Is there a way to verify the identity of an online friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Crazy timing as I just found out DD (15) has an online friend. They talk to each other as they play Minecraft Bedwars.

I’m ticked because I thought it was a school friend, and she didn’t tell me otherwise. I saw Discord notifications on the family desktop today about playing tonight. I peaked as I didn’t recognize the name.

So after some digging this evening (as I hear them playing), this person seems to be a young adult woman. Her business Twitter account is 2 years old and she has far more followers than people she follows. She is also a Cisco Champion. DD is very interested in gaming/streaming.

Also, DD is lonely, wants more friends, had a lot of challenges, and the family therapist wants me to let her have input where possible.

I am trying to be fair about this. I just don’t see where a young adult with good boundaries wants to play Minecraft with a high school freshman.

Any suggestions for this horrible conversation I’ll need to have? Without making it sound like I don’t believe people would just want to be friends with her?

As a parent I get the concern. But gamers don’t actually care about the age of the person playing. It’s more about the skill level, competition, and where applicable finding and training with others for teams.

With regards to the conversation, I think you merely explain that you support DD’s interest in gaming/streaming and understand both the desire and need to connect with others who share the same interest and play similar games. However, given potential problems in cyber society you would prefer she keep the online friends to persons in her age range. And additionally reiterate cyber safety practices.

I understand the need for a conversation about not revealing any identifying info, not meeting in person, etc (stranger danger) but why would you want these two to stop playing ? Online the age does not matter.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not very tech savvy. What are some platforms where they could do a video chat without having to exchange personal or identifying location information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Crazy timing as I just found out DD (15) has an online friend. They talk to each other as they play Minecraft Bedwars.

I’m ticked because I thought it was a school friend, and she didn’t tell me otherwise. I saw Discord notifications on the family desktop today about playing tonight. I peaked as I didn’t recognize the name.

So after some digging this evening (as I hear them playing), this person seems to be a young adult woman. Her business Twitter account is 2 years old and she has far more followers than people she follows. She is also a Cisco Champion. DD is very interested in gaming/streaming.

Also, DD is lonely, wants more friends, had a lot of challenges, and the family therapist wants me to let her have input where possible.

I am trying to be fair about this. I just don’t see where a young adult with good boundaries wants to play Minecraft with a high school freshman.

Any suggestions for this horrible conversation I’ll need to have? Without making it sound like I don’t believe people would just want to be friends with her?

This is very tricky and maybe you could ask her therapist for suggestions on how to handle this? I agree it’s very odd for a grown woman to want to hang out with a 14/15 yr old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Crazy timing as I just found out DD (15) has an online friend. They talk to each other as they play Minecraft Bedwars.

I’m ticked because I thought it was a school friend, and she didn’t tell me otherwise. I saw Discord notifications on the family desktop today about playing tonight. I peaked as I didn’t recognize the name.

So after some digging this evening (as I hear them playing), this person seems to be a young adult woman. Her business Twitter account is 2 years old and she has far more followers than people she follows. She is also a Cisco Champion. DD is very interested in gaming/streaming.

Also, DD is lonely, wants more friends, had a lot of challenges, and the family therapist wants me to let her have input where possible.

I am trying to be fair about this. I just don’t see where a young adult with good boundaries wants to play Minecraft with a high school freshman.

Any suggestions for this horrible conversation I’ll need to have? Without making it sound like I don’t believe people would just want to be friends with her?

This is very tricky and maybe you could ask her therapist for suggestions on how to handle this? I agree it’s very odd for a grown woman to want to hang out with a 14/15 yr old

1. She may have no idea that the kid is only 14 or 15 years old.

2. How much is she hanging out vs. playing a game?

Middle-aged me hung out with both teenagers and retirees at the fire station we volunteered at, so I'm not immediately down cross-generational friendships. But it is worth keeping an eye on -- the internet is a sordid place, and anything a teenager does there should be monitored, no matter the age of the person to whom the teenager is talking.

[Anonymous]

Just monitor the chats if you can.

[Anonymous]

My DD makes friends with other kids gaming and on discord. She is part of group chats based on personal interests. She says they never exchange personal info and that would be totally weird. After months of talking to a friend, she would know they lived in Miami or Amsterdam but that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD makes friends with other kids gaming and on discord. She is part of group chats based on personal interests. She says they never exchange personal info and that would be totally weird. After months of talking to a friend, she would know they lived in Miami or Amsterdam but that’s it.

OP here. Discord is where our DD is hanging out. When I ask her if they exchange personal information she says that they don't. But then in casual conversation when I ask more direct questions, she realizes that she has let several personal things slip without thinking of it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not very tech savvy. What are some platforms where they could do a video chat without having to exchange personal or identifying location information?

Discord or Zoom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Crazy timing as I just found out DD (15) has an online friend. They talk to each other as they play Minecraft Bedwars.

I’m ticked because I thought it was a school friend, and she didn’t tell me otherwise. I saw Discord notifications on the family desktop today about playing tonight. I peaked as I didn’t recognize the name.

So after some digging this evening (as I hear them playing), this person seems to be a young adult woman. Her business Twitter account is 2 years old and she has far more followers than people she follows. She is also a Cisco Champion. DD is very interested in gaming/streaming.

Also, DD is lonely, wants more friends, had a lot of challenges, and the family therapist wants me to let her have input where possible.

I am trying to be fair about this. I just don’t see where a young adult with good boundaries wants to play Minecraft with a high school freshman.

Any suggestions for this horrible conversation I’ll need to have? Without making it sound like I don’t believe people would just want to be friends with her?

This is very tricky and maybe you could ask her therapist for suggestions on how to handle this? I agree it’s very odd for a grown woman to want to hang out with a 14/15 yr old

Predators can be any gender - there are plenty of adult lesbians and gay predators too. Not saying that they are predators because of their identity, obviously, but it doesn't make fine that it's an adult woman chatting with a young girl. It's still worrisome.

[Anonymous]

My daughter has had online gaming friends since she was 9, she is now 14. Not once has anyone turned out to be a person of another age.

However, she did meet someone who was 19 and HE was catfished by a woman who said she was his age and took it all the way to meeting him in person and she turned out to be in her 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Crazy timing as I just found out DD (15) has an online friend. They talk to each other as they play Minecraft Bedwars.

I’m ticked because I thought it was a school friend, and she didn’t tell me otherwise. I saw Discord notifications on the family desktop today about playing tonight. I peaked as I didn’t recognize the name.

So after some digging this evening (as I hear them playing), this person seems to be a young adult woman. Her business Twitter account is 2 years old and she has far more followers than people she follows. She is also a Cisco Champion. DD is very interested in gaming/streaming.

Also, DD is lonely, wants more friends, had a lot of challenges, and the family therapist wants me to let her have input where possible.

I am trying to be fair about this. I just don’t see where a young adult with good boundaries wants to play Minecraft with a high school freshman.

Any suggestions for this horrible conversation I’ll need to have? Without making it sound like I don’t believe people would just want to be friends with her?

This is very tricky and maybe you could ask her therapist for suggestions on how to handle this? I agree it’s very odd for a grown woman to want to hang out with a 14/15 yr old

But…they aren’t hanging out, right? They are just playing a game online together. Are the messages in any way inappropriate? Can you hear their conversations as they play MineCraft? Is this woman asking her for personal info? Have you had that conversation with her?

[Anonymous]

There was girl in Baltimore that was kidnapped a couple years ago by “a friend” she met on Xbox live. She dropped little pieces of information over a month or two that the fiend and his team used to identify and find her. They rescued her at the exchange house where she was being moved in a cage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DD has started a friendship with a person she met online while gaming. We have always been VERY cautious about things like this but relaxed a bit during COVID because her other interactions were so limited. Is there any way to verify that this person is who he says he is (another teenager) rather than an old man? Are there safe, legal ways to test this? How would you approach it? (And please don't just say you wouldn't allow. While we would rather this hadn't happened, we are not naive enough to think that our outlawing this would automatically be the end of it. We'd like to find a way to get more comfortable with it, or confirm that this is a problem if he's not who he says he is.)

OP, I’m on the other side of this (mom of a son with online friend). I recommend the Zoom - you can sign up for a free dummy account. Discord is also an option for video or audio call. You can be in the room but out of sight just to hear and confirm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Crazy timing as I just found out DD (15) has an online friend. They talk to each other as they play Minecraft Bedwars.

I’m ticked because I thought it was a school friend, and she didn’t tell me otherwise. I saw Discord notifications on the family desktop today about playing tonight. I peaked as I didn’t recognize the name.

So after some digging this evening (as I hear them playing), this person seems to be a young adult woman. Her business Twitter account is 2 years old and she has far more followers than people she follows. She is also a Cisco Champion. DD is very interested in gaming/streaming.

Also, DD is lonely, wants more friends, had a lot of challenges, and the family therapist wants me to let her have input where possible.

I am trying to be fair about this. I just don’t see where a young adult with good boundaries wants to play Minecraft with a high school freshman.

Any suggestions for this horrible conversation I’ll need to have? Without making it sound like I don’t believe people would just want to be friends with her?

There's not that much difference between a 15yo playing a game and a 22yo playing the same game. As long as they're just talking about the game and other innocuous subjects, it's fine.

When I was in high school, I had more than 30 friends that were just as into renaissance reenactment as I was. Most of them were 20s and 30s. I knew the rules about going anywhere with them, going to their cars, calling my mom, etc.

When you have an interest that diverges from the rest of the crowd, it can be both isolating and freeing. They need to be able to find their own friends, and when it's a niche interest (like gaming for teen and young adult women), age goes out the window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing inherently wrong with being friends with people of different ages. The most important thing to do is educate YOUR OWN children about being safe, not giving personal info (including their school's mascot or saying their school won the county championship, or that Mom is CFO of the most prominent real estate firm in town - things that can be looked up).

My son became friends with a 55 yr old woman online. Both her sons were grown and out of the house, she worked from home, and my son thought she was funny and smart. He's 11. He's not running away to her or anything.

In what context?

He posted on an online "help with homework" forum for writing an essay he needed to do. She's an editor .

To state the obvious....this works because the genders aren’t reversed.

No, it works because she was looking to help, not make friends or find a date. The friendship evolved because there was no pressure for it to do so.

I have zero issues with flipping those genders, if the same thing happened. Issues start cropping up only when the first goal is a rushed friendship, and it's obvious to everyone except the (pre)teen that the adult wants to move quickly into much more than friendship.

Friendship isn't rushed, and there's no pressure. If preteens and teens are taught that, then they can learn to recognize when someone is trying to pressure them into more.