Chatting online nearly every day for 8 weeks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You indicated that you are married, at a vulnerable stage in your marriage, and are exchanging wistful messages with this other guy. You are under the impression he’s only 45 miles away from you, but you’ve never seen him or confirmed. In any event, dollars to donuts he will be in some kind of bind and you will offer to help. That’s called a “test.” Then the requests will become greater until you are paying his “rent” because he claims he’s facing eviction (not even a thing nowadays with covid), wiring him $ to help with his dream business or letting him move in “just for a few days.” Buyer beware.

I appreciate the words of caution. His location is confirmed. He’s never asked for any monetary help and I would never provide it. Though I did send him flowers after he had a particularly rough week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You indicated that you are married, at a vulnerable stage in your marriage, and are exchanging wistful messages with this other guy. You are under the impression he’s only 45 miles away from you, but you’ve never seen him or confirmed. In any event, dollars to donuts he will be in some kind of bind and you will offer to help. That’s called a “test.” Then the requests will become greater until you are paying his “rent” because he claims he’s facing eviction (not even a thing nowadays with covid), wiring him $ to help with his dream business or letting him move in “just for a few days.” Buyer beware.

I appreciate the words of caution. His location is confirmed. He’s never asked for any monetary help and I would never provide it. Though I did send him flowers after he had a particularly rough week.

No no no. You don’t know him well enough to send flowers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You indicated that you are married, at a vulnerable stage in your marriage, and are exchanging wistful messages with this other guy. You are under the impression he’s only 45 miles away from you, but you’ve never seen him or confirmed. In any event, dollars to donuts he will be in some kind of bind and you will offer to help. That’s called a “test.” Then the requests will become greater until you are paying his “rent” because he claims he’s facing eviction (not even a thing nowadays with covid), wiring him $ to help with his dream business or letting him move in “just for a few days.” Buyer beware.

I appreciate the words of caution. His location is confirmed. He’s never asked for any monetary help and I would never provide it. Though I did send him flowers after he had a particularly rough week.

No no no. You don’t know him well enough to send flowers.

Yes, in hindsight I wish I hadn’t sent them. I don’t know him well enough AND he didn’t immediately know they were from me (I signed the card “me”). Which made me feel a bit lousy - I mean according to him, he has 2 other friends and they are all far away. But yes, I wish I hadn’t sent them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it text or phone or video chats? If you aren’t emotionally available, does that mean one or both of you are in a relationship? If so, how would your SO feel if they found out?

All text. I’ve never heard his voice. I’ve sent him a video where I’m speaking but otherwise it’s all text and pictures (completely clean - nothing scandalous). I’m in the process of leaving my spouse who probably wouldn’t care if he found out - there’s no love lost between us. Online friend is not in the head space for a relationship (neither am I). But we do occasionally send each other more “what could have been” messages - usually after we’ve been drinking and it’s getting late at night.

But we do text ALL the time. Literally from morning to night. Probably not normal, right?

You’ve never heard his voice. That’s a huge red flag. Why did you send him a video of you speaking?

I was just narrating something and sent a video. It wasn’t a big deal. He doesn’t like speaking on the phone so we haven’t talked yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it text or phone or video chats? If you aren’t emotionally available, does that mean one or both of you are in a relationship? If so, how would your SO feel if they found out?

All text. I’ve never heard his voice. I’ve sent him a video where I’m speaking but otherwise it’s all text and pictures (completely clean - nothing scandalous). I’m in the process of leaving my spouse who probably wouldn’t care if he found out - there’s no love lost between us. Online friend is not in the head space for a relationship (neither am I). But we do occasionally send each other more “what could have been” messages - usually after we’ve been drinking and it’s getting late at night.

But we do text ALL the time. Literally from morning to night. Probably not normal, right?

You’ve never heard his voice. That’s a huge red flag. Why did you send him a video of you speaking?

I was just narrating something and sent a video. It wasn’t a big deal. He doesn’t like speaking on the phone so we haven’t talked yet.

+1 odd ! Unless you’re just into txting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You indicated that you are married, at a vulnerable stage in your marriage, and are exchanging wistful messages with this other guy. You are under the impression he’s only 45 miles away from you, but you’ve never seen him or confirmed. In any event, dollars to donuts he will be in some kind of bind and you will offer to help. That’s called a “test.” Then the requests will become greater until you are paying his “rent” because he claims he’s facing eviction (not even a thing nowadays with covid), wiring him $ to help with his dream business or letting him move in “just for a few days.” Buyer beware.

I appreciate the words of caution. His location is confirmed. He’s never asked for any monetary help and I would never provide it. Though I did send him flowers after he had a particularly rough week.

No no no. You don’t know him well enough to send flowers.

[Anonymous]

OP you are signaling to him that you are ripe to be taken advantage of. If what you really want here is an actual relationship, sounds like you’d be best served divorcing and making yourself available for dating in person in the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it text or phone or video chats? If you aren’t emotionally available, does that mean one or both of you are in a relationship? If so, how would your SO feel if they found out?

All text. I’ve never heard his voice. I’ve sent him a video where I’m speaking but otherwise it’s all text and pictures (completely clean - nothing scandalous). I’m in the process of leaving my spouse who probably wouldn’t care if he found out - there’s no love lost between us. Online friend is not in the head space for a relationship (neither am I). But we do occasionally send each other more “what could have been” messages - usually after we’ve been drinking and it’s getting late at night.

But we do text ALL the time. Literally from morning to night. Probably not normal, right?

You’ve never heard his voice. That’s a huge red flag. Why did you send him a video of you speaking?

I was just narrating something and sent a video. It wasn’t a big deal. He doesn’t like speaking on the phone so we haven’t talked yet.

+1 odd ! Unless you’re just into txting

Red red red red flag!!! My DH hates talking on the phone. Guess who called me every day while we dated. There is no reason not to have 1 video chat as you get to know each other—even as a friendship.

[Anonymous]

It's NOT fine because you have not met this person in real life and do not know whether they really are who they say they are.

This is internet safety 101.

I've been corresponding by email with a friend of mine all throughout the pandemic, because I don't like talking on the phone and I love to write. We met when we used to take our kids to the same activity, and hope to meet again when that activity resumes in person in the fall.

But your situation is totally different. You cannot verify the identity of this person. Please don't get emotionally enmeshed. He might be legit, he might not.

[Anonymous]

You’ve sent him flowers, so you know his address and have verified that it is actually the same person on the FB page?
I don’t think this is “normal” but with the pandemic so much has changed. It’s not meeting him this way, it’s more the fact that he can’t even bring himself to speak on the phone or FaceTime. Please be careful with this situation, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve sent him flowers, so you know his address and have verified that it is actually the same person on the FB page?
I don’t think this is “normal” but with the pandemic so much has changed. It’s not meeting him this way, it’s more the fact that he can’t even bring himself to speak on the phone or FaceTime. Please be careful with this situation, OP.

I don’t know his home address but sent flowers to his work. It’s verified that the person on FB is the person he claims to be.

Yeah maybe the no phone thing is a red flag. But he’s very guarded so maybe not. I’ll proceed more cautiously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve sent him flowers, so you know his address and have verified that it is actually the same person on the FB page?
I don’t think this is “normal” but with the pandemic so much has changed. It’s not meeting him this way, it’s more the fact that he can’t even bring himself to speak on the phone or FaceTime. Please be careful with this situation, OP.

I don’t know his home address but sent flowers to his work. It’s verified that the person on FB is the person he claims to be.

Yeah maybe the no phone thing is a red flag. But he’s very guarded so maybe not. I’ll proceed more cautiously.

I am guessing you are the OP who asked about falling in love without meeting? OP, all of this sounds like a mess and I think you know it. I’m not saying this unkindly. You’re in a bad space right now and your decision-making skills are off. You said this much when you admitted you regretted sending him the flowers. I think you need to stop this “relationship”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve sent him flowers, so you know his address and have verified that it is actually the same person on the FB page?
I don’t think this is “normal” but with the pandemic so much has changed. It’s not meeting him this way, it’s more the fact that he can’t even bring himself to speak on the phone or FaceTime. Please be careful with this situation, OP.

I don’t know his home address but sent flowers to his work. It’s verified that the person on FB is the person he claims to be.

Yeah maybe the no phone thing is a red flag. But he’s very guarded so maybe not. I’ll proceed more cautiously.

I am guessing you are the OP who asked about falling in love without meeting? OP, all of this sounds like a mess and I think you know it. I’m not saying this unkindly. You’re in a bad space right now and your decision-making skills are off. You said this much when you admitted you regretted sending him the flowers. I think you need to stop this “relationship”.

Haha. Nope, not the OP of that thread but I did read it with interest.

Totally agree. I need to reinvest this time and energy into me. Thanks for the advice.

[Anonymous]

Have you suggested meeting if he only lives 45 minutes away? It seems weird not to meet if you are texting each other constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you suggested meeting if he only lives 45 minutes away? It seems weird not to meet if you are texting each other constantly.

We’ve both suggested it but haven’t done it. Our work schedules/times off don’t mesh and I’ve got kids. So we’ve not met up in real life.