I want my parents to get rid of junk so I don’t have to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people, psychologically seem to be most comfortable in their role as 'keeper of the stuff'... My older sister is in her 40s but has this old lady mentality to keeping things. She isn't married/doesn't have kids and now that our mother and grandmother have passed, she is official keeper of the stuff.

When she mentions items my brother or I have no interest in, and we suggest we toss it out, she will not do it. She has always lived rent free in their home and doesn't work so it really was her job as we don't live in that country any more and aren't near her to help. She almost seems to have an air of superiority like she is better because she values them and we are spoiled/don't appreciate things. I think in some ways she feels like she 'loves' our deceased loved ones more because she has all the proof- can't part with their crap. She seems to need to be surrounded by dead peoples stuff in order to feel comfortable/cozy, in large part because she isn't great at adapting to change. We've pointed out to her that any ugly item she wants to get rid of, she can. No one will be upset. She can clean the home better if it's devoid of all the stuff. She can live the life she wants. She doesn't change. When our grandfather passes (also in the family home) my brother and I have spoken about our plan. We know we will need to use a few weeks leave to get home and load trucks up for garbage/donation and fight her off of us as she dives on piles to save.

When the matriarchs first passed, she was able to get rid of the clothes fairly fast, but it was a whole 'hmmmmmm let's see... they were several sizes bigger than me....hmmm... and their shoes are too small....hmmm and I was like "donate them?" and she reluctantly did. We were able to joke about it a bit- I was like "are you really going to wear a Garfield cardigan over a polyester sundress with your size 11s wedged into size 7 orthopedic shoes?" It was a real exercise in decision making for her.

But the multiple dining room sets, sets of dishes/silverware/cookware/old exercise equipment, even old school supplies from when we were kids... that stays. The difficulty is that because the house has the room, she has no reason to pare things down. She understands/agrees we will sell the home after grandpa (who is well!!) passes and she doesn't seem to have much attachment to the house itself. I think if we help her look at her finances and decide what she can buy and something that doesn't need a lot of upkeep, she will realize that she doesn't need a huge home to keep stuff, especially as $$$ as that will be. At that point I think she will understand that she can get rid of all the multiples and live more purposefully/simply.

She kind of lives in la-la land as the keeper of the stuff.

This is hysterical!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me think although I'm not nearly old enough for this to be a concern...

I collect oriental rugs from the Caucasus and Armenia. They are genuine antiques in that their provenance is clear and they aren't being made anymore. They are important to me, and rare. But will they be important to my kids? I have no idea. I would love for them to become family heirlooms so I hope my kids inherit my love for them. What if they don't?

Maybe they will, maybe they won't. You can't make someone have the same taste as you. BUT you can prepare yourself to sell them or give them away to someone outside the family who will appreciate them. But please don't guilt your kids into keeping them because YOU value them.

Your kids will have their own tastes and interests, and respecting that will improve your relationship with them, which is what matters. So if they don't want your stuff, you need to be fine with selling it and take pleasure in the fact that someone cherishes your stuff, even if that person isn't a relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me think although I'm not nearly old enough for this to be a concern...

I collect oriental rugs from the Caucasus and Armenia. They are genuine antiques in that their provenance is clear and they aren't being made anymore. They are important to me, and rare. But will they be important to my kids? I have no idea. I would love for them to become family heirlooms so I hope my kids inherit my love for them. What if they don't?

Maybe they will, maybe they won't. You can't make someone have the same taste as you. BUT you can prepare yourself to sell them or give them away to someone outside the family who will appreciate them. But please don't guilt your kids into keeping them because YOU value them.

Your kids will have their own tastes and interests, and respecting that will improve your relationship with them, which is what matters. So if they don't want your stuff, you need to be fine with selling it and take pleasure in the fact that someone cherishes your stuff, even if that person isn't a relative.

I get that. It just would be sad if they don't. I want them to respect their heritage and treasure the few things that come from the land where their mother's roots are. But I guess you're right I can't force that. They are little still so it's a far off possibility.