Found out some disturbing info about my dad's sex life, struggling with parent/gender/gay issues

[Anonymous]

I know the title of this post sounds like some kind of wierd spam but I tried to give as much info as possible. I promise you I am not a troll. I'm a regular DCUM diehard. I'm dealing with something that I really can't share with anyone who knows me, and since there seem to be DCUMers with knowledge about just about everything, I'm hoping this won't be the exception. I've tried to keep it short but it's complicated. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read.

My relationship with my dad has always been complicated, to say the least. He has bipolar disorder, usually untreated. This has led him to make some really terrible judgment calls, mostly with money, and to alienate him from most of the family. He's also got a somewhat "eccentric" personality, but he lives in San Francisco so he doesn't stand out much there. If you met him you'd think he was a nice guy.

My mom was my dad's 2nd wife and they divorced when I was 12. Since then, my dad hasn't had a serious relationship that I'm aware of, although several times during manic episodes he has become totally infatuated with a woman who clearly has no interest in him. I've never actually met any of these women but he usually describes them as gorgeous, rich, and under 30, and usually he says they have "been" together to some degree. I've wondered more than once how much of this is really in his head because trust me, if you saw my dad you would not want to date him. This is a pretty common thread with him, not just with dating. He loves to travel and meet people and he does end up in some interesting situations, but some of his stories just don't sound possible.

We've had many ups and downs over the years and I've spent a great deal of time trying to understand where he's coming from when he does half the shit he does. At times he is completely open and mellow and at other times he is volatile and makes no sense. I'm always struggling to figure out how much is the disease and how much is just his personality. As I've gotten older and learned more about my dad, I've realized that I have a lot of anger at him. My need for distance is actually a large part of what led me to move across the country for grad school, and now 6 years later I'm still here. I didn't see my dad at all for the first 2 years I was here but since having kids I have been trying to let him into our lives more. Regardless of everything he's put me through, I know that he does love me in his own way and he absolutely adores his grandsons. He usually flies out a couple of times a year for the weekend and we spend the time focusing on the kids and avoiding sensitive topics.

A couple of weeks ago he was here and he was rushing to print out his boarding pass before leaving. After he left, I realized that he had left his e-mail open on my computer. I have serious concerns about my dad's finances, which I know is no excuse for snooping, but led me to take the opportunity to glance at his inbox before closing it. I know this is wrong on so many levels and I so wish I hadn't done it. I was totally shocked by what I found. Apparently my dad had answered (or potentially placed) a craigslist ad from a "mature" male cross-dresser looking to meet up in a motel for anonymous sex. The messages were explicit and there is no doubt that my dad was corresponding. I freaked out and closed his e-mail without reading any further.

Now I can't stop obsessing about this. First of all, just the absolute repulsion of thinking of your parent in a sexual situation, especially one like this. I've barely been able to have sex with DH because I'm so grossed out now. But also, if my dad is gay and has been struggling with living a lie his whole life, that would certainly put some of his erratic behavior in a different light. On the other hand, if he is just experimenting with different fantasies, that's not really relevant to his personality. Also, it breaks my heart to think of him trying to seek a connection by meeting a stranger in a motel room. But then again, maybe he's not looking for a connection and it's just for fun.

Everything I've read seems to indicate that it's not all that uncommon for otherwise straight men to fantasize or experiment with cross-dressing or being with a cross-dressed male. It was interesting, though, to note that the person my dad was writing to used a man's name and identified himself as a "cross-dresser," which seems to indicate that he does it as a hobby/fetish rather than a lifestyle. I closed the email really fast but in retrospect there is also a small chance that my dad is actually the cross-dresser and the other guy is the one who answered. I don't think that's the case though.

I'm from San Francisco so it's not like I'm uncomfortable with gay people, and if my dad is gay it wouldn't make me uncomfortable in any way. I'm usually pretty open-minded and I respect that people have different fantasies and proclivities, and as long as it's all between consenting adults I have no problem. But this situation seems different. I feel like an uptight prude to even say it, but it feels like this is somehow sad and deviant. It's not just the gender-bending, but the tawdry motel room, craigslist...it all just blows my mind.

I'm certainly never going to bring this up to my dad, and I can't mention it to my sisters because I feel like I have already violated my dad's privacy in a terrible way. My DH knows but he doesn't really get the nuances of this kind of stuff.

Btw if this were ANYONE else I would say that my dad left his e-mail open b/c he subconsciously wanted me to know, but I am 100% confident that's not the case here.

Any thoughts on any of this, or how I can even begin to process it???

[Anonymous]

Act like the Japanese would do in their rice paper houses: if you aren't supposed to hear it, you pretend that you never did.

[Anonymous]

Whew, that is disturbing activity to discover about one's own parent!

First, he needs to be treated for his bipolar disorder.
Is he resistant to treatment? Any one local you could count on to force him to take his meds?

Second, could his "eccentric" personality be something more specifically pathological? Maybe a diagnosis and treatment exist.

Let the Craigslist cross-dressing lie, although it is very hard to get out of your mind. The closest you could ever approach would be "Hey, I hope you use protection when you meet all these lovely ladies you tell me about, right Dad?"

[Anonymous]

If it were my dad I would be grossed out regardless of the gender issues. I would prefer to not know about my dad's sex life. What can you do but try to put it out of your mind? He's an adult and like it or not, its his business. He may be living a lifestyle that he has been hiding or he may just be experimenting. Either way, it's his life and his decision whether he wants you to know anything about it. All you can do is be supportive of him with the bi-polar issues as best you can. I would be more worried for his safety than anything else. Meeting strangers for sex on Craigslist is a risky business. I can't believe that site continues to operate given all of the crimes that have been tied to the adult ads posted on that site.

[Anonymous]

OP, I mean this seriously although it's going to sound flip. Your solution here is denial. Deny, deny, deny. Just shove that thought out of your head whenever it pops in -- which will be a lot.

There is really nothing else you can do, save for seeing a therapist to help you process.

But were I in your shoes, I would never EVER bring this up with my own bi-polar father.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have won the prize for the longest post ever on DCUM and not necessarily the most interesting or compelling. I also think you had no right to read his email and this is an invasion of privacy on your part. He is a grown man and what he does in his sex life is absolutely none of your business, unless he is asking for someone to meet him in your house.

[Anonymous]

My mom is bipolar and it has been hell for our family. I too am processing anger over some of the things that I went through as a result of her illness. I am saying this as I really feel for you. So let's deal with that first.. I now see a therapist who has assisted me in processing this and I am able to have love for my mom and try to move forward. I am able to look at her "eccentricities" and not get mad. She will not get help so I also process the reality of her life..it isn't good but I know I can't force anything and she will get worse.. This is life and strangely enough..I am okay with it as I know there isn't anything I can do but love her from where I can love her--I used to fantasize that she would get "better" and all would work out..this is a lot of unrealistic pressure.

As for the sexual stuff..look no one wants to see their parents in that light--bigger thing for you to get over is your snooping..seriously you are punishing yourself and you need to let it go. I promise you that if you confront your dad..there will be anger and denials and he is not going to stop doing what he is doing..you have to get to peace with that. So I would accept your snooping as a momentary lapse of judgement and what you saw is someone who is trying to eithe experiment or live their life..and let it go. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I would never tell your siblings or anyone else in your family. I know it is weird and gross to you to think of your dad as a sexual being, but whatever he is doing is private, it's with a consenting adult (presumably), and is his own business. I'm sure it would be devastating to him to know that you know about this, or anyone else in his family. I have never done anything nearly as risque, but I wouldn't want people in my family knowing about my past sexual history.

[Anonymous]

OP, I found out that my dad is gay/bisexual as an adult and it's a lot to process. I found out in an open, considerate, and loving manner directly from him, which you obviously did not, and it was still a life-changing event that left me with questions about my own identity and my "life script" for want of a better word. One of the questions that was foremost in my mind when I found out that my dad was gay was whether he was safe -- physically safe from people who might hurt him because of his sexuality (beat him up) or whether he might take risky chances in order to have sex or get AIDS. I can imagine that the scenario you read about in this email would be scary and hard to understand. And because of the way you found it, you can't ask questions. The fact that your dad is bi-polar adds to the issues and makes this a very complex situation.

I think you are going to need time to process this information, months even, and you could even consider reaching out to PFLAG or a therapist to do so and that would be totally understandable. Whether your Dad wanted you to know this is something I can't answer. There may come a time you want to bring this up to your Dad, which you might want to explore with other people in PFLAG or with a therapist.

Hang in there, OP. Be good to yourself and ignore the haters. Remember, your dad is still your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I found out that my dad is gay/bisexual as an adult and it's a lot to process. I found out in an open, considerate, and loving manner directly from him, which you obviously did not, and it was still a life-changing event that left me with questions about my own identity and my "life script" for want of a better word. One of the questions that was foremost in my mind when I found out that my dad was gay was whether he was safe -- physically safe from people who might hurt him because of his sexuality (beat him up) or whether he might take risky chances in order to have sex or get AIDS. I can imagine that the scenario you read about in this email would be scary and hard to understand. And because of the way you found it, you can't ask questions. The fact that your dad is bi-polar adds to the issues and makes this a very complex situation.

I think you are going to need time to process this information, months even, and you could even consider reaching out to PFLAG or a therapist to do so and that would be totally understandable. Whether your Dad wanted you to know this is something I can't answer. There may come a time you want to bring this up to your Dad, which you might want to explore with other people in PFLAG or with a therapist.

Hang in there, OP. Be good to yourself and ignore the haters. Remember, your dad is still your dad.

a very kind and caring response

[Anonymous]

A friend's husband was placing ads on craigslist during a manic episode. He advertised for both genders. Acting out sexually is a symptom of bipolar disorder.

I know that it has to be disturbing and weirding you out on many levels. But, what can you do, other than take the time to process it?

[Anonymous]

OP, everyone says get therapy on this board, and I'm no exception. I've gotten therapy for years for what I considered to be my own depression. I guess in a way it was, but almost all of my issues stemmed from my very dysfunctional birth family. Once I learned the tools for setting appropriate boundaries and getting good coping techniques, life got much easier. Bipolar disorder in a family member is NOT easy to deal with by any means. I'd start there. I think the rest about his sexual interests, etc., is just a small part of a larger problem -- your relationship with your dad. Get some tools for dealing with that to start with, and things will get easier. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

I was also going to suggest PFLAG as a resource, at least for dealing with the sexuality issue.

[Anonymous]

OP, 50% of us would cringe if we knew everything about our relatives' sex lives, including parents.
It was VERY reckless of your father to leave that much information for you to see. He also has NO BUSINESS telling you about younger pretty rich women he has dated. Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.
As for you, pretend you never saw it. As repulsive as it is, you have to block it out for now. Keep it to yourself.
Forget therapy, spend that $200 and hour on yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Are you worried about genetics? If so, don't, your children have the genes of 3 other grandparents to pull from and a new environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend's husband was placing ads on craigslist during a manic episode. He advertised for both genders. Acting out sexually is a symptom of bipolar disorder. I know that it has to be disturbing and weirding you out on many levels. But, what can you do, other than take the time to process it?

I thought the EXACT same thing. My dad is a mental mess (he is actually a psychopath, which is horrible horrible horrible to have grown up with). Acting out sexually is very common among bi-polar.