I’ve been on DCUM for 5 years. This is my first IL post.

[Anonymous]

Dh needs to talk to him. I'm guessing he might have no idea he's doing that so much. Here might be feeling a major lots of control with kids around and taking out his anxiety by trying to micromanage everything. Totally not excusable and majorly annoying, but that might be where he's coming from, in case it helps you feel sorry for him rather than just irritated (as I would be, too!).

Dh could approach him from a point of concern, "dad, I'm worried you're dealing with some anxiety. Have you noticed...."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start micro managing his actions. Turn it into a drinking game. Have your kids start micro managing his actions. Set out 20 magazines on a row in the sun. Leave your purse on his doorknob and walk around telling everyone he stole your purse. You can have a lot of fun with this. If he reacts poorly, you can then tell him to pound sand.

Lol I really want OP to try this and report back

[Anonymous]

Ignore him. Don’t even respond, just continue doing what you were doing. He suggests what should be unloaded from the car first? Don’t argue, just unload what you want. My DH will do this in a grocery store. He thinks HE has the ability to pick out the fastest check out lane. If I have already chosen a lane, I do not move. I tell him he is not the boss of me! Your FIL is not trying to push you around—these type of people truly believe they have cracked the code of parking, unpacking etc.

[Anonymous]

Is this vacation specific behavior or is he like this at home too?

[Anonymous]

In anticipation of all such issues I set myself on a course where I was able to take control by fronting the cash for vacations. Ski vacation for 20 - on me - beach vacations as well - BUT all details were then on everyone (I am the opposite of FIL noted here. I make so many decisions on a daily basis that I do not want to make any on vacation but I don’t let anyone else become a dictator) - its all a democracy - what we do, what we eat, when we eat, etc etc, the group engages and decides. At “worst” someone gets to control a meal or an event but NO ONE (including me) pushes anything on the crew. Now that I own my he beach house, it’s even more true. Makes things go well bc the whole family - and all the branches and generations - are involved.

[Anonymous]

Literally ignore him. Just act like he’s not there. If he says anything pleasant or neutral, respond to him and pay attention to him. When he acts up, ice him out.

[Anonymous]

I would try just treating his actions in the same way. Tell him where to park, what to do in what order, etc. Just matter of factly treat his behavior exact as he treats yours.

If he says you are doing it on purpose, deny it. Eventually he will stop controlling you if he wants to stop you trying to control him.

Alternately, go out to something without him and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

MIL and her other DIL are like this. Day trips with separate food and cars are the only way to manage if you bother seeing them at all. Meeting them somewhere for a few hours is the best way to go about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On vacation with the ILs. (All fully vaccinated, and we’re staying in a cabin.)

FIL has to control everything. Literally from the first, as we pull up. “Don’t park there, park THERE, and back in, so we can unload easier.” “Don’t take that in the house first, take THAT in the house first.” “Oh, don’t drink that—we’re having X for dinner, and you want to drink Y with X.” “The kids don’t have to go to bed NOW—it’s vacation!” “They should be up by now.” “Don’t set that there—it will fade in the sun.” (It’s a freaking magazine.)

It’s driving me batty. I try sticking up for myself and my kids, in the moment, but it’s like he’s deaf to anything but the sound of his own voice.

He sounds really on the ball and considerate actually. Those are really good habits and quite observant! I have the polar opposite with my in laws and things get broken, jammed, put together wrong and lost 24/7. Can’t stand it.

[Anonymous]

Spend the entire vacation being very thankful and grateful that your husband did not turn out to be like this. You dodged a bullet there!

[Anonymous]

Do the opposite of what he says, slowly and deliberately while maintaining eye contact. He'll figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Literally ignore him. Just act like he’s not there. If he says anything pleasant or neutral, respond to him and pay attention to him. When he acts up, ice him out.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Literally ignore him. Just act like he’s not there. If he says anything pleasant or neutral, respond to him and pay attention to him. When he acts up, ice him out.

+2. This is exactly how I deal with my FIL, who has similar traits. He likes to give step-by-step instructions about the most insignificant things. I take a deep breath and ignore, as if he hasn’t spoken at all. Also pretend to focus on something else, such as my kids. This is why we’ve never vacationed with my ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spend the entire vacation being very thankful and grateful that your husband did not turn out to be like this. You dodged a bullet there!

I think about this all the time. We are visiting ILs now and I just spent most of dinner thinking "Hoooooow did my BIL get this bad when my DH is such a delightful, kind, thoughtful human being???" My BIL is seriously one of the worst people I've ever had to spend any amount of time with. It's baffling but I'm so glad it's apparently not genetic.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would guess your FIL is doing this out of stress and/or anxiety that the trip go well. I noticed the other day that my mom got super controlling about something odd. It turns out she was stressed and hadn't gotten good sleep. Once she slept she was like, no big deal. I think the older you get the more your system gets off due to stress and lack of good sleep.