My family just makes me cry

[Anonymous]

DD has pretty bad ADHD -- it affects not only schoolwork but her ability to interact, regulate emotions, express herself, etc. She doesn't have the "H" part so a lot of people don't recognize what's going in. This has been a long struggle with lots of heartache and misdiagnoses. I finally feel like we are on track to helping her.

My family has been so incredibly unsupportive about this. My brother -- a musician who claims to have been diagnosed with ADHD a number of years ago -- had no reaction to the news of her dx beyond saying not to put her on meds because they made him incapable of doing anything but "spreadsheets" (his shorthand for saying meds take away your creativity). My dad and stepmother don't believe it's true. I feel like they don't want to admit it because then they'd be asked to offer financial help for therapy etc. (Not true -- we are covering that ourselves of course.)

Since her dx, no one has asked how she's doing or how we're doing or inquired at all. (Except for my mom who has been generally supportive but has had health problems of her own.)

I'm barely speaking to anyone now -- in fact, not speaking to my brother at all. I just feel like this has been so hard, I just can't talk to them if they aren't going to be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Firstly, I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. But, it may help you to cope with your family by realizing that you can't control how others think - they don't have all the same experiences and knowledge about it that you do. Try not to expect so much of them. It's too far removed from them, plus they all have their own issues to deal with.

Last year I had a cancer diagnosis and there was a period of uncertainty about how bad it would be (I'm in remission now). At times I felt let down that others didn't understand how I was feeling - even my spouse. But then I realized that I can't expect them to fully understand because they don't see it from my perspective. Letting go of those expectations helped a lot.

Try and enjoy your family and take them for who they are - I'm sure they all love you and your child, but they may not know the best things to say or do all the time.

[Anonymous]

I have an ADHD kid and I really don't expect extended family to get involved. In fact it's not something we've really even discussed with family, except for one grandparent. In my view ADHD diagnoses are a relatively recent phenomenon and people who don't have young children (although mine is now in high school) really don't understand it. Even those with young children but who don't have ADHD don't get it and can have misperceptions about it. I know it's hard when it can be so all consuming for parents.

It can be helpful to let people know why she may behave or react in a certain way, and how to effectively interact with her. But I wouldn't expect much beyond that.

[Anonymous]

What do you want them to be doing? If you need more support, ask for it. It sounds to me like they are there for you, you just are expecting something different. If so, tell them. She wasn't diagnosed with cancer; she's not dying; she just has a fairly common issue that it is assumed that you will be trying to manage. I certainly wouldn't be doing anything differently than them if in their shoes. Unless you ask for and define "support," don't expect it.

[Anonymous]

Be careful not to set them up for failure in your eyes. You are hurt and struggling and there's no one to blame and no one can do enough to make it better, so they fail. I agree with PP, if there is something specific you want from them, ask. And maybe you have to lower expectations. My family is never supportive and I just understand that and don't expect it. Makes my life easier that way.

[Anonymous]

I think what you might be experiencing in reality is, "My situation with a neuro-atypical child makes me want to cry."

I've been there so I'm not minimizing THAT.

However, you really need to let go of the idea that you can shift some of the psychic burden to your extended family. Your expectations seem out of kilter and too high, but you don't realize it because you're down in the trenches with your DD.

Would it be lovely if your inlaws routinely read all the emerging studies on childhood brain development and then called you to engage in a supportive conversation about the newest therapies for your DD? Yes! it would. But that's expecting too much.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Well, my dad is a child psychologist with special neuropsych training who does this kind of testing as a living, so it is hurtful that he refuses to really acknowledge it within his own family. (Although kind of a pattern for him through the years ...)

I don't expect them to make it better, or be up on the latest treatments, but I think that's different from their dismissing it or making off-hand negative comments about treatment.

[Anonymous]

I understand feeling disappointed in your family. It sounds like they suck. But my family is straight up batshit crazy- all except my mom but she died 20 years ago. I just got back from 4 days in the hospital and no one visited me once or sent flowers except my husband. My family lives right in the area. Families just suck and they are very often unsupportive. We all have our cross to bear. My kid has Tourette Syndrome, OCD, ADD and seriously no one acknowledges it or even believes it. They can look right at her and see her ticcing and behaving strangely in so many ways and they don't even see it. They are just in their own worlds of narcissism and my response is to try to separate from that, live my life the way I choose, accept them as they are, and expect very little from them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand what you're going through and it is really hard. And I think 10:42 makes a very good point. In some ways it is easier to channel anger and frustration into the family situation than the child's reality. But I do think one has to try to let go of certain expectations.

My situation is not as bad in that my extended family is generally very positive but the denial is still there and makes things awkward and difficult in so many different ways (not the least of which is the implication that certain behaviors must stem from either bad parenting or bad character). Anyway, it's tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:(not the least of which is the implication that certain behaviors must stem from either bad parenting or bad character)

THIS, THIS, THIS!

Until having a special needs child, I was under the naive impression that a child was mostly a product of nurture with a little nature thrown in there.

I now understand just how large the nature piece is. With my kiddo, it is HUGE.

I could be the best parent in the world and my kid would still throw things from the shelves in the grocery store, climb on the tables in waiting rooms, and smear ice cream on her face at restaurants. My parenting has nothing to do with her desire to do these things. We stop what we can and correct what we can, but she will never be the kid who sits quietly and plays with a toy nicely and patiently.

I try to tell myself that the people (including familiy members) who give me those looks like my child's issues stem from bad parenting are just under the same naive impression I was under before I had kids. They just don't know any better. It still sucks to be dealing with this, but I do find that when I explain DC's issues and people actually see me parent over time, the comments lessen to a large degree. Most people aren't mean (there are exceptions), but just clueless about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well, my dad is a child psychologist with special neuropsych training who does this kind of testing as a living, so it is hurtful that he refuses to really acknowledge it within his own family. (Although kind of a pattern for him through the years ...)

I don't expect them to make it better, or be up on the latest treatments, but I think that's different from their dismissing it or making off-hand negative comments about treatment.

Unfortunately, OP, I have found that in my own family those with medical knowledge have been the worst at accepting/acknowledging my daughter's disability. It's as if their patients were somehow separate from "real life." I also think it is very hard for grandparents to accept that they have produced less than perfect children and grandchildren. These things happen in someone else's family.

[Anonymous]

Your family cannot give you the support you need. You need to find friends with whom you can share this burden. Maybe someone here could recommend a support group for parents with special needs or ADHD so that you can find people whose children have similar issues. You can get what you want and need from others. Just because your family cannot provide the support you need doesn't mean the support doesn't exist.
Sorry I don't have the name of a support group in the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand feeling disappointed in your family. It sounds like they suck. But my family is straight up batshit crazy- all except my mom but she died 20 years ago. I just got back from 4 days in the hospital and no one visited me once or sent flowers except my husband. My family lives right in the area. Families just suck and they are very often unsupportive. We all have our cross to bear. My kid has Tourette Syndrome, OCD, ADD and seriously no one acknowledges it or even believes it. They can look right at her and see her ticcing and behaving strangely in so many ways and they don't even see it. They are just in their own worlds of narcissism and my response is to try to separate from that, live my life the way I choose, accept them as they are, and expect very little from them.

Are we related? Cause this sounds so much like my family, I had to laugh (even though, trust me, I know it isn't funny).

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I have found that the only people who truly "get it" are not those with special degrees or blood ties, but only those who "live it."

My own family is filled with medical professional and teachers. When my DD had a life-threatening peanut allergy, sister in law did not believe in it, and kept Reese's peanut butter cups in reach of my 3 year old at family gatherings. When she was diagnosed with dyslexia, the teacher in the family thought I was overreacting because I resorted to private tutoring. I have two children, with a multitude of LDs and medical issues and I know from the outside looking in, people (even family) think that I overreact and that my kids are overdiagnosed. And they have shown no interest or compassion in what I have been through the past 13 years. And yes, the fact that they are highly educated makes it even more disappointing. But they have no personal dealings with special needs, and so over the years I have found I just can't talk with them about it and go elsewhere (like anonymous discussion boards!) to get emotional support.

So just know you are not alone....

[Anonymous]

THanks, PPs. You make me feel better.

I think I will attend a CHADD meeting and see if I can find some local moral support.