4.5 year old cannot go to sleep

[Anonymous]

Not a freak of nature! Mine was the same way.

She was a great sleeper as a baby, once we figured out that the actually needed to cry a little in order to settle herself to sleep. She gave up the last nap before 3, and never looked back. In fact, she was *more* tired and cranky if you tired to force her to nap than if you just let her read or color quietly. She really never would fall asleep if someone was in the room, though. Even when she was sick, if you sat with her she'd eventually tell you to "go away now, please, I'm ready to sleep."

As she got older, she mostly she just stayed up and talked to herself for an hour or two before she fell asleep. It was like her brain needed more time than her body to unwind and settle down. So we set an extra-early bedtime to accommodate this additional wind-down time, and just enforced the "stay in your bed" rule.

But she'd go through phases where she didn't want to stay in bed at all, and that's when we had to be firm. As long as she stayed in her bed, we'd go in occasionally and remind her that we were close by, but that it was bedtime, etc. etc. If she kept getting up, we didn't lock her in and leave, but we did sit outside the door to keep it closed, occasionally repeating a few set phrases: "It's nighttime, and at nighttime to go to sleep." "It's time to settle down. You've gone to the bathroom, you have water, you may not get up again" etc. so she'd know we were close by. If she got really hysterical, we'd go in and tell her we'd sit with her for five minutes, then stuck to it.

So yes, it's totally normal, and honestly, your best option now is to re-sleep train. Right now, *she's* trained *you* to always sit with her, because you know the scale of the tantrum that's coming if you don't. So set the expectations in advance (I'll sing three songs, rub your back for two minutes, and then it's time for me to leave), figure out a workable big-kid version of the "shuffle" you'd use to sleep train babies—don't engage!—and stick to it.

Start on a long weekend, when you don't have to get up for work or preschool for a couple of days, and DON'T CAVE. I'd say it probably took almost a week the first time we did this, with a huge extinction burst about day 4, but every reset after that got shorter and easier.

But you have to stick with it firmly enough the first time that she figures out you mean business. Then she'll give up easier the next time she tries to test you out again. And as one of the OPs suggested, melatonin can help set her up for success with these occasional resets.

Good luck, and stay strong! Mine is 14 now, and has far better sleep habits than any of her friends. So I can promise you, it does get better, and it's all worth it in the long run. (Also: IME, the more dramatically they insist they're not tired, the more tired they actually are!)