Do independent school families live in condos?

[Anonymous]

Crazy question here- my family is considering moving from the inner subburbs back into the city to be closer to school/work. But we are not wealthy, and tuition is going to stretch us pretty thin (we don't get any financial aid). DH is worried that if we downsize into a condo, which is all we can afford, DD will not fit in socially with her peers. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Independent school families live in all types of housing - mansions, track homes, townhomes, condos, and apartments. They live everywhere from Potomac to McLean to Upper Marlboro to a couple of blocks from school. That said, there are certainly more wealthy people than not in those schools. You just have to feel comfortable with yourself where ever you choose to live.

[Anonymous]

I fully understand your concern ... we live in an older townhouse in central Springfield while our child's classmates live in much nicer neighborhoods in Olde Town, Arlington, and so forth. It does take some self confidence on your part, believe me! The thing is that while the other parents may be very neutral on the question of wealth, young children are immature by definition and can say things that could make your child feel "less" accepted. But all in all, kids just want to play with each other and have fun ... differences in housing, clothes, cars, vacations, etc. will be noted but won't exclude your child. Your quiet confidence on the matter will make all the difference!

[Anonymous]

Are you serious OP??????

[Anonymous]

PP- OP here, and really, yes I am serious. I grew up as the poor kid who did not fit in in a "great" public school in Montgomery County. I was teased mercilessly for having ratty used clothes and living in a "scary" part of town. My husband had a similar experience as a low income immigrant in suburban Baltimore. We want more social and emotional security for our kids.

If you have a problem with that, no need to respond to my sincere question. I am just a parent doing the best I can for my kids and my community and the word. I give to charity. I volunteer. I pay my taxes. I recycle. I use good manners. I don't cut people off when driving. I help old ladies cross the street. I am a human being. And you purposefully tried to hurt my feelings, although I'm not really sure why.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the explanation, OP. It makes sense that you would worry about this.

We live in a modest house by public housing in a "scary" part of town and I know this will be an issue when my dd attends private school next year. But my grandparents were wealthy and this is a choice that we made, it wasn't thrust upon us -- so it's easier for us. But I am realizing, now that I have been reading these boards, that there are people for whom these things matter. It will be interesting to see whether this becomes evident at dd's crunchy granola school.

At any rate, you have to make decisions that suit your whole family, not just the kids. Every kid has some kind of challenge in life and this may be what your kids have to deal with. But they'll be facing it while your family is saner for being closer to home and work.

And what if you didn't make the move and then the kids feel like outsiders for some other reason? Better to show the kids that mom and dad think it is important to take care of themselves, too, in order for the whole family to thrive.

[Anonymous]

pp here -- whoops, meant "school and work"

[Anonymous]

We too were faced with not wanting our kid to be perceived as "poor" which for most of these schools means making less than $300,000 a year! It's very true that love, integrity, family, and all those other wonderful values are much more important than money, and we all strive to teach that to our children everyday through word and deeds. Nonetheless, I found myself being a bit more thoughtful about how I dressed when on campus, how my child was dressed, and the name brands of the snack foods I provided when it was my turn to bring in food. I realize this must sound so ridiculous to some, but I decided that paying attention to a few small details here and there, in addition to modeling our values, was a small way to help ease my child's early years at school. Having been embarassed by my own parents in elementary school (for reasons not related to income!), I am more careful myself!!

OP: Your question was not at all silly. I want to reassure you that once the kids in the class have bonded, after the first two years, they are such good friends that they no longer pay much attention to material wealth. They just know that they like their classmates and enjoy their company ... giggling in the bedroom of a condo is just as much fun as in the bedroom of a mansion!!

[Anonymous]

I am just as sincere when I say that if the tuition is going to stretch you thin and you already are worried about your housing compared to others, do NOT send you kid to private school.

Private school costs are much more than the tuition. There is a whole lifestyle that goes with it. It won't matter that you live in a condo bc people - kids and adults - will know how much or how little wealth you have. Its just ends up being this way.

My parents sent me to private shcool and we were at the low end of the high income brackets and it was obviuos to me and my friends. I really hated it.

My mom totally wasted her money on tuition. I didn't end up any better than my neighbors who went to public school. Actually, I think those kids probably ended up better in the end.

[Anonymous]

I think it really depends on which school you go to, and, unfortunately, the tenor of the class in which your dc finds him/herself. You can gain a great deal of information from visiting the campus. How much attention is paid to gleaming, expensive-looking facilities? Are the kids plastered in Abercrombie and Hollister? What do the teachers look like? Superficial, perhaps, but often an indication of mindset.

[Anonymous]

OP to clarify-DD already goes to the private school. She is very happy there, and we have been happy too. We don't know many families yet outside of her small class, and none of them live in condos. Hence my question.

[Anonymous]

some people's condos are nicer than others' houses.

condo does not equal "worse" or "less" or "poor." and some people's big houses are unclean. or not furnished because they can't afford furniture after spending so much on a house. or some people have a fancy car that might make one assume that they also have a fancy house... but in reality they spend a lot on the car but live in a very modest house.

i really wouldn't worry too much. if you and your family keep a clean, comfortable house and are welcoming you will be just fine - and light years ahead of those with a bigger, unclean house or, conversely, a big house that is like a museum where the kids can't even play.

i speak from experience on both sides of the fence.

[Anonymous]

Our kids go to private school here in DC - we live in a condo. They have playdates at all types of homes - everyone is so different. You will always encounter families that are more cliquey with eachother - even if you live in a nice house. Some families have country clubs in common or summers on Nantucket. But are you at the school to make friends with other families or for your kids to make friends? I don't think at the elementary level that it is as much of an issue....I did go to a private HS and was not from a very well-off family. I felt the differences there more - and also at college. You mentioned you had a similar experience and did not like it - maybe you will still feel self-conscious if you send your child to a private. I think it also depends on the school - some are more low-key than others (even though they cost the same)......

[Anonymous]

To the OP I am the poster who asked are you serious. It was not my intention to hurt your feelings please accept my apology. I asked if you were serious because there are so many things that dictate whether a child fits in socially and I do not believe the type of home they live in is one of those factors. An educator I interact with children daily and can tell you that they pick their social groups based upon likes and differences, behavior, and kindness. So if your child is ( I am sure he/she is) nice, well mannered, behaves appropriately, and articulates his/her ideas clearly they will be fine. If others judge you DC based upon the size of your home I would encourage you to discuss this with your DC and encourage him/her to find another set of friends. I truly want to believe that as Americans we are moving beyond this type of judgement; we should be teaching our children to judge each other based upon character and not the size of their home.

Again OP please accept my apology

[Anonymous]

We will be sending our dd to private school and live in an apartment. I think we usually get a pass because we are a very young couple living in the city, in an area with mostly older (and much wealthier) parents, but it really hasn't been an issue. At some time or another, we've had her entire preschool class (with their parents) over our place and no one cares!!! We do have it nicely decorated and I take are of it pretty well, but I hope that's not a consideration! (Our apartment is the same size as a small house in the area) We love living in the city and think about it - it's nothing new to the vast majority of urban children! I have friends from NYC who laugh at the thought of anyone being made fun of for not owning a huge house - they ALL grew up in apartments.

I do agree that the high school years are tough when they start coveting $200 jeans and $500 purses, but that's quite a bit away for your family - so I wouldn't worry now.

There are SO many positives to living in the city in a small space! I have on average an extra 1.5-2 hrs/day MORE with my family because of no commute, we have no extra crap - it really cuts down on consumer/materialism, we are a closer family because of proximity (and also the aforementioned time from lack of commute), we exercise more together (post dinner walks in the neighborhood - we live next to Rock Creek).

You'll be fine.