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Elementary School-Aged Kids
Help needed dealing with stubborn, angry adolescent boy
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Anonymous
| My 12 year old son is driving me crazy and I need help, NOW. He does well in school (although sometimes loses focus when his middle school work becomes difficult) but at home he is impossible - he throws tantrums (or freaks out) when he has a problem with his electronic devices or when I can't drive him to Target on a moment's notice [these happen several times a week], has gone through long periods of almost constant fighting with his 8 year old sister, and won't practice a musical instrument (he's on his second) for more than 8 or 9 minutes without constant nagging DESPITE begging relentlessly for both instruments and lessons. This is just the tip of the iceburg. It started when he was 10, and I'm pretty familiar with enough developmental syndromes to be pretty sure that's not the issue. On the plus side, he is very gentle with pets and can be wonderful with other small kids. It's that he and I are constantly fighting and I am depressed and unfocused because of it. Is this just "normal" adolescent boy behavior? He usually recognizes right before bed (when I'm tucking him in) that he's behaved badly and apologizes, but he can't seem to make much progress in the way of improvement when the mood strikes him. Help!!!! |
Anonymous
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Are you sure it isn't ADHD?
Sounds like some of the symptoms my DD has, and she has ADHD primarily inattentive type. When she's treated for it those things pretty much go away and she's just a normally obnoxious preteen -- LOL. It could also be that he's overindulged (if you drive him to Target several times a week!) or overstimulated by electronics. I recommend a class from PEP -- Parent Encouragement Program. They are in Kensington MD but have some classes in VA I think. |
Anonymous
| That's the funny thing - is that I don't respond by taking him where he wants to go and we do set strict limits on electronics, etc. He just complains constantly... I don't think it's ADHD b/c he's never had any problems at school - and based on what I know from other parents, usually there are issues there as well. But point taken. thanks! |
Anonymous
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It's probably the age. My boys were horrible at that age. I threatened military school more than once. The only thing that worked was very clear limits and expectations. If you expect certain behavior and he doesn't meet your expectations, then you absolutely have to have a consequence that you stick to every single time.
At one point, we took everything out of my oldest son's room expect his bed. Literally everything...his television, computer, game system,....everything. And we made him earn each item back one at a time for good behavior. My other son brought home a bad grade in middle school so we took his television. He insisted that we couldn't take his television because his grandparents had purchased it for him and it wasn't ours to take. I explained that the television may be his, but the power was mine. His room was on it's own circuit and we cut the power to his room. He had no power in his room for a week. He had to do his homework by candlelight. It was marvelous! It's all about clear expectations and boundaries. And consistent consequences for breaking the rules. If he's having tantrums about his electronics, then clearly he lacks the maturity to have them. Take them away until he shows that he can control his behavior. Are you forcing him to play the instrument? If he isn't interested in the instrument, I would make him finish the year and let him try something else. Fighting with his sister sounds pretty normal. My kids used to fuss and fight all the time. If it started getting out of control, I sent them to their rooms to cool off. |
Anonymous
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21:28, I love you. Homework by candlelight. You are a genius and a mother after my own heart.
OP, I was going to respond much the same way. Don't engage on the dumb stuff like going to Target and the tantrums beyond if he is having a fit, he can do it alone in his room. Electronic devices are tougher, but I would not offer to help him. I wouldn't fix them. They are his problem and if his behavior is not up to your standards, he loses one or more of them. With regard to the musical instruments, once this round of lessons finishes, drop them. He doesn't practice. He doesn't get lessons. No fuss, no muss. You have offered him the opportunity and he doesn't avail himself of it. Done. Less stress for you. One less fight to have. If he wants to start them again, sign a contract with him. He practices for x minutes per day or he loses y electronic device for a day. And then enforce it. |
Anonymous
| Great advice, thanks - I feel much better knowing that others have had to go to even greater lengths (we did remove his door once for slamming it...). And we're not forcing him to play the instrument - he begged us to get it for him. That's what makes me crazy - it was his idea and now he won't practice! Sigh.Anyway, please keep the advice coming -I really appreciate it. |
Anonymous
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Mom of DD 13 here- I find that if I give her a little control, she tends to complete tasks better than if I control the task.
Maybe sit down with son and ask if he is frustrated by you asking him to practice (I'm sure he will say yes  ) Explain that you are frustrated too. Ask if he would like to decide when and where he practices? (He will say yes)
Work with him to plan how many minutes a week he has to practice and have him put his schedule that HE plans and picks on the Fridge. Tell him if at the end of week 1 he has completed it, you will celebrate with something. (Should be small like donuts on Sat am, etc.). Then, do NOT nag him all week - but praise relentlessly after and during practice. This might not work with all kids, but it worked with DD. |
Anonymous
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Like some of the PPs we have found video games to be almost toxic. All we have are sports related games and Wii and our kids have still become compulsive and totally addicted.
I'm no doctor, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night. So, having added that disclaimer, it's almost like they’ve developed some kind football and hockey players’ alter egos. Our rule has become zero video games Sunday-Thursday nights and limited time use on the weekends. We actually say 60 minutes and then set the oven timer to go off an hour later. Then that’s it, they have to find something else to do other than video games and FB. Don't even get me started on my FB tangent. Our family could use some tips on other issues, but this one about limiting electronics has made a big difference around our house. They fought, begged and pleaded to get them back but for once we stood our ground (so far)and we're glad we did. GL |
Anonymous
| Some great advice has already been posted above, but one other idea to keep in mind is that a doctor can prescribe something to "mellow" him out. There are certain ones that really work, I know I put my DS (8) on it a few months ago when he became too much to take. He was always screaming and "on the go". Now he is much more sedentary and I can handle that. I understand your pain, don not forget about prescriptions, they can pretty much solve anything! |
Anonymous
| 8:04 here, I meant to say my DS was 8 years old not put a smile face, LOL! |
Anonymous
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What' going on socially at school? Is he being bullied or tormented at school? He may be "holding it in" all day and letting all his frustration out on you at home?
Boys this age will often not tell you what's happening socially at school and it can get pretty rough at this age. Good luck. This age is so hard. |
Anonymous
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NOt the OP, but also have a young teen boy and all the advice here is great.
My son has tantrums at times too, and we have figured out that they are often related to lack of sleep and not eating healthy foods. Too much junk food is toxic. (for my kid at least) |
Anonymous
You are an ass and should go away. |
Anonymous
What? Why is that? Thank you for following up with some constructive dialogue. Get over yourself. |
Anonymous
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I think you are making fun of parents who choose to medicate their children for legitimate reasons by implying that people do this just to make their kids less troublesome and more sedentary.
It's mean. |