What should I say when my child asks about yours?

[Anonymous]

Slight spin-off from the OT thread about use of the word "retarded" (awful awful awful, but I digress...): My DS is approaching the age where he wants to know why and asks about differences. DS is also just a very outgoing kid who loves other kids and wants to talk to everyone. I have not encountered this yet, but what is the best way to explain to him when he asks about differences between him and a developmentally delayed child? He has a cousin with CP (whom he doesnt see often), so I sincerely would welcome input -- what is your preference? For example, scenario: you and your child are in Starbucks and you overhear a child say "what's wrong with X" or "why is X doing that". I hope this post isn't coming across as insensitive, I really want to know what your perfect world answer would be. Thank you in advance.

[Anonymous]

My child has physical disabilities, not cognitive, so I'll address that. I'll leave developmental challenges to the parents more familiar with them.


Your goal should be to teach you child to see differences as a very normal part of life. I like it when people respond to their child casually, like its no big deal. You can say something like,

"Yup honey. Some people walk with a walker. Just like some people are tall and some people are short."

OR

"Yup, honey. Some people use wheelchairs. Just like some people have brown hair and some people have blond hair."

Going overboard with statements of "Oh, how strong that little boy must be!" or "How brave of him!" or being overly friendly are just condescending. Sshhing a child also is hurtful - being in a wheelchair or walker is nothing to be ashamed of!

Here's an ABC news segment recently on this issue.
http://abcnews.go.com/WhatWouldYouDo/condescending-shopper-degrade-handicapped-woman/story?id=12940712&page=1

[Anonymous]

Teaching outside of the situation is critical. I really like the book Susan Laughs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child has physical disabilities, not cognitive, so I'll address that. I'll leave developmental challenges to the parents more familiar with them.


Your goal should be to teach you child to see differences as a very normal part of life. I like it when people respond to their child casually, like its no big deal. You can say something like,

"Yup honey. Some people walk with a walker. Just like some people are tall and some people are short."

OR

"Yup, honey. Some people use wheelchairs. Just like some people have brown hair and some people have blond hair."

Going overboard with statements of "Oh, how strong that little boy must be!" or "How brave of him!" or being overly friendly are just condescending. Sshhing a child also is hurtful - being in a wheelchair or walker is nothing to be ashamed of!

Here's an ABC news segment recently on this issue.
http://abcnews.go.com/WhatWouldYouDo/condescending-shopper-degrade-handicapped-woman/story?id=12940712&page=1

00:03 has it right. "Some people use their legs, some people use a wheelchair." Little children may want to know why and ask why again again and again. It's fine to say you don't know why. Or "she was born that way." Or some people are just like that. Sometimes they may want an equipment demonstration, or to use the equipment. My daughter is proud of her equipment and likes to show it off, but doesn't want to share it -- it's like sharing her voice or her legs.

Agree completely that talk like "She's inspiring" is to be avoided. My child is no more inspiring than any other child her age.

[Anonymous]

My niece and nephew are both on the spectrum. I tell my 4 yo that "their brain works differently" so be patient/give space/quiet (whatever context applies) with them.

[Anonymous]

My DS has developmental delays and apraxia of speech. We also use the approach of 'his body/brain works differently and some things that are easy for you are hard for him'. We use it very matter of factly like the 'some people have brown hair, some people have blond, some things you learn quickly, some things take longer'. We usually follow it up by point out something that's 'typical' for a kid - like 'he really likes Star Wars, do you like Star Wars?'.

Thanks very much for asking.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the situation, but I recently encountered a situation on the playground with my 4 y.o. daughter who is on the spectrum. She was playing right next to some older kids in the 6-8 year range, and was babbling. Not talking, but babbling and laughing. They started to mimic and tease her, so I walked up. When they laughed and said, "She sounds funny! Why won't she talk to us?" I just kept it simple and responded with, "She doesn't know how to talk yet. She's learning that differently from you guys." They accepted this VERY well, as if WOW that explained EVERYTHING. One of the boys even said, "Hey - my sister has a boy in her class like that. Does she go to a special school?" I said, "Yep, she sure does." He said, "AHHH! I knew it! OK, I get it now. Thanks!" It was amazing.

Thank you for asking.

[Anonymous]

Now that we've solved that problem, I'm wondering what you think I should say to my delightful, beautiful five year old when she wonders why typically developing children don't want to play with her? Or talk to her? Or touch her hand?

[Anonymous]

Heartbreaking situation, isn't it? I have no advice - but will be going through that same situation soon.

[Anonymous]

There was a post either on here or on another forum where parents responded to a similar or same question. I like the pp's responses re children with physical differences. Just because their 'disability' is more visible than some others, doesn't mean they are a poster child, or are fighting their way through life.

[Anonymous]

My six year old DD comes home from school and asks why she isn't invited on playdates. Breaks my heart and honestly, I wish one of those kids would ask her over. Wouldn't maybe be a typical playdate but would be fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child has physical disabilities, not cognitive, so I'll address that. I'll leave developmental challenges to the parents more familiar with them.


Your goal should be to teach you child to see differences as a very normal part of life. I like it when people respond to their child casually, like its no big deal. You can say something like,

"Yup honey. Some people walk with a walker. Just like some people are tall and some people are short."

OR

"Yup, honey. Some people use wheelchairs. Just like some people have brown hair and some people have blond hair."

Going overboard with statements of "Oh, how strong that little boy must be!" or "How brave of him!" or being overly friendly are just condescending. Sshhing a child also is hurtful - being in a wheelchair or walker is nothing to be ashamed of!

Here's an ABC news segment recently on this issue.
http://abcnews.go.com/WhatWouldYouDo/condescending-shopper-degrade-handicapped-woman/story?id=12940712&page=1

I saw that show the other night. I was appalled that people would act that way toward someone with physical disabilities. It seemed exaggerated to me but what do I know? The only real experience I've had is when my mom had back surgery and used a walker. I was so appreciative (and so was she) when folks would hold the door, help her out, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My six year old DD comes home from school and asks why she isn't invited on playdates. Breaks my heart and honestly, I wish one of those kids would ask her over. Wouldn't maybe be a typical playdate but would be fun.

You might want to reach out to one of the moms of one of the "nicer" girls in your DD's class and talk about scheduling some regular, standing playdates. A mom of a girl with Aspergers did this for her DD with my NT DD when the girls were young -- maybe 5ish. It was "work" for the mom, and honestly, my daughter didn't love going at first, but since my DC2 has SN, I recognized clearly what the mom was doing and supported her. My DD went along on those playdates and I would say after a while, she really began to enjoy herself, and as she and the other child got used to each other, she began to think of the girl as a friend and one she would include in bday parties and "regular" playdates. The same is going on now - the dad of the one girl in my DD's class now who has few friends and isn't social at all asks weekly for a playdate for his daughter and my DD. My DD would never ask to play with that child, but she is always happy to go or have her here in return, and has learned to have a good time when they are together. At first she found it hard to find things to play with this other child, but now that they have honed in on a few things, it's easier. And I provide lots of support - Hey, guys, let's bake cookies! Who wants to paint?! - to keep the playdates moving. And they are short - 1.5 hrs at most - whereas most of DD's playdates are much longer. BUt I know it helps this child to integrate and frankly, it helps my daughter to learn to play with anyone and to be empathetic and inclusive. DD is known as "the nice girl" in the class - prob because she has a brother with significant needs - so maybe she seems more accessible than others. If your DD has a child like this - someone who seems more accessible - maybe try to schedule weekly or every-other-week playdates with the mom or dad (rather than waiting for the children to plan it together) and hopefully something will catch on? Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others to avoid condescending and sympathetic remarks - it can be very offensive and can send the wrong message to your child. Shushing a child and pulling them away does the same thing - can can be very hurtful to the other child and their parents.

I agree with the "because s/he does ___ differently, just like some people are ___ and some people are ___" approach. That helps kids grasp that physical/cognitive differences are just like any other difference and are not something to be afraid of or look down upon. Drawing connections to similarities or likes/dislikes also helps.

[Anonymous]

Not the OP, but along the same lines. We've dealt with wheelchairs in similiar ways as those listed. Its almost easier to deal with a physical issue easier.
My DS has a borderline autistic child in his preschool class. The child had a hard time initially when he started, and was hitting all the other kids. He's almost 4, still in pullups, and his verbal skills are behind. I've explained that it takes some kids longer and that not everyone is the same. But the hard part is that the child does not listen and is very aggressive. I have brought up the aggressiveness with the school, but what do I tell me son when he tells me the child is a bad boy because he doesn't listen and he's not nice to other kids? These are traits I want my child to have and he gets punished when he's not nice, so how do I explain that its ok for this other kid to be mean? I am asking this question sincerely - I want to know how to deal with it without 1. making the child out to be a overly-"special" but 2. making sure he understands its unacceptable behavior for my him (my son) to have.