Parents with older kids/teens--what do the rest of us need to know

[Anonymous]

I'll posted this on the general forum which would probably be the best place to respond for those with little kids to read. But I've noticed a number of posts regarding the ups and downs of having a second or third child. They largely seem to focus on the challenges with LITTLE kids. But of course those kids will turn into big kids. Wondering what parents of older kids and teenagers have to say about what lies ahead for the rest of us. What gets easier, what gets harder? And what are your experiences with just 1, 2, or 3 older kids/teens. Tips in general? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I have a middle schooler and a 3rd grader, 4 years apart. What is easier is that they are independent...they dress themselves in the morning, gather their own things for school, don't need their food cut into small pieces, clear their own dinner dishes from the table, and so on. What is harder is that they bicker and fight all the time. When they were smaller, big sister was in "little mommy" mode and loved to do things with her brother. Now she slams the door and tells him to go away when he wants to be around her...which of course makes him behave obnoxiously to get her attention. Pre-teen hormonal drama is kicking in as well. It's a lot like two-year-old tantrums, and I find myself having to use the same "stay calm, don't react" mantra I used to get through those.

[Anonymous]

I have five kids. One in college. Three in high school. One in elementary school.

We've been very fortunate. So far, we haven't any any real problems from any of the kids. The worst we've had is a couple of phone calls for excessive talking, being tardy, and a missed homework assignment here and there. No real behavioral problems, no drinking (well, I'm sure my college kid is partying now), no drugs, no baby mama/baby daddy nonsense. They have all been really, really good kids. They make good grades are involved with various clubs/sports at school. My oldest is on a full college scholarship.

I think the most important thing is to keep them busy! My oldest (a junior in college now) played football and basketball. My senior was involved in scouts, and rowed crew and runs track. My junior is very involved in drama and chorus. My freshman is involved in drama and band. My youngest is in scouts and plays whatever sport is in season. The older kids also work part-time and all are involved in church stuff as well. They are simply too busy to get into trouble. And their friends are all doing the same thing. They say you can't pick your kids' friends, but you really can. You just get them involved in good, healthy, wholesome activities.

I am also at home full-time. As mentioned in an earlier thread, I think that helps. I know where my kids are all the time. When they go out, I ask "where are you going"...."when are you coming home"...."who will be with you".... When they were middle school aged, I would sometimes show up where they said they were going to be just to make sure I was given accurate information.

It does not get easier. Sorry. Little kids = Little problems. It's not hard to keep a baby or young child safe. With teenagers, you can't always protect them. It's hard to let go and trust that you've done everything you can to prepare them for life. It's hard to trust them to make good decisions. And even really good kids do dumb things. I think the hardest thing about having teenagers is the worry. I think it's important for teens to know that you are involved in their lives. I think it's important to teach self-discipline while at the same time providing accountability.

I'm not sure what tips to offer other than to stay involved. Don't be afraid to check facebook, text messages, email,..... Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to set limits. You want to give them some freedom. But at the same time, teens love the security of clear boundaries and limits. And expect a lot of sleepless nights. When my oldest started driving, every time I heard a siren, I was convinced he had been in a car accident. And if you are a person of faith...Say a lot of prayers. My dad always says, "God takes care of teenagers and Old Folks".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have five kids. One in college. Three in high school. One in elementary school.

We've been very fortunate. So far, we haven't any any real problems from any of the kids. The worst we've had is a couple of phone calls for excessive talking, being tardy, and a missed homework assignment here and there. No real behavioral problems, no drinking (well, I'm sure my college kid is partying now), no drugs, no baby mama/baby daddy nonsense. They have all been really, really good kids. They make good grades are involved with various clubs/sports at school. My oldest is on a full college scholarship.

I think the most important thing is to keep them busy! My oldest (a junior in college now) played football and basketball. My senior was involved in scouts, and rowed crew and runs track. My junior is very involved in drama and chorus. My freshman is involved in drama and band. My youngest is in scouts and plays whatever sport is in season. The older kids also work part-time and all are involved in church stuff as well. They are simply too busy to get into trouble. And their friends are all doing the same thing. They say you can't pick your kids' friends, but you really can. You just get them involved in good, healthy, wholesome activities.

I am also at home full-time. As mentioned in an earlier thread, I think that helps. I know where my kids are all the time. When they go out, I ask "where are you going"...."when are you coming home"...."who will be with you".... When they were middle school aged, I would sometimes show up where they said they were going to be just to make sure I was given accurate information.

It does not get easier. Sorry. Little kids = Little problems. It's not hard to keep a baby or young child safe. With teenagers, you can't always protect them. It's hard to let go and trust that you've done everything you can to prepare them for life. It's hard to trust them to make good decisions. And even really good kids do dumb things. I think the hardest thing about having teenagers is the worry. I think it's important for teens to know that you are involved in their lives. I think it's important to teach self-discipline while at the same time providing accountability.

I'm not sure what tips to offer other than to stay involved. Don't be afraid to check facebook, text messages, email,..... Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid to set limits. You want to give them some freedom. But at the same time, teens love the security of clear boundaries and limits. And expect a lot of sleepless nights. When my oldest started driving, every time I heard a siren, I was convinced he had been in a car accident. And if you are a person of faith...Say a lot of prayers. My dad always says, "God takes care of teenagers and Old Folks".

I'm not the OP, but this was helpful, thanks.

[Anonymous]

9:09

Excellent response. The on;y thing I would add is that when they are young, don't sweat the small stuff so much. In the scheme of things, where they go to nursery school, what kind of stroller you get, what kind of bottle you use really matters very little.

As the pp said, little ones little problems, big ones-big problems.

If at possible, as the poster said try to be at home for your kids when they are teenagers. Many SAHM assume they can go back to work full time when they are in HS. It is actually more important to be home then because with an empty house, trouble follows.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pp, I have 2 teens and I work part time, we do not have a lot of money but I pick my kids up at school and stay with them the whole afternoon, I think this is very important. And yes I am always checking Facebook and emails. My home is a drinking free zone because I think they learn every day just looking at you.

[Anonymous]

One of the most important things starts when they are small. Don't be afraid to set limits and say no when necessary. Don't try to be your kid's friend; be their parent.

[Anonymous]

"I think the most important thing is to keep them busy! My oldest (a junior in college now) played football and basketball. My senior was involved in scouts, and rowed crew and runs track. My junior is very involved in drama and chorus. My freshman is involved in drama and band. My youngest is in scouts and plays whatever sport is in season. The older kids also work part-time and all are involved in church stuff as well. They are simply too busy to get into trouble. And their friends are all doing the same thing. They say you can't pick your kids' friends, but you really can. You just get them involved in good, healthy, wholesome activities. "

There are no guarantees in life. The "keep 'em busy" school of thought is a big turnoff for me. Sounds like brainwashing. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Teenagers need a lot of sleep. It really affects their academic performance and mood. The older they get, the later they want to stay up, but keep pushing that bedtime; they need it.

Establish boundaries and conequences. And enforce them.

Give them regular chores, even if it's only making their beds, setting the table, taking out the trash. They're part of the household; and it's not a hotel.

Even though my kids fight doing things as a family as they get older, we still do outings (like trying new ethnic restaurants, museums, etc.) together. They complain about it, but always end up having a good time. I was the same way as a teen, and look back on those outings fondly.

Listen to them when they're ready to talk. And you hear a lot of interesting stuff in the car on the way home from school or to other activities.

Encourage friendships with kids whose parents have the same kinds of rules and attitudes. This has been important with my boys -- their friends are all nice kids.

[Anonymous]

There are no guarantees in life. The "keep 'em busy" school of thought is a big turnoff for me. Sounds like brainwashing. No thanks.

That doesn't even make any sense.

Hush and let the grown ups talk.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the keep them busy, but that doesn't mean overscheduled. Try to encourage things for them to do with their brains and/or bodies. Idle hands make the devil's work and all that. And when idle try to make it something besides being on the computer. Even TV seems better to me.

Also, and others will disagree, note that kids have no "right to privacy." So if you make them think they have a right to keep stuff from you (facebook, etc.) they may believe it. But they don't. And you should monitor closely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I think the most important thing is to keep them busy! My oldest (a junior in college now) played football and basketball. My senior was involved in scouts, and rowed crew and runs track. My junior is very involved in drama and chorus. My freshman is involved in drama and band. My youngest is in scouts and plays whatever sport is in season. The older kids also work part-time and all are involved in church stuff as well. They are simply too busy to get into trouble. And their friends are all doing the same thing. They say you can't pick your kids' friends, but you really can. You just get them involved in good, healthy, wholesome activities. "

There are no guarantees in life. The "keep 'em busy" school of thought is a big turnoff for me. Sounds like brainwashing. No thanks.

My guess is you have little kids. If they aren't busy they will watch TV, play video games, facebook until their brains fall out. In Montgomery County the high schools get out very early. If my DS wasn't busy he would arrive home at 2:30 and do nothing. Luckily he is interested in sports and I still drive him so that keeps him out of a certain amount of trouble.

[Anonymous]

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

By Diana Loomans, Parent Partners, Davidson, NC

If I had my child to raise over again,

I’d do less correcting, and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less and know to care more.

I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I’d run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I’d do more hugging, and less tugging.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I’d teach less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.

[Anonymous]

I posted on the other thread on the General Parenting forum, but I had another thought as I was dealing with an issue last night. The biggest difference between little kids and older kids is how serious the consequence of a wrong parental decision can be. If you call it wrong on when to start potty training, no biggie. Barring a special needs, your kid isn't going to go to kindergarten in diapers. If your kid still drinks a bottle at age 3, there really isn't any harm that's going to come. If you don't call out the kid on the playground that says "I hate you" to your kid or say something to the parent, no one is going to be forever scarred. It's different with older kids. If you let your kid get into a car with another kid and that kid drinks or drives too fast, your kid could die. If you get too busy and you don't get around to monitoring the facebook account often enough, your kid could become the victim of a sexual preditor. If you don't talk about sexting early enough, your kid's naked body could be all over the internet. If you push them too hard in school, they might underperform out of rebellion but if you don't push hard enough, they might underperform due to your low expectation, which can effect college admissions. Older kids are exposed to gangs, drugs, sex, smoking and alcohol all at a time when their judgment and experience isn't sufficient to make good decisions on their own. If we fall down on the job as parents in terms of teaching, setting examples and involving our kids in activities, our kids might lack the skills to deal with this exposure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted on the other thread on the General Parenting forum, but I had another thought as I was dealing with an issue last night. The biggest difference between little kids and older kids is how serious the consequence of a wrong parental decision can be. If you call it wrong on when to start potty training, no biggie. Barring a special needs, your kid isn't going to go to kindergarten in diapers. If your kid still drinks a bottle at age 3, there really isn't any harm that's going to come. If you don't call out the kid on the playground that says "I hate you" to your kid or say something to the parent, no one is going to be forever scarred. It's different with older kids. If you let your kid get into a car with another kid and that kid drinks or drives too fast, your kid could die. If you get too busy and you don't get around to monitoring the facebook account often enough, your kid could become the victim of a sexual preditor. If you don't talk about sexting early enough, your kid's naked body could be all over the internet. If you push them too hard in school, they might underperform out of rebellion but if you don't push hard enough, they might underperform due to your low expectation, which can effect college admissions. Older kids are exposed to gangs, drugs, sex, smoking and alcohol all at a time when their judgment and experience isn't sufficient to make good decisions on their own. If we fall down on the job as parents in terms of teaching, setting examples and involving our kids in activities, our kids might lack the skills to deal with this exposure.

Wow, great post.