Transitioning to gray - this is so hard

Anonymous
I’m 50 and have been dying my hair for 25 years. Over the pandemic, as an experiment, I’ve been letting the (almost 100%) gray grow in. I’ve been enjoying the break from an itchy, burning scalp and the constant coloring of roots - all that time and money involved. And the gray is really pretty - the few people I’ve allowed to see it have loved it and my DH has been very supportive and complimentary.

That being said, I’m pretty “youthful” and people have always been surprised by my age, thinking I’m younger than I am. I’m coming to grips with the fact that that with my gray hair, that will no longer be the case, ever again; I might be mistaken for a youthful grandmother instead. I’ve never, ever felt “invisible” as I age - but maybe that will change?

Some days I feel pretty good and take off my hat and wear my grays with confidence, and then I might wake up the next day totally embarrassed and hating it. Does this mean I’m just not ready? It takes SO long to grow out and if I color it now, I’m probably committing to at least another 10 years of it. I’m ashamed of all the navel-gazing I’m engaging in, but I’m just finding this so freaking hard as someone who has always taken pride in my appearance. It would be great to hear from others who have been through it, though I don’t think there are many of us on dcum.
Anonymous
I'm "only" 42 but have about 25% gray and was just going through a bit of a mental exercise. I am pretty sure I will continue coloring forever because I like the way it looks, but I may do more of an ashy fine highlights look that blends the greys in well.

The key though is that I've completely decided to do whatever I feel like doing and discard any pressure/guilt/other emotion society thinks I should or shouldn't have (and that includes the pressure to be "liberated" from hair color as much as it includes the pressure to look "presentable.") This gets easier to do as I age.

As for feeling invisible, yes, it can be frustrating in certain situations, but MAN I am really enjoying walking down the street these days without hearing cat calls or pretending not to be bothered by stares or other comments. Haven't been to a bar or a crowded bus or metro train lately but the reduction of random groping will be welcome when I do.

Short version: trying to look on the bright side, which does exist!
Anonymous
On the days you feel like taking your hat off, do that, on the days you feel like keeping it on, do that. There are temporary root-touch up colors (powder brushes or in mascara-type wands) you can keep around for the days when you'd rather have color.
Anonymous
I'm about to turn 50 and have grays at my temples and sporadically on my crown. I haven't had my hair colored in a year+. Once I'm vaccinated, I'm getting that sh1t colored. I am not ready to give up just yet and it sounds like you aren't, either.
Anonymous

It's perfectly understandable to agonize over this, OP. It's a change in your identity. Whatever you decide to do is RIGHT.
Anonymous
I had my last hair color done in October 2017 when I was in my late 40s. I was tired of the expense, and it was a losing battle: grays seemed to pop up within days of coloring. I also felt as though my hair didn't match my face, and I was worried about 20+ years of chemicals. I have long hair so the full transition took years. When you are covering up the grays, they seem to appear instantly. Parts of the transition were fun and freeing. Other parts were not, such as when the CEO decided it was time for everyone to get new head shots done.

I do not miss the expense or sitting in the stylist's chair for two hours every month. I do miss the color and highlights, and my natural hair did not magically become soft and manageable and frizz free like some other women report. I look my age (early 50s) and sometimes feel old and invisible, which is hard.

There are lots of blog posts and YouTube videos of women who have done this, and it was helpful to read and watch them during the first year or so. There are some private Facebook groups with thousands of members. It helps to see pictures of women with gray hair because it normalizes it. Many people look great with their natural color; it suits their skin tone and eye color. I looked better and younger with dyed hair, but I'm not planning to go back to it.

Anonymous
I'm 48 and quite gray. I have been gray throughout my forties, so it isn't new for me. What is new is that my face now matches my hair. For many years I had a young face and gray hair, and the combo was striking and interesting. In the last year my eyelids started to droop, I have lines around my mouth, I have under the chin wattle. Even my teeth have gotten in on things - they have started to move, and the orthodontia from my teen years has gone to pot. So, at 48, with my gray hair, I look probably mid fifties.

I am not someone who cares deeply about the sort of beauty you get from being made up or wearing certain clothes, so I thought looking older wasn't going to bother me so much. But it does bother me, and I dislike being mis-aged, if that makes sense. I wouldn't mind looking 48 now, and I don't think I'll mind looking 60 when I am 60. But it makes me nuts that in order to simply look my age I have to color my hair when having gray hair is age appropriate for 48 year olds.

All this to say that this is hard for lots of us, even those of us who believe we are not that into beauty. Instead of giving in to coloring my hair, which I hated doing, I am working at doing things that make me feel good. Being strong makes me feel younger, so I stay active. I find that when I can DO THINGS with my body I appreciate it much more, and am much less critical of its flaws. So I'm going with that. Be kind to yourself, OP, whatever you choose to do.
Anonymous
Talk to your hairstylist about helping you through your transition - she may be able to put in some balayage to look more like it's fading in over time.
Anonymous
There is nothing wrong with being 50.

I have seen lots of young people with prematurely gray hair, and they still look young. So I think you are making MUCH more of this than is real.

Continue to take good care of yourself, and dress in such a way as to feel confident. Accept the age you are. Work on that instead of debating if you want to go back to the burning scalp, expense and hassle of applying chemicals to how you really look. I am an older woman and cannot relate to your story at all.

This is not a criticism, but I believe you can get past this. You just have to adjust some of your views and what you think is important. It is not the color of your hair, trust me.
Anonymous
This is about thinking young is better than old. You can change your thinking or your hair, and you'll find people to support either choice.

(I guess you could choose self-loathing, but please don't)
Anonymous
I am 52 and just starting to be grey. This is about when I should probably color but with Covid I had an excuse to put off that decision. I am a very low maintenance person who does very little to my easy curls. But I have always loved my very dark hair too.
Anonymous
I think it's crazy that you'd be willing to go back to a constantly itchy/burning scalp.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I'm "only" 42 but have about 25% gray and was just going through a bit of a mental exercise. I am pretty sure I will continue coloring forever because I like the way it looks, but I may do more of an ashy fine highlights look that blends the greys in well.

The key though is that I've completely decided to do whatever I feel like doing and discard any pressure/guilt/other emotion society thinks I should or shouldn't have (and that includes the pressure to be "liberated" from hair color as much as it includes the pressure to look "presentable.") This gets easier to do as I age.

As for feeling invisible, yes, it can be frustrating in certain situations, but MAN I am really enjoying walking down the street these days without hearing cat calls or pretending not to be bothered by stares or other comments. Haven't been to a bar or a crowded bus or metro train lately but the reduction of random groping will be welcome when I do.

Short version: trying to look on the bright side, which does exist!

What strange comments. You act like attractive women are harassed more. It's not a freakin compliment, sister. You should unpack some of this crap right here.
Anonymous
OP here; I’m actually very at peace with being 50; I don’t need to look young. I guess it really is about my identity - I pass the mirror and don’t feel like myself. I think it would impact me a lot less if I weren’t at a crossroads in my career. I’m not quite sure what I want to do when I grow up, ha.

Thank you for the feedback and support, I appreciate it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm "only" 42 but have about 25% gray and was just going through a bit of a mental exercise. I am pretty sure I will continue coloring forever because I like the way it looks, but I may do more of an ashy fine highlights look that blends the greys in well.

The key though is that I've completely decided to do whatever I feel like doing and discard any pressure/guilt/other emotion society thinks I should or shouldn't have (and that includes the pressure to be "liberated" from hair color as much as it includes the pressure to look "presentable.") This gets easier to do as I age.

As for feeling invisible, yes, it can be frustrating in certain situations, but MAN I am really enjoying walking down the street these days without hearing cat calls or pretending not to be bothered by stares or other comments. Haven't been to a bar or a crowded bus or metro train lately but the reduction of random groping will be welcome when I do.

Short version: trying to look on the bright side, which does exist!

What strange comments. You act like attractive women are harassed more. It's not a freakin compliment, sister. You should unpack some of this crap right here.


I don't understand this reaction. I thought PP was saying that in some ways it was better to be an older woman who is ignored when she walks down these street as opposed to having to endure unwanted attention. Where did she say she felt complimented by cat calls?
post reply Forum Index » Midlife Concerns and Eldercare
Message Quick Reply
Go to: