Does having kids really suck as bad as people say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have kids, and I'm scared to because I feel like everyone i know who has kids, or writes about having kids, seems to complain constantly about it. It just seems to suck.

Is it really that bad? Or does the good outweigh the bad?

I tell my nieces and nephews, if there were full disclosure no one would have children.

It is an adjustment. You are on call 24/7/365. There is no break. Yes, you can have physical breaks, but no mental ones. You can divorce a spouse or quit a job, but you cannot stop being a parent. You are in it for the long haul. You are now not the most important person in your life- you have a responsibility to carry through for at least the next two decades. You can't do what you want when you want. When I started, Bill Clinton was President. When my two have been (hopefully) successfully launched, Hilary Clinton will be President. Not everyone gets a happy baby. Some of us have children with special needs that require more intense parenting for a much longer time. You have to be willing to parent the child you have,not the child you think you should have. People will blame you for anything that goes wrong. Family may or may not be of help, regardless of how they have acted prior to you having children or even how they have acted with the children of your siblings. Children can be as expensive as a mortgage. They eat. A lot. When they are teenagers, they may eat 3 times what you eat. They poop and throw up more than you ever knew.

[Anonymous]

Don't overthink it. Have kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a horrible thread. Parenting is not something you wing it at. There are many known methods that are documented and that really work. OP, it's as hard as you make it.

Ugh, you are so annoying. I have read up on many methods that are documented and supposedly really work. None of them have helped with DS's hyperactivity, impulsiveness, oppositional behavior, and low frustration tolerance. Nor have sessions with a child psych. It is not just a question of "well, if you do everything right, things won't be hard." Things are hard, but I still love DS and am glad to be a parent. There is no one magical formula that will make things easy. You don't get to choose the kid you get.

NP here. It's interesting that you called that poster annoying, because I just find it so annoying myself, when people say, 'you get what you get', not true at all. How the parents nurture and react to each developmental phase, is very important. Personalities that your kids will end up with are somewhat formed by the parents.

Completely new PP. No, the poster saying "annoying" is right. You and the first poster sound as though you have easy or relatively easy kids. Good for you, but you really can't take credit for having a kid with an easy, malleable temperament. It sounds as though second PP is a great parent and is doing everything she can. There is only so much you can do to mold and change things, and certainly with some issues you can only cope and help your child cope.

[Anonymous]

It sucks. Every single day. Don't have kids if you enjoy the life you have now.

[Anonymous]

this thread is a hoot. i think you struck a nerve, OP. because at some level, lots of parents ask themselves this question. it's definitely hard. and your parent-friends complain because it is constantly hard.

but much depends on you! the hand you're dealt and your personality.

i'm not nearly as ambivalent as some. i am reasonably confident that having kids changed me and my life for the better. my marriage was . . . shaky and i was depressed and i was in a rut at work when i got pregnant; it actually gave me the energy and focus i needed to DO SOMETHING about all of that. it doesn't work that way for everyone, obviously. these days, i have a second child on the way, my life is insanely busy, i don't have time for all the things i would like to do, the house is a mess and i'm always tired. but i am still SO MUCH happier. difficult is not the same as unhappy. and while there are things i miss from childless life, my child gives me so much more thirst for life than i had before.

that said, i would never in a million years tell anyone to have kids to help fix their life. for some people i know, the added stress is just more disaster. but it just kinda worked out for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a toughie.

As a mother of three grown children, I can say it is a toss up.

Sure, I gave up A LOT to have my children. I gave up my freedom, my education, my career ambitions as well as any traveling experiences, etc. I started having children at nineteen and feel like I sacrificed a lot of my youth for them. (I am not in any way, shape or form blaming THEM at all....I made the decision to have them.)

There were times when the house was a complete disaster and I felt overwhelmed by the mess, the chaos, money issues, etc.

Now that they are adults and have their own lives, I am truly glad and finally feel free (!). I work as a Nanny and seeing people my age now raising young children makes me realize how lucky I am that now I am free of all that responsibility. I am no longer tied down, I can make and spend all my monies on myself, and I have the freedom to come and go as I please, etc. I am still young enough to do all the things I missed out on earlier in life and I can come home to a clean, quiet and orderly home every day.

Bottom line.
I love my children and am glad I had them. But I am just glad I did it when I was younger.

I cannot imagine having kids later in life.

I see so many parents so tired and I am so lucky that I get to spend all of my forties (and beyond!) on my own.

+100

[Anonymous]

It is certainly a personal thing. If you feel that you have legitimate doubts whether you would be a good parent, you should listen to them. If you do not have kids, parents are not going to tell you how hard it is or how wonderful it is because one seems like complaining and the other like bragging. So you have to judge for yourself. Maybe you can judge how you feel about friends/ relatives kids? It is legitimate to give it a lot of thought. I had kids when older and looking back, I could have gone either way and been equally happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I almost did not have a kid because after hearing about it from all my friends, I thought "why on earth would I want such punishment." For some reason I was talking to a guy at work about this, and he started laughing and told me that if everything thought rationally about it - no one would have kids. He explained that it is easy for people to talk about the bad stuff - and easy for you to see the bad stuff. But it is the good part is so good, and it can't really be explained. He said he was so sure I'd have no regrets that he said if I had a kid, changed my mind, that he would adopt it. He said he could make that promise, because he was so sure I would have no regrets.

He was right. The good part can't be explained. Its like everything in life you thought was important just isn't anymore (or isn't as important as you thought). Its like I was living a smaller life before, but I just didn't know it. But is it hard? Yes, without a doubt. But I found it to be worth it.

So true. Parents will easily walk into the office in the morning and say, I'm so tired, baby was up at 2 am, wanted to play, then the 5 year old woke up at 6….blah blah blah.

We rarely say, "I fed my baby pureed pears for the first time and watching her delight in them was amazing! Or, my 5 year old read an entire level 1 book and the pride he took in that was terrific!" But we feel it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I almost did not have a kid because after hearing about it from all my friends, I thought "why on earth would I want such punishment." For some reason I was talking to a guy at work about this, and he started laughing and told me that if everything thought rationally about it - no one would have kids. He explained that it is easy for people to talk about the bad stuff - and easy for you to see the bad stuff. But it is the good part is so good, and it can't really be explained. He said he was so sure I'd have no regrets that he said if I had a kid, changed my mind, that he would adopt it. He said he could make that promise, because he was so sure I would have no regrets.

He was right. The good part can't be explained. Its like everything in life you thought was important just isn't anymore (or isn't as important as you thought). Its like I was living a smaller life before, but I just didn't know it. But is it hard? Yes, without a doubt. But I found it to be worth it.

So true. Parents will easily walk into the office in the morning and say, I'm so tired, baby was up at 2 am, wanted to play, then the 5 year old woke up at 6….blah blah blah.

We rarely say, "I fed my baby pureed pears for the first time and watching her delight in them was amazing! Or, my 5 year old read an entire level 1 book and the pride he took in that was terrific!" But we feel it!

God, that sounds boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is a horrible thread. Parenting is not something you wing it at. There are many known methods that are documented and that really work. OP, it's as hard as you make it.

Ugh, you are so annoying. I have read up on many methods that are documented and supposedly really work. None of them have helped with DS's hyperactivity, impulsiveness, oppositional behavior, and low frustration tolerance. Nor have sessions with a child psych. It is not just a question of "well, if you do everything right, things won't be hard." Things are hard, but I still love DS and am glad to be a parent. There is no one magical formula that will make things easy. You don't get to choose the kid you get.

NP here. It's interesting that you called that poster annoying, because I just find it so annoying myself, when people say, 'you get what you get', not true at all. How the parents nurture and react to each developmental phase, is very important. Personalities that your kids will end up with are somewhat formed by the parents.

Completely new PP. No, the poster saying "annoying" is right. You and the first poster sound as though you have easy or relatively easy kids. Good for you, but you really can't take credit for having a kid with an easy, malleable temperament. It sounds as though second PP is a great parent and is doing everything she can. There is only so much you can do to mold and change things, and certainly with some issues you can only cope and help your child cope.

Why do you assume anyone who believes nurture makes at least some difference must have naturally easy kids? Kind of assuming nurture makes no difference?

[Anonymous]

For some reason, although people warned me how "hard" it is raising a child, I didn't understand what that meant. Yes, sleep deprivation is hard, trying to soothe a crying infant is hard when he just won't stop crying, it's hard not being able to just go out with your husband whenever you feel like it. etc. etc. etc. But as it turns out, I haven't had all that much trouble with those concrete, obvious challenges. For me, it's more emotionally difficult, and that's what never came across to me. I was floored by how worthless I felt as a parent when I couldn't soothe my crying baby or when he wouldn't latch nursing. I continue to beat myself up for not having more patience with my now two year old. I'm surprised by how my dh and I can be on such different pages sometimes. I'm saddened when I realize I'm acting just like my mom. Those things are more representative of the difficult parts of parenting for me.

Of course, there are a lot of great things about having kids. People are less likely to gush about the positive things in general other than the vague "it's so amazing." I think most conscientious people aren't going to go on and on about how great it is to child-free people because nobody wants to be "that" person. A child-free by choice couple might think you're insinuating their life is less-than for not having kids. A childless by circumstance couple might resent you for going on and on about how great kids are because they would badly like to experience it too. But the good things do happen, and they happen daily, and they outweigh the bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I almost did not have a kid because after hearing about it from all my friends, I thought "why on earth would I want such punishment." For some reason I was talking to a guy at work about this, and he started laughing and told me that if everything thought rationally about it - no one would have kids. He explained that it is easy for people to talk about the bad stuff - and easy for you to see the bad stuff. But it is the good part is so good, and it can't really be explained. He said he was so sure I'd have no regrets that he said if I had a kid, changed my mind, that he would adopt it. He said he could make that promise, because he was so sure I would have no regrets.

He was right. The good part can't be explained. Its like everything in life you thought was important just isn't anymore (or isn't as important as you thought). Its like I was living a smaller life before, but I just didn't know it. But is it hard? Yes, without a doubt. But I found it to be worth it.

So true. Parents will easily walk into the office in the morning and say, I'm so tired, baby was up at 2 am, wanted to play, then the 5 year old woke up at 6….blah blah blah.

We rarely say, "I fed my baby pureed pears for the first time and watching her delight in them was amazing! Or, my 5 year old read an entire level 1 book and the pride he took in that was terrific!" But we feel it!

God, that sounds boring.

You're ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I almost did not have a kid because after hearing about it from all my friends, I thought "why on earth would I want such punishment." For some reason I was talking to a guy at work about this, and he started laughing and told me that if everything thought rationally about it - no one would have kids. He explained that it is easy for people to talk about the bad stuff - and easy for you to see the bad stuff. But it is the good part is so good, and it can't really be explained. He said he was so sure I'd have no regrets that he said if I had a kid, changed my mind, that he would adopt it. He said he could make that promise, because he was so sure I would have no regrets.

He was right. The good part can't be explained. Its like everything in life you thought was important just isn't anymore (or isn't as important as you thought). Its like I was living a smaller life before, but I just didn't know it. But is it hard? Yes, without a doubt. But I found it to be worth it.

So true. Parents will easily walk into the office in the morning and say, I'm so tired, baby was up at 2 am, wanted to play, then the 5 year old woke up at 6….blah blah blah.

We rarely say, "I fed my baby pureed pears for the first time and watching her delight in them was amazing! Or, my 5 year old read an entire level 1 book and the pride he took in that was terrific!" But we feel it!

God, that sounds boring.

If you think that sounds boring, then don't have kids. I know you're not the OP, but the point of this whole topic is does the good outweigh the bad. If you don't think these examples are good enough to outweigh the bad, well, there's your answer.

[Anonymous]

I have loved every single minute of having children, the good and the bad, the exhausted and the chaotic. Thankful for this family everyday.

[Anonymous]

I love my daughter dearly, but I think having kids can suck worse than what most people even say. I think if you are lucky (like most parents are) and get a baby that sleeps through the night by 6 months or earlier then it can be quite enjoyable. But my daughter is approaching 1 year and she has so much energy and never sleeps. We have finally decided to try the "cry it out" method and that isn't working very well either. We haven't had more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep in row in 10 months and it is taking a toll on our relationship, my job, my hygiene, etc. If things don't get better soon I would be surprised if our marriage survives much longer because we argue constantly.