Two Household Families as Kids Become Teens

[Anonymous]

OP - I could have written your post, save for a few different details.

It is a challenge. To the extent your DH and ex can open up the lines of communication, it will be a benefit to your son. My DH and his ex regularly meet and talk about issues. They agree on very little of the details, but they talk, and agree on the big picture, and I think that is key.

While 11 is very young for facebook, in a two-household family, you don't have all the control. If he is going to get one anyways, IMO, better to be involved, teach him how to use it. Make a requirement of facebook be that you have the password. I would take this a step further and suggest that both mom and dad have the password, and they present a joint front.

Even better would be to present a united front and not let him get FB yet, but if that is not your option, its just not.

This only gets harder...

[Anonymous]

NP here. Not sure why you aren't getting more helpful/sympathetic responses OP, I actually think that you shound like the kind of step-mom that I would love for my kids to have- involved, but aware of your role, considerate of DSS's mom but not trying too hard to be "buddy-buddy."

Anyway, as far as your question. Yes, DH and his ex need to get on the same page quickly. Frankly, it sounds like DSS has already picked up on the dynamic that they have and is manipulating it to his advantage (what 11 yo needs two laptops?) This will only get worse as he gets older- what teenagers need most is consistent, firm, loving limits and it doesn't sound like your current situation would be able to propvide that. Also, not sure if you have children with your DH, but if so, DSS's behavior will set precedents for them as well.

I suggest that DH and ex-wife go to therapy/mediation to try to get on a better foot with co-parenting. You didn't say how long you have been "stepping it," but if you've been involved for more than 5 years (since DSS was 6) then I would say that it is also appropriate for you to be there. Perhaps you could do some research on potential therapists/mediators and proivde that info to DH at the same time that you have a serious discussion with him about DSS. Despite some of the responses that you've gotten here, DSS is your business because he lives in your home and you accepted the responsibility to help raise him when you got married. Yes, you need to be considerate of boundaries, but that does not mean being absent.

Good luck, the teenage years suck, and getting through them with sanity, grace and an intact relationship takes a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

10:59 Are you divorced?

[Anonymous]

So many people don't understand what it is like to be a stepmom and to be in the middle.I am part of a group of step moms that meet once a month at the Irish inn in glen echo to discuss situations similar to this. We can be found on meet up.com under the md/dc/va stepmother group. It has been so helpful to talk with other step moms who can rally understand what we are going through...you should check it out.