Wedding Invite Situation

[Anonymous]

Why don't you have one of your mutual friends as the bride about your lack of invitation. At least you'd find out if it was an accident or deliberate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I don't think the gift was the issue. As others have suggested, maybe there was something else. What happened with her mom seems like one possibility. Another possibility: your invite was sent to the same address the gift was sent (read: the wrong address). Or, your friend just might be embarrassed that she never followed up on the gift she said she'd sent. You'd be amazed at how many people end up ignoring folks for something they're embarrassed about. I myself sent a late gift to a wedding once and found myself putting off calling this friend because every time I thought of him, I remembered I hadn't sent a gift and thought "I need to send that gift first." Totally lame, but I can't be alone.

I know everyone says you are not supposed to ask about an invite to a wedding, so keep in mind it's not "proper" for you to do that. However, what's the point of being proper if you can't have a heart to heart with a friend?

When I was getting married, I did not invite several cousins with whom I had had no contact since middle school or earlier. We're talking over 20 years since I'd seen them or talked to them. Even though formal etiquette holds that if you invite one cousin, you invite all of them, in my case, these cousins kind of fell off the map. They're not close with anyone in our family, live across the country, and never reach out to anyone. They're kind of estranged. So when I was getting married, I couldn't imagine they'd want to come, didn't know where they even were living, and didn't invite them. One of these cousins emailed me through facebook (I was not friends with him previously; he found me and friended me and sent the email). The subject line was: "what the heck?" He basically just said he was really upset that I hadn't invited him to the wedding and it hurt his feelings because I was his favorite cousin growing up and he was sad that we'd grown apart, etc. So I got his phone number, called him, apologized, and invited him to the wedding (sent him an invite). He said he'd be there, we were psyched about it, and that was that. (Of course, he ended up not showing or calling me to tell me he wasn't coming...so there's that...but that's beside the point!). My point is: what's the worst thing that would happen if you just told her you were sad to miss her wedding but understand if she had to limit people, etc.? if she is really a top level friend, you might just call her and say "hey, I don't want to make you feel awkward, but I guess I have to just say it - I'm really sad that I'm not invited to your wedding because I just adore you and wanted to be there on your special day. I know you're not supposed to say anything about this sort of thing, but I figured I wanted you to know. In any case I hope your day is great, and I hope we can be better about staying in touch because I really do care about you. OKay, bye, congratulations!"

I can't imagine that anyone would be offended by someone reaching out with a sincere heart. Who knows what misunderstandings about your friendship might have transpired?

OP "adores" this friend so much that she only messages her once in a blue moon on facebook? Also: OP has never answered the question of whether or not she reached out to the bride regarding her sick mother! OP is just being a bitter Betty and needs to grow up.

Oh goodness. How do you know how OP feels about the friend? I'm taking OP at her word, and she says she likes her.

OP, your mistake was including "sorority" in your post. I was a G.D.I. (goddamn independent for those who don't remember that phrase) myself, but not a hater by any means. But I think the other haters have showed up.

To all the posters who call OP a bitter Betty ( ) and so on, where are you getting that? To me, OP seems sad and worried about the state of her friendship; not mad or angry. I don't think OP cares so much about being invited to the party as she cares about what the lack of an invitation says about her friendship. To all of you who put rigid etiquette above a heart to heart with a friend, do you really have close friends or is everyone just an acquaintance to you?

If the bride considers that OP should have been in better touch, etc, she can say that. I would (and did, when my cousin asked about my wedding - i did say "well, you haven't exactly kept in touch either!" but then I did what felt rightand invited him. Didn't feel bullied into it at all). Even though he ended up being a no show, and I was a bit pissed about that, we've still kept in touch so I'm grateful to him for reaching out.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks for all of the responses. No, I never checked in again about her mom and honestly had completely forgotten about it. In my defense (?) I have had my own health issues since that time, was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder a month after my wedding and have had five surgeries in the last two years. Also dealt with a move, new jobs, selling a home, etc during the same time period. I have definitely not been as "on top of things" as I should have been. And actually, it wasn't two years fully, it was closer to a year and a half. But still, I understand the point about checking in regarding her mom and I do feel guilty now that I never did that.

I genuinely am not mad or angry about the wedding. I would not have been able to attend anyway. I am just concerned about the friendship and was taken aback by the fact that I was not invited.

I am going to send a card after the wedding (I think a gift might make things awkward considering she did not (I think!) send me one) and just say that the pictures were beautiful, as I am sure they will be, and congratulations, etc. I won't ask about why I wasn't invited. If by some crazy chance, she did send an invite and I didn't get it (I think that is pretty doubtful though) I'm sure that would come up when I reach out to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for all of the responses. No, I never checked in again about her mom and honestly had completely forgotten about it. In my defense (?) I have had my own health issues since that time, was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder a month after my wedding and have had five surgeries in the last two years. Also dealt with a move, new jobs, selling a home, etc during the same time period. I have definitely not been as "on top of things" as I should have been. And actually, it wasn't two years fully, it was closer to a year and a half. But still, I understand the point about checking in regarding her mom and I do feel guilty now that I never did that.

I genuinely am not mad or angry about the wedding. I would not have been able to attend anyway. I am just concerned about the friendship and was taken aback by the fact that I was not invited.

I am going to send a card after the wedding (I think a gift might make things awkward considering she did not (I think!) send me one) and just say that the pictures were beautiful, as I am sure they will be, and congratulations, etc. I won't ask about why I wasn't invited. If by some crazy chance, she did send an invite and I didn't get it (I think that is pretty doubtful though) I'm sure that would come up when I reach out to her.

what if she sent you a gift and got lost in the mail? why you didn't follow up with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for all of the responses. No, I never checked in again about her mom and honestly had completely forgotten about it. In my defense (?) I have had my own health issues since that time, was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder a month after my wedding and have had five surgeries in the last two years. Also dealt with a move, new jobs, selling a home, etc during the same time period. I have definitely not been as "on top of things" as I should have been. And actually, it wasn't two years fully, it was closer to a year and a half. But still, I understand the point about checking in regarding her mom and I do feel guilty now that I never did that.

I genuinely am not mad or angry about the wedding. I would not have been able to attend anyway. I am just concerned about the friendship and was taken aback by the fact that I was not invited.

I am going to send a card after the wedding (I think a gift might make things awkward considering she did not (I think!) send me one) and just say that the pictures were beautiful, as I am sure they will be, and congratulations, etc. I won't ask about why I wasn't invited. If by some crazy chance, she did send an invite and I didn't get it (I think that is pretty doubtful though) I'm sure that would come up when I reach out to her.

what if she sent you a gift and got lost in the mail? why you didn't follow up with her?

What was I supposed to say? You said you sent a gift but you didn't? Nothing was missing from my registry, so I assumed that she had not actually sent one, meant to and forgot about it. Kind of like how I will tell someone "oh, it's in the mail" when in reality the item in question is in my purse or on my kitchen table and I have full intention of actually mailing it. We had lots of friends who said similar things and then we got the gifts a long time later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for all of the responses. No, I never checked in again about her mom and honestly had completely forgotten about it. In my defense (?) I have had my own health issues since that time, was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder a month after my wedding and have had five surgeries in the last two years. Also dealt with a move, new jobs, selling a home, etc during the same time period. I have definitely not been as "on top of things" as I should have been. And actually, it wasn't two years fully, it was closer to a year and a half. But still, I understand the point about checking in regarding her mom and I do feel guilty now that I never did that.

I genuinely am not mad or angry about the wedding. I would not have been able to attend anyway. I am just concerned about the friendship and was taken aback by the fact that I was not invited.

I am going to send a card after the wedding (I think a gift might make things awkward considering she did not (I think!) send me one) and just say that the pictures were beautiful, as I am sure they will be, and congratulations, etc. I won't ask about why I wasn't invited. If by some crazy chance, she did send an invite and I didn't get it (I think that is pretty doubtful though) I'm sure that would come up when I reach out to her.

what if she sent you a gift and got lost in the mail? why you didn't follow up with her?

What was I supposed to say? You said you sent a gift but you didn't? Nothing was missing from my registry, so I assumed that she had not actually sent one, meant to and forgot about it. Kind of like how I will tell someone "oh, it's in the mail" when in reality the item in question is in my purse or on my kitchen table and I have full intention of actually mailing it. We had lots of friends who said similar things and then we got the gifts a long time later.

I told a story before I guess you missed it. It happened that the gift sent was lost in the mail but it had insurance in it and just because those silly etiquette rules the claim was not done in time and the gift and insurance were lost.

When she said she mailed it you should have contacted her to say you didn't get the gift. I.e. asking for a tracking number to call your local post office or whatever. And if you're not comfortable asking her this it means you're not that close friends anyway.

[Anonymous]

Ugh -- it's invitation not invite. Invite is a verb, not a noun.

[Anonymous]

You should have followed up about her mom's health. Honestly, you never know why people do what they do,but it's legit that she'd be annoyed enough about that to not invite you. Clearly she had no idea about your autoimmune disorder, but you DID know about her mother. So, from her perspective, you never gave her family illness another thought--which actually, you've freely admitted. I'd probably be pissed enough to not invite you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have followed up about her mom's health. Honestly, you never know why people do what they do,but it's legit that she'd be annoyed enough about that to not invite you. Clearly she had no idea about your autoimmune disorder, but you DID know about her mother. So, from her perspective, you never gave her family illness another thought--which actually, you've freely admitted. I'd probably be pissed enough to not invite you too.

How embarrassed would you be, if you got all pissy like you say you would have, when you found out the friend you snubbed had missed asking about your mom because she had 5 surgeries?

OP, your approach seems good to me. If you cannot attend the wedding anyway, don't ask (I'm the one who told the cousin story, earlier). It's fine to send her a card and wish her well. It sounds like you are sincere. Just reach out after the wedding. And wish her the best.