Situation With Friend - Help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her that the kids’ schedules (feeding, naptime etc.) are growing apart and it’s not working anymore. Give her two or three weeks and say you can’t wait to see her over a weekend sometime for an adult catch up.

OP here. This is also true.

My son is a schedule. He sleeps 7pm-7am at night and takes 3 naps at 9-10, 12-2, and 4-4:30/5. Her baby will last 1:45-2 hours and often times I have to delay putting my son down for a nap because her baby needs to go to sleep. He will scream and cry until he falls asleep. I never get a break because he will take shorter naps and wake up when my son is still sleeping. It’s exhausting. My husband works from home and he has told me to tell her no. He can see how unhappy the situation is making me, and feels like our son is getting less attention ( which is part of the reason I decided to stay home instead of going back to work). He says it’s not our problem and just to give them two weeks notice and say I can’t do it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her that the kids’ schedules (feeding, naptime etc.) are growing apart and it’s not working anymore. Give her two or three weeks and say you can’t wait to see her over a weekend sometime for an adult catch up.

OP here. This is also true.

My son is a schedule. He sleeps 7pm-7am at night and takes 3 naps at 9-10, 12-2, and 4-4:30/5. Her baby will last 1:45-2 hours and often times I have to delay putting my son down for a nap because her baby needs to go to sleep. He will scream and cry until he falls asleep. I never get a break because he will take shorter naps and wake up when my son is still sleeping. It’s exhausting. My husband works from home and he has told me to tell her no. He can see how unhappy the situation is making me, and feels like our son is getting less attention ( which is part of the reason I decided to stay home instead of going back to work). He says it’s not our problem and just to give them two weeks notice and say I can’t do it anymore.

OP here. I watch her baby 3 days a week. The other two days ( without my husband) go much more smoothly. My baby gets more of my attention and I get a break.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like her parenting style isn’t working and she either doesn’t see it, or wants to blame everything else on his poor sleep habits. I sleep trained both my boys and it is not that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like her parenting style isn’t working and she either doesn’t see it, or wants to blame everything else on his poor sleep habits. I sleep trained both my boys and it is not that bad.

OP here. Night sleep took 4 days and naps took 1 week. He has been a great sleeper since we sleep trained.

[Anonymous]

Can you put him on a schedule when you watch him/sleep train him and just not tell her?

[Anonymous]

Give notice - she'd have 7 days to find a solution in my book. If your friend is too cheap to find an actual part-time nanny that's her problem.

[Anonymous]

That's not a friend, its a abuser. WTF? When she shows up on Monday tell her your notice was given the first time you said this wasn't working out and you'll keep the baby til Friday.

You are not a twin mom - so stop acting like you are required to keep someone else's child for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for parenting in a style that works for you but expecting someone to watch your baby and hold him for naps when they have their own baby too is crazy. I think you need to talk to her and explain what you told us. It’s not working for you to hold him and you think he might do better with one on one care if she wants to continue that style. Regarding the toys, what toys are we talking about and how old are the babies?

OP here. Both of our babies are almost 6 months old. She still expects for her baby to play with rattles and tiny toys. I started bringing out new sensory items, toys with music, a jumper, etc., and she said that is all too stimulating. She also claims a bath is “ too stimulating”. She talks about him having so much energy at night, and that he is over stimulated, but I thinks it’s a combination of being under stimulated, excited to see his parents, and him not being about to self-soothe. They will spend hours sometimes putting him to sleep.

I respect her choice to parent how she feels is best, but I have noticed her judging how we sleep trained mine. She was making comments about how terrible it is and how how she is going attachment parenting because she didn’t want her baby to feel “ abandoned”.

She is a neighbor turned friend. We bonded during the pandemic since we were cut off from so many people.

If she didnt want her baby abandoned she could have stayed hone with him or gotten a nanny to do exactly what she wants.

OP here. This is not nice or okay to say. She has to work to make a living. They did try to find nanny but many rejected her because of her PT hours.

Np. It was really inappropriate of her to say it to YOU in the first place regarding sleep training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for parenting in a style that works for you but expecting someone to watch your baby and hold him for naps when they have their own baby too is crazy. I think you need to talk to her and explain what you told us. It’s not working for you to hold him and you think he might do better with one on one care if she wants to continue that style. Regarding the toys, what toys are we talking about and how old are the babies?

OP here. Both of our babies are almost 6 months old. She still expects for her baby to play with rattles and tiny toys. I started bringing out new sensory items, toys with music, a jumper, etc., and she said that is all too stimulating. She also claims a bath is “ too stimulating”. She talks about him having so much energy at night, and that he is over stimulated, but I thinks it’s a combination of being under stimulated, excited to see his parents, and him not being about to self-soothe. They will spend hours sometimes putting him to sleep.

I respect her choice to parent how she feels is best, but I have noticed her judging how we sleep trained mine. She was making comments about how terrible it is and how how she is going attachment parenting because she didn’t want her baby to feel “ abandoned”.

She is a neighbor turned friend. We bonded during the pandemic since we were cut off from so many people.

If she didnt want her baby abandoned she could have stayed hone with him or gotten a nanny to do exactly what she wants.

OP here. This is not nice or okay to say. She has to work to make a living. They did try to find nanny but many rejected her because of her PT hours.

Np. It was really inappropriate of her to say it to YOU in the first place regarding sleep training.

This OP. She’s not your friend, she’s a user. And you’re being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you put him on a schedule when you watch him/sleep train him and just not tell her?

I would not do this. This is not okay to do.

[Anonymous]

OP—You need to separate out your feelings about her parenting style and simply focus on this as a business relationship. It’s not working for you and you need to end it. You don’t need to justify it by hashing out all the ways this mom doesn’t do things the way you would. It’s irrelevant.

“Sally, this arrangement isn’t working anymore, and I need to give 2 weeks notice. This is more challenging than I anticipated. Friday, May 21 will be the last day I can watch Larlo.”

Be clear with her. Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. The more you say, the more muddled you sound.

Accept that this will be uncomfortable. Accept that she might not be happy about it or that things may cool off between you. That’s okay. Do it today. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just give her notice. You don’t need to get into the parenting philosophy debate - just tell her it’s too hard for you to have two infants now that they’re getting older.

This. Give her a notice that you are comfortable with for example 2 weeks, if you want to be very flexible and kind add another 1 or 2 weeks to that. 4 weeks is plenty of notice. It’s ridiculous for her to ask you for another 2-3 months when you said it’s not working out. She is in a hard position and she thought it may work, but it’s not working for you. It’s not your fault either, having 2 infants is hard! There is no easy solution and probably this would put a dent in your friendship, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 weeks notice. She can find a nanny/ daycare now, instead of in 2-3 months.

Agreed. I can't imagine being in your situation but it sounds exhausting. She can find something else soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for parenting in a style that works for you but expecting someone to watch your baby and hold him for naps when they have their own baby too is crazy. I think you need to talk to her and explain what you told us. It’s not working for you to hold him and you think he might do better with one on one care if she wants to continue that style. Regarding the toys, what toys are we talking about and how old are the babies?

OP here. Both of our babies are almost 6 months old. She still expects for her baby to play with rattles and tiny toys. I started bringing out new sensory items, toys with music, a jumper, etc., and she said that is all too stimulating. She also claims a bath is “ too stimulating”. She talks about him having so much energy at night, and that he is over stimulated, but I thinks it’s a combination of being under stimulated, excited to see his parents, and him not being about to self-soothe. They will spend hours sometimes putting him to sleep.

I respect her choice to parent how she feels is best, but I have noticed her judging how we sleep trained mine. She was making comments about how terrible it is and how how she is going attachment parenting because she didn’t want her baby to feel “ abandoned”.

She is a neighbor turned friend. We bonded during the pandemic since we were cut off from so many people.

That is super rude. You are being nice and respectful of her choices and she's slamming yours? Don't worry about keeping this "friend" - she is clearly using you and doesn't consider your feelings at all, like a friend should. She's definitely not a real friend. In fact, I bet if you ever asked her to watch your kid for an hour on the weekend or whenever she doesn't work, she'd say no, every single time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her that the kids’ schedules (feeding, naptime etc.) are growing apart and it’s not working anymore. Give her two or three weeks and say you can’t wait to see her over a weekend sometime for an adult catch up.

OP here. This is also true.

My son is a schedule. He sleeps 7pm-7am at night and takes 3 naps at 9-10, 12-2, and 4-4:30/5. Her baby will last 1:45-2 hours and often times I have to delay putting my son down for a nap because her baby needs to go to sleep. He will scream and cry until he falls asleep. I never get a break because he will take shorter naps and wake up when my son is still sleeping. It’s exhausting. My husband works from home and he has told me to tell her no. He can see how unhappy the situation is making me, and feels like our son is getting less attention ( which is part of the reason I decided to stay home instead of going back to work). He says it’s not our problem and just to give them two weeks notice and say I can’t do it anymore.

Your husband is right. Your son sounds exactly like my daughters were, and it worked really well for us. Her schedule/plan/philosophy just doesn't work for you. So please listen to your husband - he can see how miserable you are and it sounds like he's miserable as well. It's just not worth it.