Military Relationship

[Anonymous]

I am starting to seriously date this guy, who will be going into active duty in the navy next year. The talk of marriage has started, and the possibility of getting married before he goes away. He wants me to come with him. I am a bit worried because I have a child from a previous relationship, and I am wondering if anyone can share their thoughts or feelings about raising a child while in the military. Are you constantly bouncing from house to house, and the child from school to school? Was it a good experience or bad? I know nothing about military life so please let me know how it has affected your relationship. Has it made marriage stronger? Would I be able to work or just stay home with my child? We would like to have a child together as well, so would raising a baby in the military be a good idea? Any other advice? Thanks to all.

[Anonymous]

Question: what does your custody agreement say about taking your child out of state/out of country/multiple moves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: what does your custody agreement say about taking your child out of state/out of country/multiple moves?

Good Question. We do not have a custody agreement. He pays child support and takes our child every other weekend. The agreement was mutual and never taken to court. Any ideas on what type of visitation would be best? My child is 4 years old. Summer time? Holidays? etc. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: what does your custody agreement say about taking your child out of state/out of country/multiple moves?

Good Question. We do not have a custody agreement. He pays child support and takes our child every other weekend. The agreement was mutual and never taken to court. Any ideas on what type of visitation would be best? My child is 4 years old. Summer time? Holidays? etc. Thank you.

I think you need to discuss this fully with your ex and explain where your new relationship is headed and what you are thinking instead of springing it on him as a decision made unilaterally. This is how you end up in court and lose custody of your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: what does your custody agreement say about taking your child out of state/out of country/multiple moves?

Good Question. We do not have a custody agreement. He pays child support and takes our child every other weekend. The agreement was mutual and never taken to court. Any ideas on what type of visitation would be best? My child is 4 years old. Summer time? Holidays? etc. Thank you.

I think you need to discuss this fully with your ex and explain where your new relationship is headed and what you are thinking instead of springing it on him as a decision made unilaterally. This is how you end up in court and lose custody of your child.

Thank you. A decision would not be made without talking to him. I just wanted some input from others that perhaps were in the same situation and see what worked or did not work with them as this is new to me. The father is very cooperative, as well as myself so there would be no custody battle. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's the choice of words, but your original post raises red flags for me. Granted, I have no idea how old you or your bf are, how long you've been together, etc.

You're "starting" to date seriously. Does that mean you've been dating casually, and now are exclusive? If that's the case, jumping into the marriage talk seems like a rush.

I've always been of the mindset of 'being engaged for a year' so the fact that he's leaving in a year and might want to get married first...? red flag. Unless he's just signing up for active duty in a year, and then not immediately leaving.

Some military men rush into marriage, particularly before they leave, because they want to have someone back home waiting for them when they get back. This is NOT a knock against military men. I have friends in every branch, and I'm dating a guy in the military right now. But I have gotten that impression from some of them over the years.

I don't understand where he is expecting you to live if you go with him? Where in the military process is he? If he has to do boot camp first, you wouldn't be living with him. (I'm not 100% sure how the NAVY works.)

Military life can be hard on families. A spouse is gone for extended periods of time, you'll be at home essentially a single mom, etc. Again, this is not a knock on military life or military guys. You do need to think about it a lot before you rush into things though, especially considering you already have a child.

Personally, I wouldn't be concerned about the military lifestyle. Obviously tons of families make it work, so it all depends on you and how well you can roll with the punches. But don't look at it as if it is all sunshine and flowers. It's hard being home while your loved one is away. It's hard worrying about them, wondering if they're going to make it back to you safely. It is not a romantic movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's the choice of words, but your original post raises red flags for me. Granted, I have no idea how old you or your bf are, how long you've been together, etc.

You're "starting" to date seriously. Does that mean you've been dating casually, and now are exclusive? If that's the case, jumping into the marriage talk seems like a rush.

I've always been of the mindset of 'being engaged for a year' so the fact that he's leaving in a year and might want to get married first...? red flag. Unless he's just signing up for active duty in a year, and then not immediately leaving.

Some military men rush into marriage, particularly before they leave, because they want to have someone back home waiting for them when they get back. This is NOT a knock against military men. I have friends in every branch, and I'm dating a guy in the military right now. But I have gotten that impression from some of them over the years.

I don't understand where he is expecting you to live if you go with him? Where in the military process is he? If he has to do boot camp first, you wouldn't be living with him. (I'm not 100% sure how the NAVY works.)

Military life can be hard on families. A spouse is gone for extended periods of time, you'll be at home essentially a single mom, etc. Again, this is not a knock on military life or military guys. You do need to think about it a lot before you rush into things though, especially considering you already have a child.

Personally, I wouldn't be concerned about the military lifestyle. Obviously tons of families make it work, so it all depends on you and how well you can roll with the punches. But don't look at it as if it is all sunshine and flowers. It's hard being home while your loved one is away. It's hard worrying about them, wondering if they're going to make it back to you safely. It is not a romantic movie.

OP here. We have been together for a year but have known each other for two years.

I am not traditional in a sense of wanting to be engaged for a year before marriage, or wanting an actual wedding, just to go to the courts. He is the exact same way also. We are young I suppose, 25 and 26.

He has already been through boot camp last summer, and he is now in school, and that will be completed this year, so active duty next year.

He is not the type to rush into a marriage just because he is joining the military. He was actually not wanting to date or be with anyone when he knew he was serious about the military because he knew it would be hard to carry on a relationship. Well, we ended up falling for each other and now we are wanting to get serious (married). Neither of us know of anyone in the military so asking someone close how it is, is not an option.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on how you view marriage. Are you okay with your significant other being gone for extended periods of time? Are you okay with taking the primary burden on child-rearing? How well does your child react to change? Will you still feel fulfilled if you can't work outside the home?

[Anonymous]

Go into it with both eyes open. Being married to a military spouse involves challenges that most married couples don't have to face. It can be even more challenging when children are involved. It's a whole different way of life. My DH and I got married at age 24 when he was active duty Air Force. We were stationed in Oklahoma City at first. Soon after we were married he was sent to South Korea for a year, unaccompanied. So I was on my own for a year. When he came back we were sent to Delaware, and later on he was deployed to Saudi Arabia. So there was always change, unpredictability, crazy work schedules and we had to roll with those. I always had a job so that helped keep me sane.

There's an old saying that if the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one. The military will always come first, and anyone who marries into it needs to understand and accept that. We chose not to have children while he was still in the service because we both felt it would be unfair to put the burden on me while he was gone. After 9 years in, he decided there were better opportunities for his career field in the civilian world so we separated from the Air Force and put down roots in the DC area and started our family.

We saw many young couples struggling in their marriages because they were not ready to deal with the very real challenges of married life in the military. It takes a lot of maturity, sacrifice, and teamwork, especially when there are kids involved. So long story short, learn as much as you can about military life and marriage, be aware of the challenges you may face and be ready to meet them. If you two are serious about being together and making it work, you'll be successful. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Former Navy Officer here. Female, if that matters.

Navy life is HARD for spouses. Depending on what your future husband does in the Navy, there will be a lot of extended deployments--the Navy deploys more (during peacetime) than any other branch of service. Sometimes up to 80% of the year if your Special Ops or Submarine Forces. On top of that, since he just completed boot camp and his first training school, he is very low ranking. That means very low pay. And yes, you will be moving often, unless you can homeport in VA Beach or San Diego and he can manage to stay there for extended periods. (Those are the 2 largest Navy bases). But that depends on what he does in the Navy, which you didn't mention.

Many enlisted qualify for WIC and food stamps, to give you a perspective of just how underpaid junior enlisted military personnel are. The divorce rate is high.

I know I sound very doom and gloom, but I've been there, and seen it. If you have more specific info and questions, post them and I'll try to answer.

BTW, my DH is a Marine officer. It's not any better in that branch, and I suspect it's pretty across the board. The Air Force is a bit easier on some fronts (deployments during peace time, for instance). But everything else is about the same.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the previous poster. I am the former USAF spouse who posted above. Pay for the lower ranks (especially enlisted ranks) is abysmal. Yes, there are benefits like healthcare, commissary and base housing but many young military couples still struggle with finances and credit issues. Even harder when there are kids in the picture. You wouldn't believe how many military families use food stamps and WIC. Domestic violence, infidelity, high divorce rates....the stresses of military life contribute to all of these. DH and I were fortunate to not have to deal with wartime deployments, though he did go to Saudi after 9/11 and it was stressful. Depending on your significant other's rank (you didn't mention whether he's an officer or enlisted) and career field, he could be away from home a lot - it is true that the Navy deploys more often. You'll be moving around a lot. Before you take the plunge and marry into the military, you've got to decide whether this is a lifestyle that you can live with. It's a culture all its own and not everyone can adapt well to it. It all depends on you and your SO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go into it with both eyes open. Being married to a military spouse involves challenges that most married couples don't have to face. It can be even more challenging when children are involved. It's a whole different way of life. My DH and I got married at age 24 when he was active duty Air Force. We were stationed in Oklahoma City at first. Soon after we were married he was sent to South Korea for a year, unaccompanied. So I was on my own for a year. When he came back we were sent to Delaware, and later on he was deployed to Saudi Arabia. So there was always change, unpredictability, crazy work schedules and we had to roll with those. I always had a job so that helped keep me sane.

There's an old saying that if the military wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one. The military will always come first, and anyone who marries into it needs to understand and accept that. We chose not to have children while he was still in the service because we both felt it would be unfair to put the burden on me while he was gone. After 9 years in, he decided there were better opportunities for his career field in the civilian world so we separated from the Air Force and put down roots in the DC area and started our family.

We saw many young couples struggling in their marriages because they were not ready to deal with the very real challenges of married life in the military. It takes a lot of maturity, sacrifice, and teamwork, especially when there are kids involved. So long story short, learn as much as you can about military life and marriage, be aware of the challenges you may face and be ready to meet them. If you two are serious about being together and making it work, you'll be successful. Good luck!

OP here. Thank you so much for sharing your information. I had no idea that it could really be a whole year by myself, and not be able to be with him. That would be kind of hard and actually, pretty depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former Navy Officer here. Female, if that matters.

Navy life is HARD for spouses. Depending on what your future husband does in the Navy, there will be a lot of extended deployments--the Navy deploys more (during peacetime) than any other branch of service. Sometimes up to 80% of the year if your Special Ops or Submarine Forces. On top of that, since he just completed boot camp and his first training school, he is very low ranking. That means very low pay. And yes, you will be moving often, unless you can homeport in VA Beach or San Diego and he can manage to stay there for extended periods. (Those are the 2 largest Navy bases). But that depends on what he does in the Navy, which you didn't mention.

Many enlisted qualify for WIC and food stamps, to give you a perspective of just how underpaid junior enlisted military personnel are. The divorce rate is high.

I know I sound very doom and gloom, but I've been there, and seen it. If you have more specific info and questions, post them and I'll try to answer.

BTW, my DH is a Marine officer. It's not any better in that branch, and I suspect it's pretty across the board. The Air Force is a bit easier on some fronts (deployments during peace time, for instance). But everything else is about the same.

Dentistry in the Navy. Do you have any insight on this?

[Anonymous]

Former Navy Officer.

Again, I'm assuming he's enlisted because you mentioned boot camp. I doubt you'd confuse officer candidate school/ROTC with boot camp, but I could be wrong--so you'll need to correct me if I am.

In dentistry/medical corp, it will depend on where you're stationed. If he gets a shore tour, then no, he won't deploy. Your lifestyle will be much more "normal" than if here were on a destroyer, for example. However, he could be assigned to a Marine unit that deploys. He could still be assigned to a ship, as many of them also have dental units. Or a hospital ship such as the Mercy or the Comfort, both of which deploy on humanitarian missions. It's hard to say without more specifics.

But generally speaking, I'd say that you'd have less stress with him in that career field than with many others. But you'll still have some of financial ones, potentially. What rank is he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former Navy Officer here. Female, if that matters.

Navy life is HARD for spouses. Depending on what your future husband does in the Navy, there will be a lot of extended deployments--the Navy deploys more (during peacetime) than any other branch of service. Sometimes up to 80% of the year if your Special Ops or Submarine Forces. On top of that, since he just completed boot camp and his first training school, he is very low ranking. That means very low pay. And yes, you will be moving often, unless you can homeport in VA Beach or San Diego and he can manage to stay there for extended periods. (Those are the 2 largest Navy bases). But that depends on what he does in the Navy, which you didn't mention.

Many enlisted qualify for WIC and food stamps, to give you a perspective of just how underpaid junior enlisted military personnel are. The divorce rate is high.

I know I sound very doom and gloom, but I've been there, and seen it. If you have more specific info and questions, post them and I'll try to answer.

BTW, my DH is a Marine officer. It's not any better in that branch, and I suspect it's pretty across the board. The Air Force is a bit easier on some fronts (deployments during peace time, for instance). But everything else is about the same.

Dentistry in the Navy. Do you have any insight on this?

Grew up a Navy brat, my dad was a surgeon. Born in Portsmouth, childhood in San Diego. From my perspective, it CAN be pretty great for a family. Military families form tight communities and look out for each other. My DH grew up an AF brat on bases in Italy and England.

By no means do I want to contradict the other posters, but there are some real pluses to military life.