Transitioning to gray - this is so hard

[Anonymous]

The first time in my life I was thankful for being homely was entering middle age. Having never been attractive or receiving attention for my looks made getting older a non-event. It astounds me the amount of effort some women go through to pretend to be young. Dyed hair looks like dyed hair. You aren't fooling anyone. Being 48 isn't any sexier than being 54, both are over the hill to people you're trying to impress. Embrace simply existing and not being anyone's eye candy. Life is much easier that way.

[Anonymous]

I realized recently that I will probably not let myself go gray until my mom dies. I know that sounds like a weird choice. It has to do with the fact that my mom is sort of pressuring me to "get old". It started when I had kids and intensified when I turned 40. She wants me to look and feel old, like she does. She comments on any gray hair she sees, any wrinkle, and sign that I'm slowing down at all, and she makes it about her. It's frustrating to still be dealing with this at my age. She has always been like this about everything.

So even though I kind of like the idea of just letting my gray hair come in, I know she'd make a big deal out of it and it would be like "Aha, now you and I are finally melding into the same person, as I always hoped."

So refusing to go gray is sort of about looking younger for me, but mainly because being younger is a way for me to be distinct for her, and I need that distinction. When she passes, I think I will be freed in many ways to make different choices.

[Anonymous]

OP ,so good to hear you are going gray! Me too!

I didn't start coloring until my late forties, but my hair is black and grows super vast--about 3/4 inch a month. So once I sarted all over color, as opposed to just a few highlights/lowlights, I had to touch up myself or at the salon every 4 weeks. I had been asking my stylist what it took to grow it out and she said "you will need a whole year"--and lo and behold, we got it!

I'm only 15% or so gray so on a video call you can't see it but in person, esp if my hair is back, it's very obvious. I have had one or two small work meetings recently in person and colleagues have been visibly shocked at the change. It sucks, because I work in a business where youth is prioritized and almost everyone I work with covers their gray-men and women. The two women I know who don't are both exceptionally pretty and both went gray early (in their 30s), and they carry it very well. It is hard to accept the growing invisibility of being an older woman, but, honestly, it pales to the fading away I've felt b/c of COVID! We'll see how I feel when we go back, I hope I don't chicken out!

[Anonymous]

I started going gray in my 30s (got my first gray hair my first year in college), and fairly grey now at 42. I stopped dyeing my hair when I was 38 and it took a couple of years to grow out. Very happy now I did it then, as I am even more gray now and it would look terrible while growing out.

I am fit, dress my age, have a great haircut, and feel good about my gray hair. So happy I grew it out, never going back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm "only" 42 but have about 25% gray and was just going through a bit of a mental exercise. I am pretty sure I will continue coloring forever because I like the way it looks, but I may do more of an ashy fine highlights look that blends the greys in well.

The key though is that I've completely decided to do whatever I feel like doing and discard any pressure/guilt/other emotion society thinks I should or shouldn't have (and that includes the pressure to be "liberated" from hair color as much as it includes the pressure to look "presentable.") This gets easier to do as I age.

As for feeling invisible, yes, it can be frustrating in certain situations, but MAN I am really enjoying walking down the street these days without hearing cat calls or pretending not to be bothered by stares or other comments. Haven't been to a bar or a crowded bus or metro train lately but the reduction of random groping will be welcome when I do.

Short version: trying to look on the bright side, which does exist!

What strange comments. You act like attractive women are harassed more. It's not a freakin compliment, sister. You should unpack some of this crap right here.

I don't understand this reaction. I thought PP was saying that in some ways it was better to be an older woman who is ignored when she walks down these street as opposed to having to endure unwanted attention. Where did she say she felt complimented by cat calls?

Thank you, that was indeed my point. I also wasn't comparing or making judgements about attractiveness. I do know for a fact that I don't get as much (very unwanted) attention in my 40s as I did in my teens, 20s and 30s and I don't miss it. Just trying to point out one possible silver lining related to aging and going gray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first time in my life I was thankful for being homely was entering middle age. Having never been attractive or receiving attention for my looks made getting older a non-event. .

Same here. I will also say as someone who was invisible in my 20’s and 30’s- I get noticed quite a bit more in my 50’s. People are mostly deferential and respectful. It is a pleasant change.

[Anonymous]

It's been much easier for me, OP, because I only colored my hair to counteract ageism in the job market and I'd been hanging on until I retire at the end of the year and could let myself go completely gray. My hairdresser had said that she would strip the color out and dye my hair blonde so it would be less noticeable as it transitioned to gray when the time came. But, then, the pandemic happened and I realized that I could just let my hair go gray without any special work. No one is surprised to see half-gray, half-brown hair. I love not getting my hair colored!

I know this doesn't answer your question because the thing you're worrying about doesn't bother me. I just hope you find the answer that works for you. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's crazy that you'd be willing to go back to a constantly itchy/burning scalp.

I’ve been coloring my gray hair since my 20s and never had an itchy or burning scalp. I’d change hair color and/or stylists pronto. I thought about going gray recently but realized that I still like seeing myself with brown hair. The color my stylist uses also conditions my hair beautifully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here; I’m actually very at peace with being 50; I don’t need to look young. I guess it really is about my identity - I pass the mirror and don’t feel like myself. I think it would impact me a lot less if I weren’t at a crossroads in my career. I’m not quite sure what I want to do when I grow up, ha.

Thank you for the feedback and support, I appreciate it.

I remember this feeling so vividly -- wondering who that person is in the mirror with all that gray hair. It was pretty acute, too, since I lost my hair to chemotherapy and chose not to color it again as it grew back in. But now, with time, that shock is gone and I appreciate that my hair color and skin tone match, and that my hair is healthy and shiny. It took a while, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started going gray in my 30s (got my first gray hair my first year in college), and fairly grey now at 42. I stopped dyeing my hair when I was 38 and it took a couple of years to grow out. Very happy now I did it then, as I am even more gray now and it would look terrible while growing out.

I am fit, dress my age, have a great haircut, and feel good about my gray hair. So happy I grew it out, never going back.

Same here. Taking good care of yourself always looks the best!

[Anonymous]

I think the transition is the most difficult part. When I looked at the back of my head in the mirror the gray circle reminded me of a large bald spot. The infamous "skunk stripe" bothered me as well. Being almost 90% gray is actually easier for me to deal with. Do whatever you need to do to get through the transition to gray, OP. Know that the light at the end of it all is that you'll most likely enjoy the way your hair looks again AND be free of the time and expense of coloring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here; I’m actually very at peace with being 50; I don’t need to look young. I guess it really is about my identity - I pass the mirror and don’t feel like myself. I think it would impact me a lot less if I weren’t at a crossroads in my career. I’m not quite sure what I want to do when I grow up, ha.

Thank you for the feedback and support, I appreciate it.

I thought I was the only one!!! I'm 54 and still finding myself.

[Anonymous]

Here's a thing I noticed. People DO react to me differently. And they reacted differently when I cut my hair into something that leaned more butch, too. I'm the same person. It's been interesting to be read differently depending on how I present.

[Anonymous]

I am fifty-two and have full-on gray hair.
My hair is pretty dark so I ideally need to touch up my roots every two weeks to look decent.

I tried not coloring it this past yr, but always felt so unattractive that I ended up coloring it though much less.
When my gray shows, I feel just old + unattractive.
I truly admire those that embrace their grays because I am not even halfway there.

It is an absolute pain to color my hair every few weeks and I hate the disruption of it.
But I feel embarrassed when my grays are showing and still want to feel youthful + attractive for a few more yrs.

I may sound shallow but I am just being honest.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like maybe you still want to NOT have gray hair. That is totally OK! What about just coloring it at home? I've never used a home color that burned my scalp.

I'm 50 next month and going to the salon for the first time in forever (haha) tomorrow to get my hair cut and colored, and my eyebrows too-they have gone so gray! My hair is mostly not gray but there is enough at the front that I color it to hide it. It's the ONE thing I do-I'm happy with my aging process otherwise.

But I only do that once or twice a year-my teenager ususally does it for me with box color and it never burns and I have sensitive skin.