WWYD - Found strip of condom wrapper in DD's purse

[Anonymous]

Found tiny condom wrapper strip in DD's purse, ie strip from an opened condom. She is 13. Torn on whether I say something to her or not. If I found an intact closed condom I think I would be less freaked out b/c I know kids are curious about these things. My first thought is why in the world is it open and why is half in her purse...

On the one hand, I want to understand why she has this. I would also like to lay my fears to rest...

On the other hand, I don't want her to feel like I am snooping through her things (I was.) AND, if there is a logical reason why she has it (ie kids just playing with them, trying to understand what they are, etc) I definitely don't want to let her know I was snooping.

We talk about sex frequently. She doesn't even have a boyfriend! I think we do a pretty good job of supervising her, but my DH reminds me kids will find opportunities at any point... We don't leave her home alone, she doesn't go to parties frequently, and the ones she has been to have adult supervision of people we know.

Any thoughts on a good way to bring this up or should I not? Obviously we will keep having discussions about sex, waiting, etc, but wondering if I should tie this specific discovery to the discussion. In the back of my mind is, down the road, when she is ready (hopefully much older) I don't want her to be afraid to have a condom b/c mom will get mad...

Any thoughts or suggestions welcomed.

[Anonymous]

I would keep having discussions but not raise this specifically.

[Anonymous]

At 13, that strip of wrapper would have been among my possessions because I'd recently used one as a water balloon (I'm female). Just a thought that your daughter's use of the condom might have been for a different type of mischief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 13, that strip of wrapper would have been among my possessions because I'd recently used one as a water balloon (I'm female). Just a thought that your daughter's use of the condom might have been for a different type of mischief.

OP here - that is kind of what I'm thinking/hoping.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you have to snoop makes me question the level of trust you have in her. Why snoop? Everyone should know, never tear the entire wrapper off, it leaves antoher piece you need to dispose of and another chance of someoen finding it, sort of like don;t have a party with beer bottles, always use cans because your parents will eventually find a bottle cap.

You say she is supervised by an adult, is that adult watchign over them or upstairs while her firneds are down stairs giving blow jobs or having sex in the bathroom?

Good luck but I am sure this trust issue is somethign between the two of you, please tell

[Anonymous]

You need to have the conversation with your DD. There are girls who have sex or are intimate with what is not a boy friend. She might be hooking up [non-sex]with some one or various people and contemplating sex. You don't know.

13 is young. sex ed/health class/ etc show them condoms but maybe not in grade 7 or 8.

If she was 18 some privacy is in order but 13? She also could be with an older guy. This isn't common.

[Anonymous]

Where is she in school? Do they offer condoms in sex ed (and then, do kids - like we did - play with them because they are so taboo?)?

[Anonymous]

I have boys, but my oldest is the same age as your DD. I snoop and make no secret about it. I check texts, computer history, etc. etc. Sometimes I find things that I wish I hadn't. If I found a strip of condom wrapper in my son's stuff, I would definitely ask him about it. If my son is having sex, that's one thing. But, more importantly, I think he's too immature to be there yet and I would want to be sure that if something is going on, it's at least voluntary and he's a willing participant. Not that I would be happy, but more than anything I don't want my kids to feel pressured or in any way victimized. After that, I want to be sure he understands the responsibility of having sex, including the way others feel about it. (Yes, of course, we talk about this, but it's more theoretical right now because I don't think he is having sex).

In your shoes, I'd do the same. You say she doesn't have a boyfriend that you know of. Then there is either a no big deal explanation of the wrapper or you may find out something that you want to or need to intervene in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
In your shoes, I'd do the same. You say she doesn't have a boyfriend that you know of. Then there is either a no big deal explanation of the wrapper or you may find out something that you want to or need to intervene in.

If they are having regular conversations anyway, what is the chance that confronting the daughter with this strip will lead the OP to find out something new that she needs to intervene in? If the daughter isn't prepared to tell her, wouldn't she just lie, and then have you really accomplished anything good?

[Anonymous]

OP, I personally would say that you found it on the floor beneath where her purse hangs (like it had fallen out) and YES talk to her. Girls rarely "go steady" with boys anymore -- it's all about hooking up casually now. Don't assume that no boyfriend = no sex.

You definitely want to be very straight with her, but open, that you want to know if she's having sex because it can have VERY serious consequences. She's old enough now to start feeling some peer pressure, so you need to step up the talks with her, and possible do things like have her visit a relative with an infant (and have her care for it when it's crying and crying), or talk to her about STDs. It's not about scaring her off sex, but about showing her the consequences. Kids are TERRIBLE with connecting stuff to consequences, though, so also tell her that you're proud that she's a smart young woman who will make the right choices, and to always come to you so you can walk her through the tough decisions.

If you have a sister or SIL that she can talk to, too, that is sometimes easier on teen girls than talking to their moms.

[Anonymous]

don't be cute, sit her down, say you found this in her purse(my house my rules thing or what ever you say, just do not get side tracked on the trust issue, different issue for a different time) and let her talk, find out what is going on.(bring dh in and be united before you sit with her)

[Anonymous]

I was in your same position a few years ago with my DD who was also 13 at the time. It is going to be hard but you should talk to her and let her know what you found. Dancing around the subject will not address the problem. Your DH should also be with you when you talk to her so that she knows that the both of you are concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your same position a few years ago with my DD who was also 13 at the time. It is going to be hard but you should talk to her and let her know what you found. Dancing around the subject will not address the problem. Your DH should also be with you when you talk to her so that she knows that the both of you are concerned.

I would take her to a gynecologist for a checkup and offer her birth control and a lesson on protected sex. Seriously. Just say it's time since she's 13.

[Anonymous]

If I decide to specifically mention it (which I am leaning towards)... any suggestions on how to mention?

PP who was in the same position, were there any things that you did that you felt were helpful or averted more issues?

I hope this isn't because of something actually happening, but am well aware that hope isn't a plan. Its crazy to me if there is, b/c what are we supposed to do- lock her in her room until 16? We have a really good handle now on who she is hanging out with and where she is and are pretty careful - if something is happening even in this window, how are we going to get through the next 5 years. Just frustrated.

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 year-old too. I feel for you. I would not lie about where you found it as one PP suggested. I believe that lying to your kids pretty much ensures that they will lie to you too. Mutual trust is important. I would not look in DD's purse but if I happened to find a condom wrapper, I would ask her about it after letting her know that I would not judge her or be mad at her no matter what she told me. If she is really having sex, there is nothing you can do except try to help her through this time and keep her safe. You can certainly try to discourage her from doing it again but can't stop her if she is determined. My mom was incredibly supportive of me when I came to her for help with birth control as a teen and I know it was hard for her. I hope I can be as great as she was when the time comes. Also, I would not include DH in the discussion. My DD is close as can be with her Dad but she would not be able to talk about sex with him. Good luck!