Found out some disturbing info about my dad's sex life, struggling with parent/gender/gay issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, 50% of us would cringe if we knew everything about our relatives' sex lives, including parents.
It was VERY reckless of your father to leave that much information for you to see. [b]He also has NO BUSINESS telling you about younger pretty rich women he has dated. Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.[/b]
As for you, pretend you never saw it. As repulsive as it is, you have to block it out for now. Keep it to yourself.
Forget therapy, spend that $200 and hour on yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Are you worried about genetics? If so, don't, your children have the genes of 3 other grandparents to pull from and a new environment.

Same poster here with psychopath dad. The problem with people with severe mental problems is that they often have no impulse control or perception of what is appropriate. This is the frustrating thing in dealing with them. Though he "needs to grow up" the problem is that his brain is broken. What most of us think is abhorrent, the mentall ill person sees no problem with it, it is very frustrating dealing with someone who mentally resides on another planet, and normally that is the planet of "me me me".

[Anonymous]

Just be glad your dad doesn't tell you about his sex life like mine does. Eeeeewwww. No matter how much I ask him to stop, he still tells me and then he says he didn't raise me to be so uptight and he brags about how "open" he has been with me. And he has been doing this since I was a young teenager. I know it sucks to know this kind of thing about your dad but it really is your fault for looking and now you just have to deal with it and let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks so much for the thoughtful responses. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one with a loony family, although I'm sorry other people have to deal with this type of thing too. I NEVER plan to tell my dad or anyone else about this. I just need to figure out how to process it myself and how to get it out of my mind for 5 seconds. I keep thinking I dreamt the whole thing. The oddest part is that I am fairly certain that my dad was not actually manic around the time the e-mails were written, which makes me wonder if this is more than just experimentation and perhaps something significant he is grappling with. I somehow got the impression from the tone of the e-mails that this was something new to him, but that may just be my own assumption.

Therapy is probably a good idea, and it's something I haven't done since I moved here. Can anyone recommend a good therapist in Northern VA?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, 50% of us would cringe if we knew everything about our relatives' sex lives, including parents.
It was VERY reckless of your father to leave that much information for you to see. [b]He also has NO BUSINESS telling you about younger pretty rich women he has dated. Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.[/b]
As for you, pretend you never saw it. As repulsive as it is, you have to block it out for now. Keep it to yourself.
Forget therapy, spend that $200 and hour on yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Are you worried about genetics? If so, don't, your children have the genes of 3 other grandparents to pull from and a new environment.

Same poster here with psychopath dad. The problem with people with severe mental problems is that they often have no impulse control or perception of what is appropriate. This is the frustrating thing in dealing with them. Though he "needs to grow up" the problem is that his brain is broken. What most of us think is abhorrent, the mentall ill person sees no problem with it, it is very frustrating dealing with someone who mentally resides on another planet, and normally that is the planet of "me me me".

OP here. This is so, so, so true. My dad has put me in many uncomfortable positions, which was even more difficult when I was a child and young adult. When he's manic he has absolutely no capacity to understand what's appropriate, when he's depressed he's virtually noncommunicative, and when he's stable I think he largely forgets how he behaved. It's infuriating, exhausting, and incredibly sad. These days I am better able to separate myself, but I was certainly not prepared for something like this.

PP w/psychopath dad, is he still in your life? I have come close to cutting my dad out of my life entirely but I don't think I'm capable of doing it. In spite of all of the craziness he really does love my sisters and me, and we may be the only constant in his life. In a way, this latest revelation makes me feel more empathetic toward him because it makes me realize that he may have a whole host of other struggles I don't even know about.

I'm trying not to look at this with my own value judgments. I know people have different ideas of fun, but it really possible that anonymous casual sex in a motel room with a craigslist cross-dresser is NOT connected to feelings of loneliness, shame, or confusion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, 50% of us would cringe if we knew everything about our relatives' sex lives, including parents.
It was VERY reckless of your father to leave that much information for you to see. [b]He also has NO BUSINESS telling you about younger pretty rich women he has dated. Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.[/b]
As for you, pretend you never saw it. As repulsive as it is, you have to block it out for now. Keep it to yourself.
Forget therapy, spend that $200 and hour on yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Are you worried about genetics? If so, don't, your children have the genes of 3 other grandparents to pull from and a new environment.

Same poster here with psychopath dad. The problem with people with severe mental problems is that they often have no impulse control or perception of what is appropriate. This is the frustrating thing in dealing with them. Though he "needs to grow up" the problem is that his brain is broken. What most of us think is abhorrent, the mentall ill person sees no problem with it, it is very frustrating dealing with someone who mentally resides on another planet, and normally that is the planet of "me me me".

OP here. This is so, so, so true. My dad has put me in many uncomfortable positions, which was even more difficult when I was a child and young adult. When he's manic he has absolutely no capacity to understand what's appropriate, when he's depressed he's virtually noncommunicative, and when he's stable I think he largely forgets how he behaved. It's infuriating, exhausting, and incredibly sad. These days I am better able to separate myself, but I was certainly not prepared for something like this.

PP w/psychopath dad, is he still in your life? I have come close to cutting my dad out of my life entirely but I don't think I'm capable of doing it. In spite of all of the craziness he really does love my sisters and me, and we may be the only constant in his life. In a way, this latest revelation makes me feel more empathetic toward him because it makes me realize that he may have a whole host of other struggles I don't even know about.

I'm trying not to look at this with my own value judgments. I know people have different ideas of fun, but it really possible that anonymous casual sex in a motel room with a craigslist cross-dresser is NOT connected to feelings of loneliness, shame, or confusion?

You know, Dan Savage could advise you better than I could, but there are reasons why people would prefer anonymous motel sex with a stranger to actual intimacy that have nothing to do with neurosis/psychosis. Think about Hugh Grant and what was her 15 minutes of fame? The cross-dressing factor is, shall we say, somewhat baroque but I'm not inclined to say that someone's fetishes and predelictions are necessarily the result of psychosis. Experimentation is a part of life and this person's clientele could not possibly be made up of psychotics off their medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, 50% of us would cringe if we knew everything about our relatives' sex lives, including parents.
It was VERY reckless of your father to leave that much information for you to see. [b]He also has NO BUSINESS telling you about younger pretty rich women he has dated. Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.[/b]
As for you, pretend you never saw it. As repulsive as it is, you have to block it out for now. Keep it to yourself.
Forget therapy, spend that $200 and hour on yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Are you worried about genetics? If so, don't, your children have the genes of 3 other grandparents to pull from and a new environment.

Same poster here with psychopath dad. The problem with people with severe mental problems is that they often have no impulse control or perception of what is appropriate. This is the frustrating thing in dealing with them. Though he "needs to grow up" the problem is that his brain is broken. What most of us think is abhorrent, the mentall ill person sees no problem with it, it is very frustrating dealing with someone who mentally resides on another planet, and normally that is the planet of "me me me".

OP here. This is so, so, so true. My dad has put me in many uncomfortable positions, which was even more difficult when I was a child and young adult. When he's manic he has absolutely no capacity to understand what's appropriate, when he's depressed he's virtually noncommunicative, and when he's stable I think he largely forgets how he behaved. It's infuriating, exhausting, and incredibly sad. These days I am better able to separate myself, but I was certainly not prepared for something like this.

PP w/psychopath dad, is he still in your life? I have come close to cutting my dad out of my life entirely but I don't think I'm capable of doing it. In spite of all of the craziness he really does love my sisters and me, and we may be the only constant in his life. In a way, this latest revelation makes me feel more empathetic toward him because it makes me realize that he may have a whole host of other struggles I don't even know about.

I'm trying not to look at this with my own value judgments. I know people have different ideas of fun, but it really possible that anonymous casual sex in a motel room with a craigslist cross-dresser is NOT connected to feelings of loneliness, shame, or confusion?

Daughter of psychopath here. I did cut my dad off, 100%, it has been 6 months and no communication-my brother and sister have done the same as well. It was very hard because psychopaths are good at luring you in and playing your emotions. Guilt is something he is wonderful at making us feel. However, once I learned more about psychopaths and their inability to love anyone, but themselves, it has become pretty easy now. Once I learned that psychopaths live off of other people like parasites and I truly learned about the disease, I know that cutting my dad off is very healthy for me. He also involves himself in activities that are illegal (such as coning people). There is no medicine or cure for my father and I think he loves his life just the way it is, he is not interested in getting help, because he thinks he is just fine. My love for my father is conditional, conditional upon him at least admitting there is a huge problem, and he won’t go that, so he’s out.

For you, if your dad is truly bi-polar and does actually feel love, I probably would not cut him off. I can say with certainty that my father loves no one (even though he does a good job at faking it, as psychopaths are master chameleons). I do think you have to be very guarded, and I probably would not allow him even one step out of line, basically calling his punk card on his lies and manipulation. I would tell him to keep the crazy back in his crazy town, but when under your roof, to cool his jets or else he won't be invited back. At the end of the day, if you really think your father loves you and your kids, I’d allow him in-WITH LIMITS.


OP, I KNOW how you feel. I used to go to weddings and feel such sadness when I would see a father walking his daughter down the aisle. I would see the love and special relationship between them and feel so sad that I would never have that kind of father. Untreated mental illness is so cruel to the family of the ill person. It is so frustrated to be parented by someone who is narcissistic and who has NO regard (not UNaware, but NO regard) on how their behavior impacts everyone around them.

Do I feel closure or relief that my father is out of my life? NO. I am not at peace, nor am I at peace when I’m on speaking terms with him. However, he is so damaging to me when we do speak that I can no longer subject myself to him and his long string of hurtful lies (psychopaths lie ALL. THE. TIME.). Cutting your father off probably will not bring you any measure of peace and closure, I’m just giving you that heads up…

[Anonymous]

DH here. OP, I think you are reading way too much into a single email that you scanned only briefly. This could quite likely be some harmless exploration and fantasizing your father is doing online with no prospects for real meetings or anything else. You are freaking out on the basis of inadequate data. Many guys will surf the web for gay sheep porn when in the right frame of mind, and it does not mean they are necessarily disturbed or actually into bestiality as a lifestyle.

I think the level of disturbance you are feeling says more about your own feelings than the state of your father's life--the fact that this is interfering with *your* sex life with *your* DH is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

A new person here with experience w/ bi-polar family. Promiscuous sex is actually common during manic episodes. Also with the illness is changing of sexual identity ie interest in men, women, crossdressers etc. I'd choose to see this as further evidence of his mental illness and unwillingness to take his meds. He has a bad brain. end of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, 50% of us would cringe if we knew everything about our relatives' sex lives, including parents.
It was VERY reckless of your father to leave that much information for you to see. [b]He also has NO BUSINESS telling you about younger pretty rich women he has dated. Sounds to me like he needs to grow up.[/b]
As for you, pretend you never saw it. As repulsive as it is, you have to block it out for now. Keep it to yourself.
Forget therapy, spend that $200 and hour on yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Are you worried about genetics? If so, don't, your children have the genes of 3 other grandparents to pull from and a new environment.

Same poster here with psychopath dad. The problem with people with severe mental problems is that they often have no impulse control or perception of what is appropriate. This is the frustrating thing in dealing with them. Though he "needs to grow up" the problem is that his brain is broken. What most of us think is abhorrent, the mentall ill person sees no problem with it, it is very frustrating dealing with someone who mentally resides on another planet, and normally that is the planet of "me me me".

OP here. This is so, so, so true. My dad has put me in many uncomfortable positions, which was even more difficult when I was a child and young adult. When he's manic he has absolutely no capacity to understand what's appropriate, when he's depressed he's virtually noncommunicative, and when he's stable I think he largely forgets how he behaved. It's infuriating, exhausting, and incredibly sad. These days I am better able to separate myself, but I was certainly not prepared for something like this.

PP w/psychopath dad, is he still in your life? I have come close to cutting my dad out of my life entirely but I don't think I'm capable of doing it. In spite of all of the craziness he really does love my sisters and me, and we may be the only constant in his life. In a way, this latest revelation makes me feel more empathetic toward him because it makes me realize that he may have a whole host of other struggles I don't even know about.

I'm trying not to look at this with my own value judgments. I know people have different ideas of fun, but it really possible that anonymous casual sex in a motel room with a craigslist cross-dresser is NOT connected to feelings of loneliness, shame, or confusion?

You know, Dan Savage could advise you better than I could, but there are reasons why people would prefer anonymous motel sex with a stranger to actual intimacy that have nothing to do with neurosis/psychosis. Think about Hugh Grant and what was her 15 minutes of fame? The cross-dressing factor is, shall we say, somewhat baroque but I'm not inclined to say that someone's fetishes and predelictions are necessarily the result of psychosis. Experimentation is a part of life and this person's clientele could not possibly be made up of psychotics off their medication.

Ditto.