SO annoyances re bragging parents

[Anonymous]

1- What's your reaction when you see a clearly advanced child but the parents seem chilled?

2- What's your reaction when the parent brags and the kid is indeed brag worth?

[Anonymous]

I don't consider statements about what the child is actually doing to be bragging, and they generally don't bother me. I think there needs to be room for people to be proud of their kids (or interested in or entertained by them). I find it somewhat self-centered for parents to go on about their kids all the time, but for me that's a violation of a different social norm about conversations. Certainly any time I ask for information, the answer is not bragging (e.g. "What's Janie up to these days?" "She's really into her piano playing, she even wrote a little song herself the other day!").

I think the norms around bragging are very regional, and the Northeast dominates in setting the tone in this area. Anything that might make someone else feel bad because they aren't as good at it or don't have as much of it is categorized as bragging. While I agree that it's best to err on the side of keeping your mouth shut about your own achievements (and always about material items), I give a lot of leeway for parents talking about their children. It's exciting and fun to watch them grow, no less so because millions of other parents have already reared millions of other kids; it can be hard to observe adult norms of reticence about them.

I find the competitive desire to be much more annoying, e.g. parents asking about how your kid is doing as a foil to then tell you how their kid is doing or to find out how the kids measure up to each other. The difference between friends who care and people who are just looking to compare is evident in the look of either relief (their kid is better) or sour pursed mouth (their kid is not) that follows the information. I do think that making implications or assumptions about what's going to happen in the future based on what's going on now is an annoying behavior and something akin to bragging (e.g. talking about your belief that your child will have no problem going to one of the Ivies because he won the science fair in 8th grade). Even then, I give a lot of leeway for parents' hopes and worries, and a lot depends on whether you're friends or not. I expect to talk with my friends about high school, class choices, hopes and fears for college, and what they think their child's chances of going out-of-state are when we get to that stage. Do I really care about these things from the person sitting next to me at the soccer game? Not really, but I can see how they occupy a parent's mind (and this goes back to the self-centered but not necessarily bragging distinction).

[Anonymous]

PP here: can you tell that the DCUM bragging obsession has sparked some conversations in our household?

[Anonymous]

What do you mean "chilled"? Like laid back and not helping the advanced child along? Or just letting the child be him/herself and developing normally?

I don't think it's bragging if it comes up in conversation. Now if someone said "oh, my 1 year old Janie has started telling me she has to go potty" and the other person said "well, my Judy was already potty trained AND reading novels at 1" is another thing. It's all about the context. In my opinion at least.

[Anonymous]

1- What's your reaction when you see a clearly advanced child but the parents seem chilled?

I thought this was an intriguing question so I gave it some sincere thought and .... I have honestly never seen a clearly advanced child with chill parents. There are some stealth ones out there that may present as nonchalant, but the ones I know are all maneuvering somehow behind the scenes. I'm talking about school-age kids now, with quantifiable skills, not babies who pull up a little early.

2- What's your reaction when the parent brags and the kid is indeed brag worth?

I stare at them as the keep talking -- because they will always keep on talking -- and when there's a break in their monologue I say "Oh. Great!" and I make my eyebrows go up in that "I'm interested!" expression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't think it's bragging if it comes up in conversation. Now if someone said "oh, my 1 year old Janie has started telling me she has to go potty" and the other person said "well, my Judy was already potty trained AND reading novels at 1" is another thing. It's all about the context. In my opinion at least.

Ditto.

Also, it's different talking to your friends, vs. talking to casual acquaintances or posting on DCUM. Of course you can share stuff you're proud of with your close friends, that's what they're for!

But when you're dealing with casual acquaintances, or when you're talking to strangers on DCUM, it's another kettle of fish. This is when the poster who comes online to tell a bunch of anonymous strangers about her kid's WPSSI, for no good reason, seems obnoxious. On DCUM:

- You're not bragging if there's a reason to mention your kid's WPSSI (somebody wants to know how kids get into a top private school). You're being helpful.

- You're bragging if you come on here anonymously and drop your kid's high WPSSI for no good reason.

[Anonymous]

1- What's your reaction when you see a clearly advanced child but the parents seem chilled?

Wow! Do you have any idea how advanced Marty is? He's incredible (not in front of the child). I say that maybe once or twice, then drop it.

2- What's your reaction when the parent brags and the kid is indeed brag worth?

Wow! he's amazing! That's so cool!

[Anonymous]

I would qualify as a parent with a "clearly advanced" child. (BTW, I have two other children who are completely average. ) Said advanced child has met very clear objective advanced criteria, so it is not me "bragging." I probably present as "chilling" because I almost never discuss DC's achievements with anyone but close friends, but agree with PP that behind the scenes, I'm not chilled. Not in the sense of being overbearing to my child, but in the sense that I personally feel that I am too overinvested in how DC does, and that too much of our family life revolves around DC's achievements, because they consume a lot of time.

All that being said, if I did happen to mention what my advanced child is up to, it would be absurd for someone to characterize it as "bragging"; it would merely be stating a fact. Maybe it would be bragging if I said something like "Gee, DC just won another cello competition--wow, you must really wish your child were as musically talented and as hardworking as mine!" But it isn't bragging if someone says, "Wow, at the school assembly DC played the cello so well; how much does he practice and what is he up to? and I respond factually, "Well, he practices X hours/day, and he's working right now on preparing for an upcoming musical performance out-of-state."

(BTW, my child doesn't play cello, I was just using that as an example.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

All that being said, if I did happen to mention what my advanced child is up to, it would be absurd for someone to characterize it as "bragging"; it would merely be stating a fact. Maybe it would be bragging if I said something like "Gee, DC just won another cello competition--wow, you must really wish your child were as musically talented and as hardworking as mine!" But it isn't bragging if someone says, "Wow, at the school assembly DC played the cello so well; how much does he practice and what is he up to? and I respond factually, "Well, he practices X hours/day, and he's working right now on preparing for an upcoming musical performance out-of-state."

(BTW, my child doesn't play cello, I was just using that as an example.)

It's enough to say "DC just won another state cello competition" on DCUM, if there's no reason to put that out there. You don't even need to follow it up with "don't you wish your kid is just like mine?" which I doubt anybody with even one social brain cell would ever do anyway, so that's a bit of a straw man.

Instead, if there's a thread on what schools have the best music instruction, and you jump in with "my kid just won..." without bothering to contribute to the ongoing discussion about whether VA public schools or certain private schools provide better music instruction, then it's bragging. If you said, "my kid just won the competition because we avoid the school teachers and got a private teacher," that would be helpful. But sometimes posters on DCUM contribute only to boast, instead of contributing to help with the conversation.

[Anonymous]

12:15 again. I totally agree with you, PP, but what I often find is that even when people have a legitimate reason for mentioning "DC just won a state cello competition," others are quick to jump in and accuse that person of bragging, even when it isn't so. I've never heard someone say something like that without any context whatsoever, so I think your comment about a parent saying it for no reason was also a bit of a straw man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:15 again. I totally agree with you, PP, but what I often find is that even when people have a legitimate reason for mentioning "DC just won a state cello competition," others are quick to jump in and accuse that person of bragging, even when it isn't so. I've never heard someone say something like that without any context whatsoever, so I think your comment about a parent saying it for no reason was also a bit of a straw man.

I've seen it, so we'll have to differ on this.

[Anonymous]

13:01 here. Check out the private school forum for this sort of context-less bragging. I think a lot of the subtext for the present discussion may have been what goes on in the private school forum.

[Anonymous]

All that being said, if I did happen to mention what my advanced child is up to, it would be absurd for someone to characterize it as "bragging"; it would merely be stating a fact. Maybe it would be bragging if I said something like "Gee, DC just won another cello competition--wow, you must really wish your child were as musically talented and as hardworking as mine!" But it isn't bragging if someone says, "Wow, at the school assembly DC played the cello so well; how much does he practice and what is he up to? and I respond factually, "Well, he practices X hours/day, and he's working right now on preparing for an upcoming musical performance out-of-state."

I think the devil is in the details. In this common example you use, just how many "facts" are offered can push the response into braggart territory.

I am not prepared to announce how many details qualify as O.K. and how many more details push it into "oh my god, shut up already" territory. However, many of us listeners sense when a line has been crossed.

I'm thinking of a recent conversation I had with a parent in the class. I know her son is already practicing with an elite try-out squad that draws from 4 states. We were picking up kids from a party and, simply to make conversation, I asked how Billy's "ballet" has been going, has he been unusually busy with "ballet"? Real open-ended question that was frankly intended to fill time. Perceptive parents realize this.

So, realizing that this question was probably not meant to solicit hard data about Billy's ballet stats, or the results of his most recent competition, and where he ranks against other ballet stars in the Mid-Atlantic ... Mom replied that Billy was indeed busier than usual, they have been traveling a lot to his ballets in NC, MD and PA in fact. He does love the ballet, so for now it's worth it. She worries about him balancing school work and ballet, she said.

It would have been "factual" for her to reply instead, Oh, yes, we HAVE been busier than usual. Billy's team just won the N.C. 12-under ballet championship in Charlotte, that's why we weren't at the school BBQ last week. Then a scout spotted Billy in Charlotte and asked us to sign a retainer with CoachX to develop Billy's skills even more because they think Billy has a shot at the ballet jr. olympics.

Is that bragging? Or a factual answer to my question? or just a lack of social skills/filter? or ... all 3?

[Anonymous]

I find no one minds my bragging because my son is very good looking.

[Anonymous]

I don't care either way as long as they aren't putting down my child. Good for them for being chill or braggy. Doesn't affect me either freaking way.