs to own it and be willing to relocate to a different part of the country or support you going back to school to earn a degree to support the family and fund retirement.

This is why it’s dangerous to rely on a man. He’s about to mess up everything. He should go in house. A government job is silly. To be fair it could take an entire year to move.

I’d mess with him and start studying for the GMAT instead of having sex at night or doing anything fun. Act very serious about returning to school and tell him you have to in order to get a high enough paying of a job. A preschool teacher won’t cut it. Also go visit daycares with him. Cancel any upcoming vacations this summer under the auspice of changing your lifestyle to prepare for losing most of your income.

How about you refrain from giving advice? You sound awful.

I think this PP is calling out the OP - this is satire.

Nope. I’d go crazy on a DH who tried to pull this crap on me as a SAHM.

Wow! Entitled, aren’t we?

[Anonymous]

If you’re still reading, OP, I am a single mom who is a government lawyer. I came here from a law firm. I make $183k, which is what your husband can expect to make. I don’t know why people are saying $160k. I have one child, not three, and I don’t have a second adult in the family (which means I’m not paying for a second adult but it also means I don’t have the benefit of a second adult’s labor). I could swing $4200 per month in mortgage but $4500 would be getting tight. (I say that because I pay $3000 now and save $1200 each month, over and above my TSP contribution, so I know I could do $4200.)

You’ll be fine, and I don’t think you’ll need to dip into savings. I also have a special needs child, and my budget works. You’ve got this.