Five year old asking existential questions...

[Anonymous]

friends 3 year old asked her mom about death.

daughter "WHen will l die?"
mom: "A very, very very long time from now. and then you will be in heaven"
daughter" "when will you die?"
mom: "A long time from now, no need to worry."
long pause...
daughter "when I die I want to be holding your hand so we can die together and be in heaven together forever"

mom pretty much broke down at that point.

[Anonymous]

my son was asking these questions last year when he was four. someone on this listserve said she told her child that no one really knows where you are before you are born and that it's kind of the same after you die. we have some ideas but no one really knows. i told this to my son and i think he found this comforting...something about equating it with before you are born helped. helps me to think about it that way too. my son still says this sometimes...that we don't really know what happens after you die. that doesn't seem so upsetting to him.

[Anonymous]

You were always part of me, but you were just an egg, until the mommy part and the daddy part got together and you started growing as a baby. Both parts have to come together before a baby starts growing. Somehow, being an egg is hilariously funny to my two girls. And the fact that they, themselves, already have the eggs that will grow up to be their children if they choose to have them.

We've done death, too, including many of the responses given above. The death of an elderly pet put this topic into sharp focus about 10 months ago. Even so, my oldest still had many questions until the night I broke down crying, too. Then she got that this wasn't something I could explain away and seem all knowing and above it. It helped that Mommy was sad, too, and that made it okay to be sad.

[Anonymous]

Hey 16:07--I think that was my post you were referring to! I remember posting advice because my son went through a serious "death" phase around four and that is what worked for us. Makes me so happy that this helped you out.

Now my answer the "where do babies come from" issue. I did the whole "from a seed in Mommy's tummy" thing and kind of skirted the question for a long time, but it just kept coming up and he kept pressing for details. So finally I just told him the truth in very basic but straightforward terms. Penis goes in vagina, seed shoots out and combines with egg. And the funny thing is, once he knew, he was totally satisfied (and unimpressed) and has never really raised it since. You have to remember that they have no frame of reference for this stuff so to them it is just like learning about the weather or math or whatever. I figure it is better to kind of give it to them straight before they are old enough to be giggly or embarrassed!

[Anonymous]

I'm getting the same questions, latetly it is "how do you get to heaven when your die". Interested to hear what others would say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...and I'm failing miserably at giving him satisfactory (to him, anyway) answers. I was kidding when I said existential but tonight he asked me what it feels like BEFORE you're alive, BEFORE you're in mommy's belly. My little guy is looking into the void, LOL. He's also asking a lot of questions about death. The boys he plays with at school are constantly pretending to "kill" each other as bad guys and good guys and my son is grappling with all of this stuff. AND he's asking about how his daddy and I made him...I told him that he grew from a seed in my belly but he keeps asking how the seed got there. He wants to know EXACTLY how God put it there, in the literal sense. Aargh. Anyone else going through this with their kids?

It sounds like he is ready to hear the literal explanation of how the seed got there. I would tell him, in age-appropriate language.

[Anonymous]

In the middle of a shopping trip to Costco, DS 4.5 turned to me and said, "mommy you don't have to worry about dying for a long time because you're not old". As a mom of "advanced maternal age", hearing that from my son gave me such comfort, as I imagine that thought gives him comfort as well.

He talks about death, good guys/bad guys, killing, etc. frequently. He also worries about large animals eating him or getting to him when we are outside of the house. We try to give real but age appropriate answers to his questions. With so many pregnant women around, the birth/where did I come from question is relatively easy and how literal you get depends on you and what your child wants or needs to hear. The death question is much harder because unless you have strong beliefs (religious or otherwise) I think many struggle with the answer ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm getting the same questions, latetly it is "how do you get to heaven when your die". Interested to hear what others would say

Well, either you as the parent can say how you think this happens, or say that you don't know how it happens and ask, "how do YOU think it happens?"

[Anonymous]

OP here...I love hearing how others have handled these tricky questions, thanks so much!! A lot of good stuff that I can use.