Two Household Families as Kids Become Teens

[Anonymous]

I'd love some been there/done that advice from folks in two family households who have teens. My husband and I are currently discussing changing expectations for his son (my 11 yo DSS). Obviously dad and mom make the rules, but I'm my husbands support and I'd love to know what has worked for others.

The specific issue is that dad and mom have pretty much had independant households from the time they divorced, when DSS was 2. There is no overt hoslity between them, but communication is at a minimum and they have completely separate rules and expectations at each household. (Note, I'm aware of nothing that goes on at his mom's house that I would think of as unreasonable, just different) That works fine with a preschooler and elementary schooler. But, from an outside perspective, I can see trouble down the rode as teen issues start to come up.

Some examples. DSS wanted an Itouch. We said no (didn't want him to have unfettered internet access). His mom got him one. We then decided that since he already had one, we'd let him use it here, rather than taking it away. Recently, he asked his dad for a facebook account. As the internet savvy one, I was the one to set it up (its bascially his "dads" account but dss is the only one to update it and accept friends). But, his dad told me that he wasn't going to talk to DSS's mom about it at all. Again, not my call, but I'm really uncomfortable with this. I have a feeling DSS's mom wouldn't approve and I don't like him being in the position of either hiding it from his mom or getting in trouble because his dad said it was ok. PLus, it means we really can't say anything if she sets him up with accounts or technology that we don't want in our house. (he's now asking for twitter!)

Latest issue is a laptop. They are allowed (but not encourged) to take one to school next year. DSS really wanted one, but we said no. His mom got him one but won't let him take it to our house. (Again, fine with us. And, since it can't go to school yet, not an issue this year) This isn't a safety issue, as he has the itouch, as much as it seems like an unneeded extravagence. He's still asking for one for his birthday, but we've said he can have our old desktop for his school work but doesn't need another lap top. (I have no idea if he will be allowed to take it to school next year)

I really wish DH would just sit down and discuss these issues and obvious future ones with his ex. Next year, middle school, many of the kids will have cell phones. I can't see DSS having two cells phones! (is two cars in our future!)

People who have been there....how have you navigated this transition? I know DH is very happy not having much contact with his ex, but I just can't see this being sustainable in the future.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to grow a pair and you need to MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Op here. That's not really helpful. As I was very clear about, dh is the final decider on rules for his son. However, we discuss these decisions together. Aside from just a knee jerk slam of step moms, I'm not sure how encouraging him to discuss things with his ex is such an awful thing.

[Anonymous]

11 is too young for Facebook in my view.
Children are supposed to be 13 to be on Facebook.
Parents should have AUDIT access. Friending a user does not let you see what the child's friends are doing and saying.

Laptop: We said no? This child has three parents. I agree with PP that you are way too involved with his. You SS HAS to be able to bring the laptop to your house next year because he will have homework on it. Good grief!

This sounds like a terrible dynamic for a preteen who is soon going to be trying to pit parents against one another. These two parents need a parenting plan. Around the corner: Going out after school with friends alone. Being invited to parties where the parents are either not home or are upstairs on the third floor while the teens are in the basement. Teens lie to parents. What will the consequence be if dad learns that DS lied to his mother while at dad's place? Breaks curfew while at mom's but it's the day before going to dad's? No consequence until he gets back to mom's? That's not the most effective. The time for parents to talk more is adolescence. And a teen really only needs two parents. My child's teen friends complain about steps and SO's that are too involved.

[Anonymous]

I have not personally experienced this, but I have watched my siblings navigate the situation with kids from babies through adulthood. In my extended family, the situation was basically as you describe in your current family. It worked out just fine with no significant problems. I can't say there were any double purchases (ie, one cellphone, one ipod, one laptop). For the big ticket items, both parents did contribute though. Also, there were never secrets. Of course, they played their parents off each other to the extent they could, just like every kid does. Growing up, every kid knows when to ask mom and when to ask dad.

The one thing we didn't encounter though is parents with different fundamental values - for example, one who allowed alcohol at parties and one who didn't. If that is the case, I imagine that would have the potential to create problems.

[Anonymous]

11:18 here again. I've got a teen, two household situation. Believe me, folks on the outside, including siblings, do not know how intense it can be!
As for Facebook, really make sure mom or dad checks it regularly. That is, logs in with a password and reads what is being posted by others. My child used it at age 13 and I could not believe what some of DC's classmates were posting.
Also, did you lie about his age? You must have, no?
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/12/technology/internet/12underage.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11 is too young for Facebook in my view.
Children are supposed to be 13 to be on Facebook.
Parents should have AUDIT access. Friending a user does not let you see what the child's friends are doing and saying.

Laptop: We said no? This child has three parents. I agree with PP that you are way too involved with his. You SS HAS to be able to bring the laptop to your house next year because he will have homework on it. Good grief!

This sounds like a terrible dynamic for a preteen who is soon going to be trying to pit parents against one another. These two parents need a parenting plan. Around the corner: Going out after school with friends alone. Being invited to parties where the parents are either not home or are upstairs on the third floor while the teens are in the basement. Teens lie to parents. What will the consequence be if dad learns that DS lied to his mother while at dad's place? Breaks curfew while at mom's but it's the day before going to dad's? No consequence until he gets back to mom's? That's not the most effective. The time for parents to talk more is adolescence. And a teen really only needs two parents. My child's teen friends complain about steps and SO's that are too involved.

OP here. Again, I don't know how many times I can stress that DH is the final decider on all these things. DSS asks his dad. His dad may discuss things with me. And his dad talks to DSS. I actually agree with you on facebook. I wouldn't have allowed it. But DH thinks it is ok. DH actually has the password and checks the account directly. He doesn't have a facebook account of his own and DSS is clear that it is dad's account and that DSS is using it only as long as he follows the rules that dad set up. I happen to be more internet savvy than DH, so I was the one who tutored DH on what those rules should be. (Only friend people you know in person. Do not post anything you would not wany anyone else to see. Do not change the passwords or security set-up, etc) I do not go in the account. I don't know the password.

As far as the lap top, it is DSS's mom that is making the decisions about where it can and cannot go. If his mom lets him bring it to school and/or to our house, I can't imagine we will object. At this point, however, the school won't allow it in school, and his mom won't let him bring it directly to our house, so its a moot point. If it had school work on it, that would be totally different. But, right now, it doesn't (as he can't bring it to school!), so it's mainly a point of deciding how much expensive technology DH wants DSS to have.

[Anonymous]

Op - thanks for wasting our time.

[Anonymous]

Oh, one more thing from OP.

My husband and I run all expensive purchases by each other. So, while I say "we" said he couldn't get a Macbook, it was his dad that he asked and his dad that said no. (this was in a context of asking for several, very expensive birthday gifts, of which he did get one). But, my husband would also ask me before he would go and buy a new computer for himself! So, its not a matter of me making the call as a third parent, but us making the call together because its a huge expense.

[Anonymous]

You wouldn't have allowed Facebook but you set it up. It involves a lie. Terrible example. It sounds like DH is not monitoring the account. Make sure he is monitoring it.

I found crazy stuff on my son's account, including a niece who was posting insane stuff and a classmate who posted a provocative poster and other stuff. And my son was 13.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're right to be concerned. I don't think you're wasting anyone's time, nor do I think it's none of your business.

Now, how to actually get your husband and your child's biomom to talk? No clue. But yes, they're headed for trouble.

FWIW, as a joint custody biomom, I recognize that steps are additional and beneficial adults it the household and ideally ought to have a place on the page everyone is hopefully on at the same time. I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about where this is headed and how he and she need to get on the same page, and keep having it.

[Anonymous]

I think it's mean that OP and her husband won't let the boy take the laptop to their house. You are punishing the boy for having two homes. Really, think about this. What point are you making to him? You're making the point to the mother. But you are putting the child in the mother.

I also think she is not going to get the two parents to change. I also think it was wrong for her to sign up the boy on Facebook.

[Anonymous]

The child in the MIDDLE is what I meant to write.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's mean that OP and her husband won't let the boy take the laptop to their house. You are punishing the boy for having two homes. Really, think about this. What point are you making to him? You're making the point to the mother. But you are putting the child in the mother.

I also think she is not going to get the two parents to change. I also think it was wrong for her to sign up the boy on Facebook.

OP here. It's biomom that won't let him bring the laptop here. He's not allowed to bring it to school this year either (school rule) I have no idea if she wont let him take it out of the house or just wont let him bring it here. She's generala a reasonable person, so I'd assume if he starts using it at school he will be allowed to take it to our house.

His dad doesn't object to his having a laptop per se. He just explained that since dss has use of a computer here and cannot take it to school, we thought it was unneccesary.

Again, I agree with you about facebook. But, it's not my call. I suggested that dh at least talk to his ex about it. So I figured if I set up the account, at least it would be as safe as possible. The account is with his dads name, alerts to his dads email, his dad has the password. It's also unsearchable. I tutored dad on all the privacy settings.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Sorry I misunderstood the laptop situation. I absolutely see where you are coming from and it's a good place but as an ex with a very difficult ex, I think your husband and his ex have made their choice. It's pretty common, as little contact or coordination as possible. It's not what I want, but my child's father does. I never thought I would be in such a weird situation with another human being.