Wedding Invite Situation

[Anonymous]

I got married two years ago and invited one of my good friends from college and her boyfriend. We were very close in college but had understandably kind of lost touch since. We were also in the same sorority. She RSVP'd no to the wedding and sent me a long email the day after the wedding apologizing that she hadn't reached out sooner but that the reason she couldn't make it was because her mom had taken a turn for the worse and had surgery scheduled for the Monday after our wedding. Her mom had been very sick in college too. She said they really wished they could have been there and that a "gift was in the mail." I wrote her an email back saying please do not worry at all, take care of your mom, etc. In truth, I did not expect her to come anyway because both of them were in grad school and they lived halfway across the country. I never did get the gift that she said was in the mail, but I didn't think twice about it and figured they just forgot to send a gift. Nothing was missing from our registry or anything. A few weeks later, we noticed that a gift WAS missing from our registry and confirmed with Macy's that it had been sent to our apartment, and was evidently stolen from the package room of our building. It was from someone else, and Macy's replaced it no problem.

Long story short, she is now getting married in a month and I was not invited to the wedding. I would not be offended if it was a small wedding, or if she wasn't inviting anyone from college, but she is inviting a ton of other girls from our sorority with whom she is not in regular touch either- it's pretty clear on facebook because everyone is talking about how excited they are for her wedding. I am genuinely shocked that (a) she wouldn't invite me, period, when she is inviting all these other people; and (b) ESPECIALLY when you throw in the fact that I invited her to my own wedding.. it just makes no sense. I can't help but feel genuinely hurt about this - I really just don't know if I did something wrong or what is going on!

The only thing I can think of is that maybe she DID send a gift to us that was off the registry, or a check or something, and it did get stolen or lost in the mail? And so when I didn't get it, it looked like I was rude and didn't appreciate it/write a thank you note? Is that even possible? I just don't know what I did wrong and I feel so terrible that clearly there is something going on here. I REALLY liked this girl and we were very good friends at one point.

[Anonymous]

Grow up. Sometimes you don't get invited to the party. It happens.

You haven't been in touch with this woman for two years yet you expect an invite to her wedding. After she told you her mom took a turn for the worse, did you ever follow up - see how her mom was doing, express some sympathy for the situation that your friend was in??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow up. Sometimes you don't get invited to the party. It happens.

You haven't been in touch with this woman for two years yet you expect an invite to her wedding. After she told you her mom took a turn for the worse, did you ever follow up - see how her mom was doing, express some sympathy for the situation that your friend was in??

ITA. If you want to be in touch with her and rekindle the friendship then wait until after he wedding and send a card/email congratulating her and try to get the friendship on track. Just don't make it about the wedding.

[Anonymous]

I don't get it. Why are you hurt when you haven't been in touch in two years?

[Anonymous]

If the situation was in a vacuum and I was just not in touch for two years and that was that, I would not be offended at all! But when a ton of other people are invited who I know for a fact she has not been in touch with for the same amount of time, it leads me to think that there is something else going on here. I'm not mad that I was not invited. I'm just genuinely concerned if maybe I did something to offend her, unknowingly or not. And, for what it's worth, it's not like we had zero communication for two yeras. We still talked through facebook occasionally, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the PP asks a good question about whether you followed up with her and asked her about her mother. If you didn't, then she might feel hurt. If she sent you a gift and you never acknowledged it, she likely would have followed up with you and asked you about it. I doubt she would just silently strike you off her list of friends if you otherwise would have been on it. Maybe she just had to limit the number of guests, and not including you was just part of that tough decisionmaking. I agree with the suggestion of sending her a card after her wedding.

[Anonymous]

you've been doing it wrong for 2 years.

if she said she sent something through the mail and you didn't get it i'd let her know.

my friend did it like you and it turns out there was insurance on the gift and she lost to get it replaced because she didn't fill a claim on time.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad I wasn't in a sorority. College was HOW many years ago? Get.Over.It.

[Anonymous]

As the PP stated, sometimes you get invited to the party and sometimes you don't. Just because you invited her to your wedding doesn't mean that she has to invite you to hers. It may be that you feel closer to her than she to you - or that you resent everyone else getting together for the wedding but that happens sometimes. You also don't get to pass judgment on who's more deserving of an invitation. It's her wedding.

[Anonymous]

Hurt feelings all around. Everybody! Seriously, it's okay. Lots of other fish in the sea to share your time on Earth with.

[Anonymous]

i want some fish in MY sea. it's lonely here.
OP, just straight up ask her what you are wondering about. then you'll have your answer. maybe it was some stupid miscommunication - do you want to lose a friendship over some stupid wedding gift? if she doesn't want to be friends with you then you'll have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i want some fish in MY sea. it's lonely here.
OP, just straight up ask her what you are wondering about. then you'll have your answer. maybe it was some stupid miscommunication - do you want to lose a friendship over some stupid wedding gift? if she doesn't want to be friends with you then you'll have your answer.

Please don't ask her why you weren't invited to the wedding. Maybe she's inviting the other girls from your sorority because they've kept up, or had an extra special bond back in the day. If I hadn't spoken to someone in a few years then I wouldn't be upset about not being invited to their wedding. If you want to rekindle the relationship wait until after the wedding and then send a present or card and try to strike back up the communication.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I don't think the gift was the issue. As others have suggested, maybe there was something else. What happened with her mom seems like one possibility. Another possibility: your invite was sent to the same address the gift was sent (read: the wrong address). Or, your friend just might be embarrassed that she never followed up on the gift she said she'd sent. You'd be amazed at how many people end up ignoring folks for something they're embarrassed about. I myself sent a late gift to a wedding once and found myself putting off calling this friend because every time I thought of him, I remembered I hadn't sent a gift and thought "I need to send that gift first." Totally lame, but I can't be alone.

I know everyone says you are not supposed to ask about an invite to a wedding, so keep in mind it's not "proper" for you to do that. However, what's the point of being proper if you can't have a heart to heart with a friend?

When I was getting married, I did not invite several cousins with whom I had had no contact since middle school or earlier. We're talking over 20 years since I'd seen them or talked to them. Even though formal etiquette holds that if you invite one cousin, you invite all of them, in my case, these cousins kind of fell off the map. They're not close with anyone in our family, live across the country, and never reach out to anyone. They're kind of estranged. So when I was getting married, I couldn't imagine they'd want to come, didn't know where they even were living, and didn't invite them. One of these cousins emailed me through facebook (I was not friends with him previously; he found me and friended me and sent the email). The subject line was: "what the heck?" He basically just said he was really upset that I hadn't invited him to the wedding and it hurt his feelings because I was his favorite cousin growing up and he was sad that we'd grown apart, etc. So I got his phone number, called him, apologized, and invited him to the wedding (sent him an invite). He said he'd be there, we were psyched about it, and that was that. (Of course, he ended up not showing or calling me to tell me he wasn't coming...so there's that...but that's beside the point!). My point is: what's the worst thing that would happen if you just told her you were sad to miss her wedding but understand if she had to limit people, etc.? if she is really a top level friend, you might just call her and say "hey, I don't want to make you feel awkward, but I guess I have to just say it - I'm really sad that I'm not invited to your wedding because I just adore you and wanted to be there on your special day. I know you're not supposed to say anything about this sort of thing, but I figured I wanted you to know. In any case I hope your day is great, and I hope we can be better about staying in touch because I really do care about you. OKay, bye, congratulations!"

I can't imagine that anyone would be offended by someone reaching out with a sincere heart. Who knows what misunderstandings about your friendship might have transpired?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My point is: what's the worst thing that would happen if you just told her you were sad to miss her wedding but understand if she had to limit people, etc.? if she is really a top level friend, you might just call her and say "hey, I don't want to make you feel awkward, but I guess I have to just say it - I'm really sad that I'm not invited to your wedding because I just adore you and wanted to be there on your special day. I know you're not supposed to say anything about this sort of thing, but I figured I wanted you to know. In any case I hope your day is great, and I hope we can be better about staying in touch because I really do care about you. OKay, bye, congratulations!"

I can't imagine that anyone would be offended by someone reaching out with a sincere heart. Who knows what misunderstandings about your friendship might have transpired?

While you're laying on the guilt trip about not inviting you to her wedding, you may as well get on your hands and knees. Seriously, there's really only one way for the bride to respond to this and that's with an invitation. OP is making this all about her when it should be the bride's day. If you have to do something like this to get an invitation, you really don't belong at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I don't think the gift was the issue. As others have suggested, maybe there was something else. What happened with her mom seems like one possibility. Another possibility: your invite was sent to the same address the gift was sent (read: the wrong address). Or, your friend just might be embarrassed that she never followed up on the gift she said she'd sent. You'd be amazed at how many people end up ignoring folks for something they're embarrassed about. I myself sent a late gift to a wedding once and found myself putting off calling this friend because every time I thought of him, I remembered I hadn't sent a gift and thought "I need to send that gift first." Totally lame, but I can't be alone.

I know everyone says you are not supposed to ask about an invite to a wedding, so keep in mind it's not "proper" for you to do that. However, what's the point of being proper if you can't have a heart to heart with a friend?

When I was getting married, I did not invite several cousins with whom I had had no contact since middle school or earlier. We're talking over 20 years since I'd seen them or talked to them. Even though formal etiquette holds that if you invite one cousin, you invite all of them, in my case, these cousins kind of fell off the map. They're not close with anyone in our family, live across the country, and never reach out to anyone. They're kind of estranged. So when I was getting married, I couldn't imagine they'd want to come, didn't know where they even were living, and didn't invite them. One of these cousins emailed me through facebook (I was not friends with him previously; he found me and friended me and sent the email). The subject line was: "what the heck?" He basically just said he was really upset that I hadn't invited him to the wedding and it hurt his feelings because I was his favorite cousin growing up and he was sad that we'd grown apart, etc. So I got his phone number, called him, apologized, and invited him to the wedding (sent him an invite). He said he'd be there, we were psyched about it, and that was that. (Of course, he ended up not showing or calling me to tell me he wasn't coming...so there's that...but that's beside the point!). My point is: what's the worst thing that would happen if you just told her you were sad to miss her wedding but understand if she had to limit people, etc.? if she is really a top level friend, you might just call her and say "hey, I don't want to make you feel awkward, but I guess I have to just say it - I'm really sad that I'm not invited to your wedding because I just adore you and wanted to be there on your special day. I know you're not supposed to say anything about this sort of thing, but I figured I wanted you to know. In any case I hope your day is great, and I hope we can be better about staying in touch because I really do care about you. OKay, bye, congratulations!"

I can't imagine that anyone would be offended by someone reaching out with a sincere heart. Who knows what misunderstandings about your friendship might have transpired?

OP "adores" this friend so much that she only messages her once in a blue moon on facebook? Also: OP has never answered the question of whether or not she reached out to the bride regarding her sick mother! OP is just being a bitter Betty and needs to grow up.